


It's Not a Big Deal

by hangonsilvergirl



Series: The Best Jokes Are Bad Ones [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Jokes, Bad Puns, Cosplay, Crossword Puzzles, Dick Jokes, Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Facebook, Food Fight, High School, I Blame Tumblr, Limericks, Memes, Military School, Multi, Phrasing, Pop Culture, Pop music, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pseudo-Science, Swearing, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenage Dorks, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, Texting, Underage Drinking, Vines, internet culture, punk phases, text, text fic, texting fic, vulgarity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-19 10:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 71,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2385116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hangonsilvergirl/pseuds/hangonsilvergirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>(6:50) I thought you wouldn’t want to be left hanging re: my dick epic</i>
  <br/>
  <i>(6:51) Pun again unintended</i>
  <br/>
  <i>(6:52) And wow that makes it sound like I want to tell you the magnum opus of my own dick</i>
</p><p> ***</p><p>An AU in a modern setting where Edward and Winry don't know one another until he texts the wrong number. </p><p>Inappropriately, naturally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dicks

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Text Talk](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1651109) by [merlywhirls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlywhirls/pseuds/merlywhirls). 
  * Inspired by [Meetcute](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2062710) by [shuofthewind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuofthewind/pseuds/shuofthewind). 



> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse

Thursday Morning, October 9th

(11:15) I am going to MURDER that cocky little DICKFACE

(11:18) _Wrong number. I hope._

(11:19) _Though, out of curiosity, does whoever it is you’re going to murder /literally/ have a dick on or for his face, and/or was that expert pun intentional?_

(11:21) Ha sorry, my brother got a new number

(11:22) He doesn’t, and it wasn’t, but it’s fitting

(11:22) And it might as well be Game of Puns because he filled my bunk with dildos

(11:24) _Not sure that a bed full of dildos will give you a pass for justifiable homicide._

(11:25) _What did you do to incur that sort of… creative retribution?_

(11:27) Uh well

(11:28) I might have written his number on a stall in the boy’s washroom with the caption ‘mind-blowing blowjobs, student rates’.

(11:29) I think he got a good response

(11:30) As far as wrong number texts go, I feel like I’m making an impression

(11:32) _A fairly phallic one, yes._

(11:33) _Game of Puns, A Song of Dongs & Fellatio._

(11:35) HA

(11:36) I have to go to class, Wrong Number, but thanks for the laugh

(11:37) _Anytime._

***

Thursday Evening, October 9th

(6:50) I thought you wouldn’t want to be left hanging re: my dick epic

(6:51) Pun again unintended

(6:52) And wow that makes it sound like I want to tell you the magnum opus of my own dick

(6:53) Which, uh, I don’t

(6:55) _I get the feeling you don’t think much before you speak. Or, in this case, type._

(6:56) Not as much as I apparently should

(6:58) _Did you murder him with the dildos?_

(7:00) Thought that would be too obvious, so no

(7:01) But my brother and I did pelt them at him from the dais while he was on parade march

(7:03) _Because that’s not obvious at all._

(7:04) _Are you in the military? Seems rather unprofessional to whip dicks at one another, regardless of the need for revenge._

(7:06) Nah, I’m in military school

(7:08) _Huh. It’s obviously not as intense as I’ve been led to believe._

(7:09) _Are you at Royal Amestris?_

(7:10) Yup. Take it you’re not?

(7:11) _No, bit too pretentious for my tastes. No offence._

(7:12) None taken. It IS pretentious

(7:13) I’m only here because it’s ‘family tradition’

(7:14) And because Captain Assface pays for it

(7:16) _Dare I ask…?_

(7:18) My dad

(7:19) _Ah._

(7:14) _I go to public school._

(7:16) And how’s that?

(7:17) _Full of as many dicks, and in similar capacities._

(7:19) High school probably wouldn’t be high school without dicks

(7:20) Whatever the capacity

(7:22) _True enough._

(7:23) _Thank you for the update, but I have to go. Good luck in the likely continuation of your Dick Epic._

(7:25) Thanks, man

***

Friday Morning, October 10th

(10:15) _I may regret this should you actually turn out to be a stalker, serial killer, or pervert, but I’m not a dude._

(10:16) _Are you a dude? Amestris Royal is co-ed, right?_

(10:18) It is and I am

(10:19) And not that you have any reason to believe me, but I’m not a stalker or a serial killer

(10:20) Maybe a bit of a pervert, but I figure that all the dicks kinda give that away

(10:22) _I think everybody ever is a least a little bit of a pervert._

(10:23) _Even my Granny likes to make dick jokes._

(10:25) She sounds awesome

(10:27) _She is._

(10:28) _Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?_

(10:29) Idk, why?

(10:31) _Because his pecker is on his head._

(10:32) HAHA omg

(10:33) Okay, okay

(10:34) What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster?

(10:36) _I don’t know, what?_

(10:37) A cock that stays up all night long

(10:38) _Oh, Jesus._

(10:39) _What do you call a woman who likes small dicks?_

(10:40) Idk, idk

(10:41) _Hopefully your girlfriend._

(10:42) LOL

(10:43) Christ on a cracker

(10:43) I’m going to use that one on Ling

(10:44) (that’s the dude we pelted the dildos at)

(10:45) What do you call a well-endowed puppet?

(10:47) _No idea._

(10:48) Well strung

(10:49) _Lucky my chemistry teacher is about observant as a brick wall, I just snorted SO loud. That is TERRIBLE!_

(10:50) The best jokes are bad ones

(10:51) Do you actually snort?

(10:52) _Ugh. Yeah. Granny says It's ‘endearing’. It’s actually pretty embarrassing._

(10:53) That’s adorable

(10:55) K, I got another one

(10:56) What do you call an erection you get when listening to hymns?

(10:58) _Wildly inappropriate?_

(10:59) An organ boner

(11:01) _Jeez._

(11:03) _I’m trying to remember more. She’s probably told me a million._

(11:04) Speaking of wildly inappropriate

(11:05) _That’s a perfect way to describe Granny, actually. Hmm. You wouldn’t think terrible penis jokes would be this hard to call to mind._

(11:06) *ba dum bum*

(11:07) _Heh._

(11:09) _Why do men have a hole in their penis?_

(11:10) Do tell

(11:11) _So their brains can get some oxygen now and then._

(11:12) OUCH

(11:13) What did the right nut say to the left nut

(11:14) ?

(11:16) _Couldn’t say._

(11:18) Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick

(11:20) _Hurr, hurr._

(11:22) _Last one, I have to go to lunch._

(11:23) K

(11:24) _What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?_

(11:25) I’m almost afraid to ask

(11:27) _Beef strokin’ off._

(11:28) OH MY LANTA

(11:29) _*bows* Thank you, thank you. I’m here all week, don’t forget to tip the waitress._

(11:30) Christ I laughed so hard I think I’m going to vomit

(11:31) That’s just indecent

(11:32) _Just doing my part to carry on the family legacy._

(11:33) You’re a credit to your name, whatever it is

(11:34) Enjoy your lunch, Queen of Dick Jokes

***

Friday Afternoon, October 10th

(1:04) who were you texting in chemistry

(1:05) looked like a pretty hilarious conversation THAT YOU DIDN’T SHARE

(1:06) chem is boring as shit, i could’ve used a laugh

(1:07) _The guy who wrong-number-texted me about his dildo war._

(1:08) _We were telling penis jokes._

(1:09) ...

(1:10) that leaves me with more questions than answers, winry

(1:11) whhhhhhhhhhhy

(1:13) _I don’t know. He texted me again to update me re: dicks, and. I don’t know._

(1:15) you said yourself he seems like an ass

(1:16) _He IS an ass._

(1:17) _But he’s pretty funny._

(1:18) this is weird

(1:19) what if he’s a cunning cyber predator

(1:20) _I don’t get that impression._

(1:21) well no, you WOULDN’T if he’s CUNNING

(1:22) i don’t want to see you become a heartbreaking wikipedia article

(1:23) _I think you’re making a mountain out of dick jokes._

(1:24) well you’re blushing, so

(1:25) _Irrelevant._

(1:26) oh now THAT is bullshit

(1:28) _He may have said he thought the idea of my snorting was cute._

(1:29) i’ll get started on your eulogy

(1:31) _Texting isn’t meeting him in the deep, dark woods or anything._

(1:32) _You’re being dramatic._

(1:34) i’ve told you before, i embrace the hyper-dramatic bc you are not dramatic enough

(1:35) you keep doin your dick joke thing, i’ll just glower with uncomfortableness over here

(1:36) be your intermittent jiminy cricket

(1:37) OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

(1:38) _’Uncomfortableness’ isn’t a word._

(1:39) semantics

(1:40) _Please don’t get strung out over this. It’s innocent texting, and besides, I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself, you know._

(1:41) you’re my bff, dipshit, and that doesn’t mean i won’t fret

(1:42) just you know, be safe or whatever

(1:43) don’t do anything i wouldn’t do

(1:44) _That’s not a very long list._

(1:45) RUDE

***

Friday Afternoon, October 10th

(2:05) **Why are you smiling like such a doofus?**

(2:06) **It’s getting unnerving.**

(2:07) No reason

(2:08) **Hmm.**

(2:09) What, am I not allowed to smile?

(2:10) You’re the one who said I have to stop looking so murderous all the time

(2:11) **Yeah, but usually your forced smiles are creepy.**

(2:13) Gee, thanks

(2:14) **THAT smile was genuine.**

(2:15) Whatever

(2:16) **Lan Fan said you were texting all through math.**

(2:17) **And that you were giggling like a little girl.**

(2:18) Well she can go fuck herself

(2:19) And so can you, for that matter

(2:20) **Now, now, brother, there’s no need to be belligerent.**

(2:22) Says you

(2:23) Ugh STOP looking at me like that or I’m going to deck you

(2:24) **It wouldn’t be the first time you got us kicked out of the library.**

(2:25) Again, fuck you

(2:26) STOP

(2:27) STOOOOOOOOOOOP

(2:28) You’re so god damn annoying, Al

(2:29) **Perk of being the younger brother, Ed.**

(2:30) **That and getting to blame everything on you.**

(2:31) You SUCK

(2:32) You suck SO HARD

(2:33) You suck more dick than LING

(2:34) **I’m not going to leave you alone until you tell me.**

(2:35) Or until I murder you

(2:26) **Yeah but then who would help you fling around dildos during drills?**

(2:27) **(The answer is nobody, because DILDOS, brother!)**

(2:28) **Tell me, please?**

(2:29) **Is it Roooooooooooose?!?!**

(2:30) No

(2:31) **If something’s making you happy I just want to share that happiness.**

(2:32) A touching-seeming statement that is actually code for “I want to make fun of you”

(2:33) **Like you wouldn’t do the same thing.**

(2:34) **Like you DON’T do the same thing, ALL THE TIME.**

(2:35) Perk of being the older brother, ALPHONSE

(2:36) You’re a little shit

(2:38) **C’mon. Tell me? Please?**

(2:39) Fuck fine

(2:40) That person I wrong-number texted, texted me back to say she was a she

(2:41) And then we told dick jokes back and forth until she had to go

(2:44) **Well that’s. Random.**

(2:46) I know

(2:47) Look it’s not a big deal

(2:48) We probably won’t text again, anyway

(2:49) But she was pretty funny

(2:52) **Just. You know. Be careful. If you do. Sometimes people aren’t… who they seem to be.**

(2:53) Like you have to tell me that

(2:54) Like I said, it’s not a big deal

(2:55) **Can I see the convo?**

(2:56) NO

(2:57) **Why not? If it’s just dick jokes it’s not like I’m invading your privacy.**

(2:58) Because NO

(2:59) **Hmm.**

(3:00) Seriously, fuck off. I’m going to go study in the room

(3:01) **Don’t sulk, brother.**

(3:02) Don’t be a nosy little jerk, /brother/

(3:04) **Fine, Ed, I’ll leave you to it.**

***

Friday Evening, October 10th

(7:20) _Did you actually say ‘oh my lanta’, like from Full House?_

(7:21) Not you too

(7:22) What is it shit on Ed day? Did I miss the memo?

(7:23) _Why, who else is ribbing on you, ‘Ed’?_

(7:24) Shit

(7:25) Ah it doesn’t matter

(7:28) _No offense intended, again, but you seem like a very reactionary person._

(7:29) You’re not the first to say so

(7:30) 4 detentions so far this year, ‘temper’ related

(7:31) People are just idiots

(7:32) Sorry

(7:35) _You don’t have to apologize, it’s not like we know one another._

(7.36) _Though I should probably apologize for making assumptions and/or trying to play psychiatrist. Your life is really none of my business._

(7:38) Well I just unintentionally called you an idiot, so

(7:39) Ugh, whatever, this is stupid

(7:40) My mom was a big Full House fan, I guess

(7:41) She said ‘oh my lanta’ all the time

(7:43) _Ah, I see_.

(7:45) _I have to go again._

(7:46) Right

***

Friday Evening, October 10th

(9:04) _What’s the ultimate rejection?_

(9:08) Are we being introspective now?

(9:09) I don’t know if I’m up for self-analysis with a stranger

(9:11) _No, it’s a joke._

(9:12) _What’s the ultimate rejection?_

(9:13) Oh

(9:14) I don’t know, what

(9:16) _When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep._

(9:18) HA

(9:19) ZING

(9:20) _Good night, ‘Ed’._

(9:21) Night, Queen of Dick Jokes.

(9:22) And thanks


	2. Leering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- **Bolded Underline** is Ling  
>  \- **Bold** is Alphonse

Saturday Morning, October 11th

(9:20) _Your marching band needs practice._

(9:30) …?

(9:31) Is that a euphemism

(9:33) _No, I’m being literal. Your school’s band is playing at the Farmer’s Market for the Great Pumpkin Challenge, and they’re… sort of awful._

(9:35) _You should file a complaint._

(9:36) Lol

(9:37) “Hi Lieutenant-Commander Bradley (our CO), a chick I’ve never met says our band sucks balls”

(9:38) Also, what the hell is a great pumpkin challenge

(9:40) _!!!_

(9:41) _Do you live under a rock!?_

(9:42) It is too early for this level of dramatics

(9:43) _There were only four exclamation marks. I think that is tame for the blasphemy you are espousing._

(9:45) It is DEFINITELY too early for words like ‘espousing’

(9:44) _Do you not have to get up at gross-o’clock every day? I thought sleeping past 4am was a military faux paux._

(9:45) NOT ON SATURDAY

(9:46) Unless you’re on duty

(9:47) WHICH I AM NOT

(9:49) _Now who’s being dramatic!?_

(9:50) Your mom

(9:51) _Weak._

(9:53) That’s what she said?

(9:54) _... You realize you just burned yourself, yes?_

(9:56) Ugh, fuck

(9:57) FINE

(9:58) SORRY

(9:59) PLEASE ENLIGHTEN MY UNCULTURED ASS

(10:01) _It’s a pumpkin carving challenge! Local growers supply pumpkins for the applicants, and they carve some pretty spectacular things. There’s a panel of judges, and the top three get monetary awards. Something like $300, $150 & $75 for first, second and third. And there’s voting rounds as well, so the public can choose for other categories. Like for themes, like best cartoon, and scariest, and etc. Those prizes are supplied by local merchants._

(10:02) Sounds… /involved/

(10:05) _Yeah, this is just the opening. They’re talking about the prizes and whatever, and the people competing are starting with their carving._

(10:06) _Voting starts at the Wednesday market._

(10:07) _It’s pretty cool, plus it gets more people to the market. It closes in a few weeks until April._

(10:09) Are you a pumpkin artist or a envious spectator/judge

(10:09) ?

(10:10) (If the latter please vote for all the shit pumpkins, because, reasons)

(10:11) _Sponsor, actually._

(10:12) _Well my granny is, anyway._

(10:14) What’s your prize?

(10:15) _Mmm, I think I will keep that to myself._

(10:17) Why

(10:18) _It’s pretty unique to what we do. Sorry, I’m just not comfortable with the idea of an identity revelation._

(10:19) Hey, you know I’m Ed and that I go to Dick School

(10:21) _Your prerogative._

(10:22) _Or lapsus linguae._

(10:24) Wtf does that mean

(10:25) _”Slip of the tongue.”_

(10:27) Whhhhhhhhhy would you say the first over the second

(10:29) _You said you wanted me to “ENLIGHTEN [YOUR] UNCULTURED ASS”._

(10:30) _Latin. Bam. You’re welcome._

(10:32) This is way too much learning for a Saturday morning

(10:34) _It’s good for you._

(10:36) Debatable

(10:38) Welp, this has been eye-opening, but I’ve gotta go punch shit

(10:40) _Have fun with that._

(10:40) _I think._

***

Saturday Afternoon, October 11th

(1:11) In case you’re keeping score, I DID have fun

(1:12) Got a black eye and a swollen lip, but FUN

(1:14) _It was too early for big words and learning, but not for vendettas?_

(1:16) Sparring, not vendettas

(1:17) “For building physical and emotional strength”

(1:17) (I am more devious with my vendettas)

(1:18) _Sounds like bullshit._

(1:19) _(Evidenced by your whipping dildos at people. Very subtle.)_

(1:21) Yeah, mostly it’s just an excuse to smack one another

(1:22) And HEY I’ll have you know I am VERY devious

(1:24) _That’s a great way to color your character to a stranger._

(1:25) _”I am VERY devious and my interests include punching things, and phallic objects.”_

(1:26) _”Not necessarily in that order.”_

(1:27) Touche

(1:28) _Speaking of ‘coloring’..._

(1:29) _Those are some BLUE uniforms._

(1:31) Christ, tell me about it

(1:32) You know in Anchorman when Christina Applegate is like YOU LOOK LIKE A BLUEBERRY

(1:33) That’s how I feel. Every. Day.

(1:34) Why couldn’t they have been red, or black or something

(1:35) Those are badass colors

(1:37) _What’s ‘badass’ is pretty subjective._

(1:38) _I’m sure that somebody, somewhere, thinks that your blueberry uniforms are the badassiest._

(1:39) _Not me, though._

(1:40) _Lamesville, Population You. In Blue._

(1:42) That is just not nice

(1:44) _Just callin’ ‘um like I see ‘um._

(1:45) I don’t know if my ego can take much more of this

(1:46) _I get the feeling it needs to be taken down from time to time._

(1:47) Ouch

***

Saturday Afternoon, October 11th

(1:20) **Seeing you smile so much is unnerving the first years, Edward.**

(1:21) **They’re all titchy and seem to think that a swarm of vibrators will be converging upon us at any moment.**

(1:22) **It is hindering the effectiveness of my tutoring.**

(1:23) Library is free space, Dickling

(1:24) **Your wit truly astounds me.**

(1:26) And why is everyone so creeped out by my smiling

(1:27) **Just the general composition of your face, I believe.**

(1:29) You’re hilarious

(1:30) Also I think that ‘throng of dongs’ is a better pack term for groupings of dildos

(1:31) What did you do with all of them

(1:33) **Wouldn’t you like to know.**

(1:34) **Please take your maniacal cackling elsewhere.**

(1:35) Nope

(1:37) Annoying you, even unintentionally, gives me such joy

(1:38) **What if I were to propose a temporary truce, and my aid in pranking Captain Mustang?**

(1:40) ****A little birdie told me that you might need assistance for the latter stages of some unnecessarily complex plotting.** **

(1:41) A little blabbermouth birdie named fucking Alphonse

(1:41) ?

(1:42) ****I never reveal my sources, Edward.****

(1:44) It’s a plan for Halloween. Not sure I have faith in us not killing each other; that’s three weeks, man

(1:45) Also, you’re a food-stealing jackass who cannot be trusted

(1:46) ****What if I can promise Lan Fan’s cooperation as well?****

(1:47) …

(1:48) And all I have to do is leave the library

(1:48) Seriously?

(1:50) ****Any time I am tutoring, for the three week duration of co-plotting.****

(1:51) ****Afterward, perhaps another agreement can be made?****

(1:53) Don’t count your chickens, Dickling

(1:54) But you got a deal for now

***

Saturday Afternoon, October 11th

(1:52) Okay so, you gotta give me something to call you

(1:53) Queen of Dick Jokes is a mouthful

(1:54) Pun very much intended

(1:55) _What’s wrong with ‘Wrong Number Girl’?_

(1:56) BORING

(1:57) I’m engaging in conversation with you, you’re not the ditzy extra on a cut-rate sitcom

(1:59) _Hmm. Well._

(2:00) _I don’t really have any nicknames._

(1:57) Interests? Habits? Immoral fixations?

(1:58) _Does sleeping count?_

(1:59) Not really

(2:00) Here how about

(2:01) I’m a big nerd

(2:02) _While I don’t doubt that that was a freeing admission for you, I’m not sure what your intention was otherwise._

(2:03) Shut up, I wasn’t finished

(2:05) I’m a big nerd because in my spare time I read science texts and do unassigned experiments, and research political science

(2:06) _Wow._

(2:06) _I find that difficult to reconcile with your dildo throwing._

(2:07) Those are not mutually exclusive things

(2:08) _*puts you in phone as ‘Dildo Ed the Nerd’*_

(2:09) A truly crowning achievement in my life

(2:10) _Okay, um._

(2:11) _I like baking? And. Fixing stuff. Engines, mostly._

(2:12) You any good? With cars?

(2:13) _I’m told so. ‘Natural proclivity’. Regardless, I enjoy it._

(2:14) Fair enough

(2:15) So

(2:15) Would you call yourself a gearhead?

(2:14) _I guess?_

(2:15) Done and done!

(2:15) That was easy

(2:16) I should make your icon photo a wrench or something

(2:17) _Hm. Well. I daresay there are worse names._

(2:18) _So. I guess we’re going to keep chatting?_

(2:19) Idk, if you’re cool with that

(2:20) _I think so. You’re pretty entertaining._

(2:21) I aim to please, madam

(2:22) You’re all right yourself

(2:22) Your jokes also put any knock knock apps to shame

(2:24) _Knock knock._

(2:25) EXCELLENT

(2:36) Who’s there, Gearhead

(2:37) _Cya._

(2:38) Cya who

(2:40) _Cya Later!_

(2:41) …

(2:42) I see what you did there

***

Saturday Afternoon, October 11th

(2:50) How’s it hangin’, traitorous brethren?

(2:53) **That feels accusatory.**

(2:54) NO SHIT

(2:55) Why’d you tell Ling about our plans for Mustang?!?

(2:56) **Oh, brother.**

(2:57) **I didn’t tell him anything specific! I merely… /implied/ that we might all join forces for the sake of this not becoming a slapdash failure.**

(2:58) !!!

(2:59) We could’ve pulled it off just fine without that spoiled little weasel’s help

(3:00) **But is Lan Fan in, though?**

(3:01) Oh, shut up

(3:02) So he says

(3:04) **Well then suffering through time with Ling will be worth it.**

(3:05) **Besides, brother, you have to admit that he’s creative with pranks.**

(3:06) I don’t have to admit shit

(3:07) **Brood all you want, you know we couldn’t have pulled it off without Lan Fan.**

(3:09) Whatever

(3:10) **If you’ve made a deal with Ling, you should play nice.**

(3:12) That’d be more unnerving for him than me smacking him all the time

(3:13) Our ‘deal’ didn’t include us being bestest buddies

(3:14) **What were the terms then?**

(3:15) I have to not leer in the library when he’s tutoring

(3:16) **... Do you usually?**

(3:17) I don’t make a habit of it

(3:18) Seriously, though, why does my smiling creep people out

(3:19) **Well it’s generally followed by you behaving rudely in some capacity.**

(3:21) That’s an exaggeration!!

(3:23) **Mmmm.**

(3:23) **So it was less you leering and more your smiling that was making people uncomfortable?**

(3:25) You make me sound very fucked up

(3:26) **I’m not going to comment on that.**

(3:27) **Why were you smiling?**

(3:29) Doesn’t matter

(3:30) Jackass

(3:31) **You’re so transparent, brother.**

(3:32) **Was it Rose, this time?**

(3:33) Fuck off with Rose, no

(3:34) She’s more into me than I’m into her

(3:35) **You might want to tell her that.**

(3:37) Yeah, whatever

(3:39) **So if not Rose, then what?**

(3:40) Ugh

(3:41) People are happy all the time

(3:42) Why does this have to be the Spanish Inquisition

(3:43) **Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.**

(3:44) **Oh, c’mon, you set yourself up for that.**

(3:45) **Was your Wrong Number telling penis jokes again?**

(3:49) No

(3:50) **That took a long time to answer.**

(3:51) Fuck off

(3:53) **Jeez, Ed, you’re so defensive!**

(3:55) **You said yourself that it wasn’t a big deal.**

(3:56) And it’s not!! That doesn’t mean I want to be interrogated about my basic emotions, jesus

(3:58) **Sorry, brother.**

(4:00) Seriously, whatever

(4:01) Just

(4:02) Stop blowing stuff out of proportion

(4:05) **You’re just usually so… volatile. And if you’re not that, you’re… overenthusiastic. You’ve never subscribed much to basic emotions.**

(4:06) Seriously, you make me sound like someone who should be studied

(4:08) **I’m just trying to explain myself.**

(4:10) Yeah, I know

(4:11) Forget about it

(4:13) You still want to study tonight

(4:14) **Yes. Meet you at seven?**

(4:15) K

***

Monday Morning, October 13th

(9:15) I hate English

(9:16) _Unless you know any other languages, I think you’re stuck with it._

(9:17) The language I can handle, the grammar rules not so much

(9:18) _I’d garnered that for myself, through your lack of punctuation._

(9:19) I also hate analyzing story themes

(9:20) Like

(9:22) There’s no way that every SINGLE thing the author wrote has SOME sort of literary symbolism. So what the sky was orange, maybe the dude just likes orange! Or maybe he was writing the story and when he looked up thinking ‘now what’ he saw the sun was setting and went ‘BOOYAH’

(9:23) _You seem tense._

(9:24) I would literally rather be anywhere but here right now

(9:25) _That’s unfortunate._

(9:27) Are you in class right now ?

(9:28) _No, I have a study period._

(9:29) Lucky you

(9:30) Interesting development on the Dick Epic front

(9:31) _Oh?_

(9:32) Ling and I have formed a truce against our Biology teacher

(9:33) _Why, what’d he do to you?_

(9:34) He’s just a smug asshole

(9:35) _Sounds like someone else I know._

(9:36) …

(9:37) I feel like that was a thinly veiled insult

(9:39) _Huh. I’ll work on being more direct._

(9:40) You’re mean

(9:41) _’Hilarious’._

(9:42) _So you’ve formed a truce. Why and how?_

(9:43) Strictly political

(9:44) We need his pseudo-girlfriend, she’s an ass-kicking little acrobat

(9:45) Don’t tell her I said that

(9:46) _I don’t foresee that as being an issue._

(9:47) _Pseudo?_

(9:48) Yeah, they’re both totally into one another

(9:49) They need to bang and get it over with, idk what the hold up is

(9:50) _Why do you need an ‘ass-kicking little acrobat’?_

(9:52) REASONS

(9:53) Details aren’t finalized, I don’t want to spoil the effect

(9:54) _Naturally._

(9:55) It’ll be at Halloween though, at our stupid dance

(9:56) _You have a Halloween dance?_

(9:57) Every year

(9:58) And every year someone (me) spikes the punch

(10:00) _Color me shocked._

(10:01) _What are you going to be for Halloween?_

(10:03) Dunno, I’ll figure something out

(10:04) You?

(10:05) _I haven’t decided yet. Toying with the idea of Princess Leia._

(10:06) Badass! You should

(10:07) Bikini ?!?!

(10:08) _Your mind /would/ go there._

(10:09) _I’m not much of an exhibitionist._

(10:10) Well it’s never too late to start

(10:12) _..._

(10:13) _I guess I can’t hold that against you, you did say upfront that you were perverted._

(10:14) I am many things

(10:15) _No doubt._

(10:16) _I have to run. My next teacher has a phones off rule._

(10:17) Don’t most of them?

(10:18) _Yeah, but she’s a little heavy handed in the enforcing._

(10:19) Lame. Ttyl

***

Tuesday Afternoon, October 14th

(3:00) _You are not alone:_

(3:02) 

(3:04) HA

(3:05) It’s like a window to my sooooooooooul

(3:06) _I do what I can._


	3. Teenagedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse

Wednesday Morning, October 15th

(10:15) _Are you ready to be wowed by expertly carved pumpkins?_

(10:16) _No one else will humor me :(_

(10:17) I can’t imagine why

(10:18) _Aw, c’mon, pleaaaaaase?_

(10:19) _Some are really cool!_

(10:20) Fine, squash me

(10:21) (See what I did there??)

(10:22) (That’s your punishment)

(10:23) _WHATEVER. Pumpkins!_

(10:24) _Seriously, I love this stuff._

(10:25) I couldn’t tell

(10:26) _Okay, okay, so this one is from the kids’ contest. They’ve got different prizes, and their pumpkins are more adorable than cool, but I digress:_

(10:27) Please, do

(10:28) _(Shush!!)_

(10:29) 

(10:30) Are those little pumpkin piggies

(10:31) _Yes!!_

(10:32) _So cute!!_

(10:33) All this time I was mildly concerned that you might actually be an unflappable librarian conducting a social experiment. Only now am I convinced that you’re actually a teenage girl

(10:34) _Don’t be rude, /Ed/._

(10:35) Simply expressing my amazement

(10:36) What’s next

(10:38) _Well, I didn’t take pictures of EVERY entry, just my favorites._

(10:29) Small mercy

(10:32) 

(10:33) I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that

(10:35) 

(10:36) Seriously!?! I mean, I’m not complaining, because MO-JO-JO-JO is pretty badass, but isn’t he a little outdated by popular culture standards

(10:37) ??

(10:38) _Well I think that so is Harry Potter, technically._

(10:39) HERETIC

(10:40) HARRY POTTER WILL NEVER BE OUT OF STYLE

(10:41) _Good answer._

(10:42) …

(10:43) Are you fishing for my interests with pumpkins

(10:44) That’s weird

(10:45) _A weird system for a weird boy._

(10:46) Ouch

(10:47) 

(10:49) DALEK

(10:50) SOME AMAZING SOUL CARVED A DALEK !?!

(10:51) HE WILL EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE COMPETITION

(10:52) _Glad you approve!_

(10:53) _There are actually a few Doctor Who ones, but that one is the best of them._

(10:54) Wicked

(10:55) I didn’t realize that pumpkin carving could be so personalized

(10:56) Mostly bc every pumpkin I’ve tried to carve has attempted to drown me in it’s innards

(10:57) _I think you’re doing it wrong._

(10:58) OR maybe I just have a knack for picking homicidal pumpkins

(10:59) _Keep telling yourself that._

(11:00) _Last One!! I think that this one will probably win._

(11:02) Big statement

(11:03) 

(11:04) Holy crap

(11:05) _I know, right?_

(11:06) How much practicing would you have to do to become that proficient in sculpting pumpkins

(11:07) That’s mind-blowing

(11:08) Are you voting

(11:09) _I can’t. Sponsor, remember?_

(11:10) _They’re all on the city website though, so you can vote there if you want. And see all the rest of them._

(11:11) …

(11:12) I am actually contemplating voting for pumpkins

(11:13) For a contest I didn’t know existed until four days ago

(11:14) Your influence is staggering

(11:15) _I do what I can._

(11:16) _I DID tell you it was a really cool competition._

(11:17) _Also, everybody knows that dorkiness is catching if you’re already entrenched._

(11:18) Did you just call me a dork??

(11:19) I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW that I am a RENEGADE

(11:20) LOOK UNDER BADASS IN THE DICTIONARY, I’M THERE

(11:22) _Do you own a Doctor Who t-shirt?_

(11:24) I’m not going to answer that

(11:25) _Dork._

(11:26) ARRRRGH

(11:27) MY STREET CRED

(11:28) I CAN FEEL IT BEING ZAPPED BACK INTO THE COOL’O’SPHEARE

(11:29) _If you were ever ACTUALLY considered ‘cool’, I will eat an ENTIRE pumpkin RAW._

(11:31) You wound me

(11:32) You wound me so hard

(11:33) _I told you before, I call ‘um like I see ‘um._

(11:34) _And so deduce that you are as big a dork as I am, if not bigger._

(11:36) BALLS I am late for my LAB

(11:37) I WILL REFUTE YOUR CHARGES AT A LATER DATE

(11:39) _Boo!_

(11:40) _Thanks for indulging me!_

(11:41) _Dork._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Wednesday Afternoon, October 15th

(2:15) Knock Knock

(2:30) _Who’s there?_

(2:32) Doctor

(2:33) _... Seriously?_

(2:34) SAY IT

(2:34) PLEASE

(2:35) _Ugh._

(2:36) _This is lame even by what I’ve judged to be your standards._

(2:37) _And by that I mean your complete and total lack of them._

(2:38) If you’re still trying to deflate my ego, FYI, you’ve got a long way to go before you even manage a proper puncture, SO

(2:39) SAY THE THING, GEARHEAD

(2:40) _You’re a capslock abusing nutcase. /Fine/._

(2:41) _”Doctor Who?”_

(2:42) YES

(2:44) 

(2:45) _... OMG._

(2:46) _Is that an actual thing that exists!?!_

(2:47) One of my MANY Doctor Who tshirts

(2:48) My brother gave it to me for my birthday

(2:49) I may or may not have spent the last hour voting for jack o'lanterns online, thus having plenty of time to come to terms with my apparently extreme dorkishness

(2:51) _Wow._

(2:52) _That was surprisingly easy._

(2:54) LIKE YOUR MOM

(2:55) I now have an irrepressible urge to carve ALL THE PUMPKINS

(2:56) Wow I really am overdoing the all caps a bit, aren’t I

(2:57) _Well, maybe, but perhaps it depends._

(2:58) How do you mean

(2:58) ??

(2:59) _How much time, reasonably, would you say you spend shouting?_

(3:01) I asked my brother and he says 64%

(3:02) Which is oddly and annoyingly specific

(3:03) _He sounds like good, no-shit-taking people, your brother._

(3:04) I can’t tell him that

(3:05) He’ll /preen/

(3:06) _Family trait?_

(3:07) Hurr hurr

(3:08) _As enjoyable a pastime as it’s becoming to unrepentantly give you shit, I have a study date._

(3:09) _Have a good night!_

(3:10) Yeah, you too  
  
  
***  
  
  
Wednesday Afternoon, October 15th

(4:15) **So.**

(4:17) So… what ??

(4:18) **Are you going explain why you spent all of free period looking at pumpkins online?**

(4:19)  **Or your random request for statistics on your shouting?**

(4:20) Nope and nope

(4:21) **Brother.**

(4:22) Oh, go ‘brother’ yourself

(4:23) You’re a needling pain in my ass, Al

(4:24) **I went to the city website, you know.**

(4:25) Of course you did

(4:26) **What made you decide to vote on a pumpkin carving contest?**

(4:27) Does it matter

(4:28) (The answer is no, Ed, no it doesn’t)

(4:29) **I think it was your Wrong Number Girl.**

(4:30) I really wish you’d fuck off

(4:31) Like, do you not have anything better to do ??

(4:32) That Bean Girl giving you the cold shoulder or something ??

(4:33) **Her name is /Mei/, brother.**

(4:34) I know what her name is, but I really don’t care

(4:35) **You’re such a jerk sometimes, Ed.**

(4:36) Oh, don’t get all persnickety, you big girl

(4:37) Don’t dish it if you can’t take it

(4:38) **Is Wrong Number Girl a jack o’lantern connoisseur?**

(4:39) **Did she carve one of those pumpkins?**

(4:40) **I’ll vote for her, if you want me to.**

(4:41) Oh for

(4:42) Her grandmother’s business is a sponsor

(4:43) She showed me some of her favorites, and they looked cool, and she couldn’t vote so

(4:44) I voted for the ones she liked

(4:45) **Aw, brother, that’s adorable!!**

(4:47) Fuck yoooooooooooooou

(4:48) **It’s still incredibly weird, though.**

(4:49) I’m not really looking for yours or anybody’s approval

(4:50) Especially considering all we’ve done is exchange inanities

(4:51) Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, teasing or otherwise

(4:52) Let it alone, will you ??

(4:55) **Fine.**

(4:56) That was a struggle for you, wasn’t it

(4:57) You’re like an interfering aunt

(4:58) Anyway, speaking of pumpkins though, I had a thought as to how to make Mustang’s ultimate misery all the worse

(4:59) **I bet it involves pumpkin guts.**

(5:00) Ding ding ding, we have a winner !!

(5:01) C’mon, like that won’t be spectacularly gratifying

(5:02) **Not everyone harbors the same loathing for Captain Mustang that you do, brother.**

(5:03) /Loathe/ is a strong word

(5:04) He’s just so fucking pompous

(5:05) Will you mention it to Ling

(5:06) **Why can’t you?**

(5:07) Because I’m in a good mood and seeing his stupid face is bound to miff me

(5:08) **If I weren’t seeing him in an hour, I’d make you do it yourself.**

(5:09) Yeah, yeah, I owe you one  
  
***  
  
(5:15)  **Did she tell you what her grandmother's company was?**

(5:18) No

(5:19)  **Has she told you her name yet?**

(5:20) No

(5:22)  **Any leads??**

(5:30) Maybe

(5:31) Now go away, Hawkeye's watching me like a...

(5:32) Eh, you get it  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Morning, October 16th

(9:09) how are yooooou, oh best of bestest friends?!?!

(9:11) _..._

(9:12) _What do you want, Paninya?_

(9:13) little ole me???? why, just to inquire after my dearest chum’s well-being, of course!! nothing untoward intended here, nope, nosiree

(9:14) _Who are you trying to convince of that, really, yourself or me?_

(9:15) _Because if you’re being sincere then I’m dating Channing Tatum._

(9:16) you wound me, oh ye of so, so little faith

(9:16) _You bring my scoffing on yourself._

(9:17) _I am a victim of circumstance, and you are a glutton for punishment._

(9:19) why you gotta be so ruuuuuuuuuuude

(9:20) dontcha know i’m human tooooooooooooo

(9:21) _Don’t type Magic at me, you satanist. Hearing it on the radio is grating enough._

(9:22) _Seriously, though, what are you trying to butter me up for?_

(9:23) you remember olivia, yes????

(9:24) _The cheerleader whose ass you’ve /literally/ written sonnets about?_

(9:25) she knows what to do with that big fat butt, what can i say

(9:26) there’s a football game on friday

(9:28) _NO._

(9:30) PLEASE please please please please please please pretty pretty please oh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaase?!?!?!?! winry i love you

(9:31) _NO._

(9:32) _YOU ARE NOT GUILTING ME INTO FREEZING MY ASS OFF WHILE I WATCH YOU MAKE MOONEYES LIKE A HORNY FUCKING DEER AT SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE._

(9:33) jesus i don’t think i’ve ever see you use so many caps in one run

(9:34) i didn’t realize football was capable of inciting so much rage, man

(9:35) like, i know you and it are not on the best of terms, but wowzers

(9:36) what if I bought you a hot dog

(9:37) _You can’t buy my compliance with hot dogs._

(9:38) cmon win, please please please, i need a winglady

(9:39) she’s just so gorgeous and cool and GUH

(9:40) she makes me feel like a brainless asshole

(9:41) _I seriously don’t know how you think /I’m/ going to help you._

(9:43) moral support!!!!!!!!! remind me not to drool and poke me when i forget how to speak english and am just glubbing at her like a fish person

(9:44) _UGH_

(9:45) _YOU ARE THE WORST_

(9:47) shit i really must be if i’ve pushed you to the point of forgetting punctuation

(9:48) does this mean you’ll come !?!?!?!

(9:50) please please please please please please pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease

(9:51) _Two conditions._

(9:52) NAME UM SISTAH

(9:54) _1\. You’d better /actually/ buy me that hot dog._

(9:55) i’ll buy you SIX hot dogs, a hundred hot dogs, all the hot dogs EVER even

(9:56) _2\. Help me with this stupid art elective._

(9:58) !!!!

(9:59) ”it’s a bird class” she said, “i could pass it with my eyes closed” she said, “i mean how hard could it be, i could probably fingerpaint my way through it” she said

(10:00) _Do you want me to go to the stupid football game with you, or not?_

(10:01) oh I DO and i’ll help you, but this is a moment i’ve been longing for throughout the course of our entire friendship, you darling ducky you, and so i am going to savor the shit out of it

(10:02) ”i’m not artistic but mrs llewellyn looks like she gives cookies and stickers out for trying your very best” she said, “i’ll paper mache a bust of my ass and she’ll probably pass me on the spot for thinking outside the box” she said

(10:03) _I hate you._

(10:04) you are a lying liar who lies

(10:05) AND I TOLD YOU SO

(10:06) _Ugh_.

(10:07) _I just wanted an easy GPA boost, but that woman is making me work for it._

(10:08) _She wants a piece of self-reflection, in COLLAGE FORM._

(10:09) _Like, I don’t have time to /collage/, I’ve got four AP classes._

(10:10) _Not to mention that they’re a hell of a lot more interesting than the prospect of an evening spent with bristol board and a glue stick, cutting up magazines, pretending that it’s some abstractedly enlightening experience._

(10:11) it’ll probably be good for you, you know

(10:12) all that science and mechanics and shit has you wound a little tight

(10:13) a little self-awareness never hurt nobody

(10:14) _Is depression a myth, then?_

(10:15) pfft that’s not what i meant and you know it, you big whiny baby

(10:16) you’ll survive this trying speed bump in your excuse for teenagedom, i’m sure

(10:17) _!?!?!_

(10:18) what

(10:19) _WTF is ‘excuse for teenagedom’ supposed to mean?_

(10:21) idk don't you spend all your spare time reading mechanics magazines and building weird shit or prosthetics with granny pinako, or stay home on saturday nights and watch shitty, british tv shows from the 60s ??? not to mention this weekend/yesterday you went to and ENJOYED a pumpkin carving contest

(10:23) _Wow. Sorry, should I be getting wasted every weekend instead? Going to parties with people I don’t like and who don’t like me, playing dumb or pretending that their bullshit is of any interest to me? I would RATHER be by myself. They all think that this is the high end of their lives, and they’re in for a rude awakening in a few years when they realize that popularity and condescension and clothes and drinking and acting like humongous assholes amounts to nothing whatsoever in this place I like to call reality. I don’t need two-faced friendships, and whatever rites of passage I’m supposedly missing out on are a waste of my time._

(10:24) _Like football games. Whoo, team spirit, what a crock._

(10:25) _I don’t need to embrace stereotypes to feel validated, so suck a dick, Paninya._

(10:36) i wasn’t trying to call you out, win, or make you feel bad

(10:37) it was a joke

(10:39) _Whatever._

(10:40) _I’m turning my phone off for the rest of the day, so please don’t keep trying to justify your being an asshole._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Afternoon, October 16th

(2:01) _Can I ask you a question?_

(2:02) You just did. Want to ask another one ??

(2:03) _Do you consider yourself a ‘proper’ teenager?_

(2:04) Idk, what are the prerequisites

(2:06) _I’m really not sure. Partying? Trading significant others every second week? Gossip and drama and bullying, backhanded compliments… Mean Girls?_

(2:07) I don’t think I’m pretty enough to pass for Regina George

(2:09) _Lol._

(2:10) _Yeah, me either._

(2:11) Can I ask what made you ask

(2:12) Did you suddenly realize that you were missing a few high school hazing merit badges

(2:13) _My best friend was unintentionally... not very nice, and made me feel like… I don’t know, she made me feel like an asshole for not having conventional 16-year-old girl interests._

(2:14) Eh, convention is overrated

(2:15) Do what you want and to hell with everybody else

(2:16) I’d rather redefine convention myself

(2:18) Besides, we’ll all do stupid shit while we’re kids, one way or another, you know ?? Like I don’t think it’s a matter of checking all the little boxes on some master plan to make it to adult-land, but none of us are mature and none of us are always going to do it right, and nobody’s better than anyone else because they’re conventional or unconventional or whatever

(2:19) Do what you want with as much pride as you can muster, all the rest of the idiots are treading water the same way

(2:22) _That was… deep, Ed._

(2:23) Well I wasn’t aiming to be profound

(2:24) But I am equal parts genius and asshole, so

(2:25) _Thanks, though. Seriously._

(2:26) You’re welcome ??

(2:27) Just do me a favor and don’t make any of your social media bios song lyrics

(2:28) That’d be friends off, no take-backs

(2:30) _Ha! Duly noted!_

(2:31) Anywho, aren't you a self-professed dork

(2:32) Fretting will get in the way of letting your life get taken over by a manga

(2:33) Or similarly (as in my case) by your thousandth read-through of Inuyasha

(2:35) _”I’m too busy with Sailor Moon Crystal and Attack on Titan, sorry. I’ll have to postpone my existential crisis for the moment.”_

(2:37) I can get behind that

(2:38) Better than Sixteen & Pregnant, or all these New Wave Hipsters

(2:39) Like, why is everything ever now covered in mustaches

(2:40) _Mmm, consumer capitalism??_

(2:42) And yet I love my iPhone

(2:43) Oh well !!

(2:44) _If you can’t beat um’, join um’._

(2:45) And if you can’t join um’, take a nap

(2:46) Which I think my study period will be good for, we had sparring this morning and I am fucking wiped

(2:47) Ttyl

(2:48) _You bet._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Afternoon, October 16th

(3:04) _So. I’m sorry I flew off the handle. I shouldn’t have told you to choke on a dick, because I know you were just joking around and that you didn’t mean anything by it._

(3:05) thought you were turning your phone off

(3:06) _I put it on airplane mode and played Frozen Freefall for a while._

(3:07) ah

(3:08) seriously, though, you know i wasn’t trying to piss you off

(3:09) i like you just the way you are, win, i was just poking fun

(3:10) i’m sorry i’m a tactless little shithead

(3:09) _I know. If anybody was a shithead, though, it was me._

(3:10) _Do you still want me to go with you tomorrow?_

(3:11) if you want, yeah

(3:14) _I 'm up for it. And tonight, I’ll be dreaming of hot dogs._

(3:15) that sounds like the premise for the worst porno ever

(3:16) _Gross._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Evening, October 16th  
  
(6:50) She likes anime

(6:52) **Huh.**

(6:53) **Well.**

(6:54) **I guess** **you're just doomed then, aren't you?**


	4. Bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- **Bolded Underline** is Ling  
>  \- _Underlined Italics_ is Lan Fan

Friday Morning, October 17th

(10:15) I need a girl’s opinion

(10:16) _A specific one, or will any old opinion do?_

(10:17) Very, very specific

(10:18) I feel like I need to preface this somehow, because I’m probably going to come across as a massive douche canoe, but

(10:20) _’Douche canoe’, huh?_

(10:21) _Ominous._

(10:23) _Just spit it out, Ed. So long as you haven’t been using babies as shoes or something, I think you’re probably overreacting a bit._

(10:25) _Seriously, though._

(10:36) _Or not._  
  
  
***  
  
  
(11:25) Who is this!?!

(11:27) _Did you fall down and hit your head, is that why you didn’t elaborate on your prefacing woes? If you’re amnesiatic now I’m not sure I’ll be much help._

(11:28) Answer the question, please!

(11:29) _..._

(11:30) _Who are /you/?_

(11:31) Not that it’s any of YOUR business, but /I/ am Edward’s GIRLFRIEND!

(11:32) _Okay?_

(11:33) Now, who are YOU!? And why do you keep texting my BOYFRIEND!?!

(11:34) _Does Ed know that you’re snooping in his phone, texting people?_

(11:35) _Because if he doesn’t, and you really are his girlfriend, this is a rather huge invasion of his privacy. If you’re that concerned about the stability of your relationship, perhaps you ought to initiate a conversation with him, instead of looking for a scapegoat._

(11:36) SHUT UP!!!! What do you know!!?!

(11:36) You’re not answering the question!!!!!

(11:37) _No, and I don’t intend to._

(11:37) Who do you think you are, trying to take other people’s boyfriends!?!?!

(11:38) _I’m not trying to do anything. We’re friends._

(11:39) _Not that it’s any of /your/ business, Ed’s Girlfriend Apparently._

(11:40) Bitch.

(11:41) _I’m getting the feeling that that’s the pot calling the kettle black, there._

(11:42) _I think I might drop Ed’s brother, or Ling, a text._

(11:43) _Let them know that some crazy lady has his phone._

(11:44) You wouldn’t!!!

(11:45) _Oh, but I would._

(11:46) _Seriously, give his phone back and leave me alone._

(11:47) Look, ‘Gearhead’, I don’t know who you are, or what this stupid code name is supposed to mean, but I’m going to find out, you know!!! And then I’m going to track you down and punch your man-stealing ass into next week!!!

(11:48) 

(11:49) _Wow_

(11:49) _Much scare_

(11:50) _So concern_

(11:51) _Very fear_

(11:52) Laugh it up, you piece of shit!!!  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Afternoon, October 17th

(12:04) _So. I think my Wrong Number’s girlfriend just threatened to beat me up._

(12:05) you can’t hear it, but trust that i’m laughing hysterically

(12:06) _Seriously, though._

(12:07) _He said he had a question for me, then disappeared, and then someone who was definitely not him started harassing me to tell them who I was because she wanted to kick my home-wrecking ass._

(12:08) _She wasn’t that eloquent, and used WAY too many exclamation marks, but that was essentially the inference._

(12:09) she sounds charming

(12:10) _I’m pretty sure she stole his phone to snoop._

(12:11) god, that’s the grossest

(12:12) like, if you’re that insecure, just say so

(12:13) _Right?_

(12:14) _I told her I was going to text his brother and friend. I don’t actually have their numbers, obviously, but it’s not like she knows that._

(12:15) _No added threats in the last twenty minutes, so hopefully she returned it._

(12:16) _Or at least stopped treating his property like hers by extension._

(12:17) look at you go girl, making snobby nitwits all jelly

(12:18) _PFFT. If she went back through all our conversations it’s just pumpkins and dick jokes, and a severe lack of double entendres all things considered._

(12:19) meh, doesn’t matter

(12:20) if she’s that fixated i’m sure she’ll find something and lay into him like it’s justified

(12:21) chicks like that always do  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Afternoon, October 17th

(2:24) **Um. Hello?**

(2:25) _If you’ve put my number in your own phone, then so help me lady._

(2:26) **What? I’m not a lady.**

(2:26) **Uh. I mean, this is Alphonse.**

(2:27) _Who?_

(2:28) **Ed’s brother.**

(2:29) **This is Gearhead, right? He gave me your number in case you turned out to be a serial killer or something.**

(2:31) _Oh. Um. Yeah, it is._

(2:32) _Please tell me you’re not texting to make threats on my life?_

(2:33) **WHAT? NO!**

(2:34) **Oh my gosh, no. Ed’s phone went missing in English and he’s just been checking with people to see if anybody texted from it to say they’d found it.**

(2:35) **Do people regularly make threats on your life?**

(2:36) _No, thankfully._

(2:37) _His ‘girlfriend’ has it._

(2:38) **Ed doesn’t have… Wait, was her name Rose?**

(2:39) _She didn’t tell me her name, just text-shouted accusations._

(2:40) **Oh. Well.**

(2:41) **Just. I don’t know know if it matters, but she’s not his girlfriend. She sort of thinks she is, you know? They went out a bit, but, um. Yes.**

(2:42) _Oooookay?_

(2:43) _Well she stopped trash-talking some time before noon, so. I sort of bluffed and said I knew you and that Ling dude, so hopefully she just… I don’t know. Put it somewhere._

(2:44) **Mmm.**

(2:45) **Well you have my number now; if it happens again you actually CAN let me know.**

(2:46) _I sincerely hope it doesn’t._

(2:47) **Yeah. Yeah, me too. Well. I’ll let Ed know what’s up. Hopefully we’ll find it soon. Thanks, Gearhead.**

(2:48) _No problem. Good luck!_

***

Friday Afternoon, October 19th

(3:02) **Hey, have you seen Rose by any chance?**

(3:04) **I have not. Why do you ask?**

(3:05) **I have it on good authority that she stole brother’s phone.**

(3:06) **Oh, my. I imagine that Edward is not taking it well?**

(3:07) **He’s… pretty livid.**

(3:08) **I’ll keep my eyes peeled.**

(3:09) **Thanks, Ling.**

***

(3:11) **Hey, have you seen Rose at all recently?**

(3:12) _No, can’t say that I have. Why?_

(3:13) **Looks like she stole brother’s phone.**

(3:14) _!!! Actually?_

(3:15) **Yeah. Brother is not happy.**

(3:17) _Well that’s more than understandable. And if she was being snoopy she deserves to be in range for his imminent explosion._

(3:18) _I’ll have a look for her._

(3:19) **Thanks, Lan Fan.**

(3:20) _Np_

***

(3:31) _Just saw her heading toward the library._

***

(3:34) **She’s here in the library. Just took a computer near the periodicals.  
**   
  
***  
  
  
Friday Evening, October 17th

(6:54) Jesus fucking Christ she deleted everything

(6:56) _Is that actually you, Ed?_

(6:55) Yeah

(6:56) I don’t know what she said to you, but I’m sorry

(6:57) She deleted our entire convo history, and your contact information

(6:58) _WOW._

(6:59) _Lucky you thought to give Alphonse my number. Though I probably would’ve texted you again before long._

(7:00) She had you blocked too

(7:01) _What a piece of work, holy moley._

(7:02) _What happened exactly?_

(7:05) We’re doing debate in English. I usually sit in the back, and she sat across from me today, kept texting and trying to be flirty and shit. I was texting you to ask for a girl’s opinion on a way to let someone you’re not into anymore down easy. I got pulled up to debate gun ethics or some bullshit and it went on for the rest of the class

(7:07) And of course that ended with a conversation AFTER class about my passion and how it can be used for more than colorful swearing

(7:08) _Pffft._

(7:10) RIGHT. Anyway, classroom was empty, I went to grab my shit, and my phone was gone

(7:11) We tore the classroom apart

(7:13) And so then I thought that maybe I’d left it in the bathrooom, and etc etc, you know how it goes. It was Al’s idea to start texting people

(7:14) What’d she say to you

(7:14) ??

(7:16) _She called me a boyfriend-stealer and said she was going to beat me up._

(7:17) _I patronized her with a doge meme._

(7:18) LOL

(7:19) That explains why she called you a “dog-humping adulteress”

(7:20) _Ouch._

(7:21) _I take it there was a confrontation?_

(7:22) Yeah, a terrible one

(7:24) Ling and Lan Fan (ass-kicking acrobat) tracked her down and I was just SEETHING

(7:25) You don’t steal my shit, look through my private conversations, and threaten my friends like, where does she get off ??

(7:26) We screamed at one another

(7:27) She called me a cheater and I called her deluded and bonkers

(7:29) Like, I can’t

(7:30) We were never together together

(7:31) We like, made out twice and went to a movie

(7:32) You’d have thought from the way she was crying and waving her hands around that I’d just ruined her wedding planning

(7:33) _Lucky you got out now._

(7:34) No joke

(7:35) Like, when she’s not raging at me unprovoked, she’s pretty cool

(7:36) Definately not cool enough to put up with that sort of shit, though

(7:37) _Nobody’s boobs are that spectacular._

(7:38) HAhahhahaha

(7:39) Touche

(7:40) ANYHOOTS she slapped me, we had an EPIC screaming match in the middle of the library, and my weapons instructor saw the whole thing

(7:41) SHE tore us both down, and gave us two weeks worth of detention

(7:42) Separately, lord have mercy

(7:43) _What do you have to do for it?_

(7:44) Dunno yet, she said she’d consult the CO and tell me later “but rest assured Mr. Elric you won’t enjoy it”

(7:45) Can’t be any worse than scrubbing the indoor deck floor with a toothbrush

(7:46) _Unless you have to do it again._

(7:47) *shudders*

(7:48) THE HORROR

(7:49) Pray for my soul, Gearhead, please

(7:50) _Lol, I’ll see what I can do._

(7:51) _*changes your contact name to Edward Elric*_

(7:52) _’Rose’ elaborated on ‘Ed’, though funnily I figured it was short for something similar._

(7:54) Man I am shit at identity protection

(7:55) I hope the bank never gives me credit cards, I can’t be trusted

(7:56) _Well at least you can admit it to yourself; that’s the first step, or so they say._

(7:57) _How’d your parents come up with Alphonse? Edward seems so… plain, comparatively._

(7:58) Gee, thanks

(7:59) He’s named after someone. Mom’s great-uncle, or something? Idk

(8:00) _Ah._

(8:01) Aside from your Cat Fight, I hope your day was better than mine

(8:02) Not that yelling obscenities isn’t, at the very least, cathartic

(8:03) _Eh, it was fine!_

(8:05) I’m not interrupting you with the retelling of my escapades, am I

(8:06) _Oh, GOD no._

(8:07) _I am at a football game, and you texting me at least assures I won’t die of boredom._

(8:08) _Hypothermia is still on the table though._

(8:09) Perhaps I’m missing the obvious answer to this, but why are you at a football game if you don’t like football

(8:10) _My best friend dragged me along to help her perve on a cheerleader._

(8:11) _She’s sitting here staring unabashedly, mostly catatonic and absolutely drooling._

(8:12) Hot

(8:13) _Yeah, dunno why Olivia & Her Wondrous Ass aren’t swooning at her feet._

(8:14) _At least I’ve gotten a hot dog out of it, and yes I mean that literally._

(8:15) Aw c’mon now, don’t suck the fun out of it for me

(8:16) _We’ve reached our quota of dick jokes for October._

(8:17) WHU ?!?!

(8:18) NO

(8:19) I have lost all your previous zingers, I request a replay

(8:20) !!

(8:21) _I /could/ just screencap them for you._

(8:22) Not the same, not the same

(8:23) Pretty please with a cherry on top

(8:24) You did say you were bored, and I am absolutely lacking now

(8:25) _I think you’re absolutely lacking most of the time._

(8:26) You witty person of wit you

(8:27) _FINE._

(8:28) _You owe me something that I will decide on at a later date._

(8:29) Done deal, ma’am

(8:30) HIT ME

(8:31) _Don’t I ever wish I could._

(8:32) :D

(8:33) _What did the penis say to the vagina?_

(8:34) Idk what

(8:35) _”Don’t make me cum in there!”_

(8:36) LOL that’s awful

(8:37) _Well I already told you all my best ones._

(8:38) Have you heard the joke about MY penis?

(8:39) _... No? I feel like this is a trap._

(8:40) Eh, I won’t tell you, it’s too long

(8:41) _*rolls eyes*_

(8:42) _Who was the world’s first carpenter?_

(8:43) Do tell

(8:44) _Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand._

(8:45) Oh god

(8:46) What did the O say to the Q ??

(8:47) _I don’t know, what?_

(8:48) “Dude, your dick’s hanging out!!!”

(8:49) _I realize that I’m talking about the standard of our dick jokes here, but seriously, our quality is deteriorating…!_

(8:50) _Um_

(8:51) _How many parrots can you fit down a man’s pants?_

(8:52) Something I’ve wondered many a time afore

(8:53) _Depends on the length of the perch._

(8:54) Oh jesus

(8:55) K, uh

(8:56) What do you call a dude who cries while he masturbates?

(8:57) _”Edward Elric”._

(8:58) HURR HURR HURR

(8:59) A TEARJERKER

(9:01) _I bet you can hear me groaning all the way from here._

(9:02) _That was absolutely awful._

(9:03) Bet you’re smiling too, though

(9:04) _You can’t prove anything._

(9:05) _What does 69 equal?_

(9:10) Am I ignoring that that’s not actually an equation ??

(9:11) _Yes._

(9:12) K, idk, what

(9:13) _A couple of mouthfuls._

(9:14) BRB DYING

(9:15) _HOW. WHY. It’s not even FUNNY._

(9:16) And somehow that makes it all the fucking funnier, holy God

(9:17) Okay okay, we have to stop this train wreck

(9:18) Last one, I promise

(9:19) Why do guys name their dicks?

(9:20) _I feel like it’s dangerous to even acknowledge that._

(9:21) _But why?_

(9:22) They like to be on a first name basis with the one making all the decisions.

(9:23) _*facepalm*_

(9:24) :DDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!

(9:25) _On that amazing note…_

(9:26) _My friend is asking for my assistance in approaching her cheerleader. She’s already paid me (hot dog), so I must acquiesce._

(9:27) Tragedy!

(9:28) I think I’ll go torture my brother with these terrible, horrible jokes

(9:29) Good luck with the wooing, Gearhead

(9:30) _Thanks._

***

(11:20) _Hey Ed, you still up?_

(11:22) Not for long, but yeah. Why ??

(11:23) Everything okay

(11:24) _Um. Yeah. Just._

(11:25) _My name is Winry._

(11:26) _Not that I mind you calling me Gearhead or anything, but uh._

(11:27) _Yeah._

(11:29) Wow. Wow, thanks

(11:30) _Yeah. Have a good sleep, Ed._

(11:31) You too, Winry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really have nothing against Rose as a character, just needed a name to fill a trope.


	5. Facebook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse

Saturday Morning, October 18th

(6:57) _Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!_

(6:59) _Paaaaaaaaaninya!!_

(7:02) _PANINYA._

(7:04) _Poke._

(7:05) _Poke, poke, poke, poke._

(7:06) _Poke! POKE!_

(7:08) _PAA-NIIIIN-YAAAAAAAAAAAA._

(7:10) _WAKE UP GOD DAMMIT I NEED ASSISTANCE._

(7:11) _Askjfsdkjghlaugsdfjblajgl._

(7:13) what the actual fuck

(7:14) i am going to murder you

(7:15) _PANINYA!!!! Good morning!!!_

(7:16) you’re a fucking sadist, holy toledo

(7:17) you better be dying somewhere

(7:18) _Mostly, though it’s an emotional death._

(7:19) ffs

(7:18) why are you emotionally dying, soon to be murdered ex-bff

(7:19) _I found out his whole name._

(7:20) _I told him my first name._

(7:21) _And now I am Facebook stalking him._

(7:23) i can’t even articulate a response to that

(7:24) just, why

(7:25) why this, why me, why NOW

(7:26) _I don’t knoooooooow._

(7:27) his nutjob lady friend threatens to beat yo ass, and you decide that that’s the jumping off point for telling him your real name, seriously ???????

(7:28) like

(7:29) _I KNOW._

(7:30) tell me he’s at least good-looking

(7:31) let me comfort myself with the knowledge that the soon-to-be cause of your tragic disappearance is hot as fuck

(7:32) _I don’t know!!_

(7:33) has your temporary insanity also made you blind

(7:34) or is he sinfully ugly and so now you’re ashamed of yourself

(7:35) _No!!_

(7:36) _His profile picture is of him from the back, and the rest of his photos are locked._

(7:37) _He’s blond? Not like me blond, a darker blond._

(7:38) _He’s got broad shoulders?_

(7:39) _I googled him too and found a few newspaper clippings and stuff from things with his school, but I can’t tell anyone from anything, they’re all blurry… In one he’s doing training exercises in the background, and there’s clippings without pictures._

(7:40) _He’s a science prodigy, I guess?_

(7:42) why am i awake for this

(7:43) _Because I’m freaking out!! He’s a real person!_

(7:44) well of course he’s a real person, you g-dang loser

(7:45) what’d you think, you were texting a snarky, dildo-throwing ghost, like

(7:45) what’s his name

(7:47) _Edward Elric._

(7:48) _His cover photo is a Jim Morrison quote._

(7:49) which one

(7:51) _”Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.”_

(7:53) well at least it’s not song lyrics

(7:45) what’s YOUR profile picture and/or what’s not private

(7:46) i get a feeling winry’s not a super popular name

(7:47) he’ll be able to track you down too

(7:49) _Shit, shit, shit._

(7:50) _Oh fuck-a-doodle-do._

(7:51) why are you losing your mind over this dude

(7:52) is there a picture of his foot-long dong on facebook or something

(7:55) _Ew, Paninya, don’t be gross._

(7:57) i reserve the right to be whatever the hell i like

(7:58) you woke me up at seven fucking o’clock on a saturday morning to text-flail about the back of your quasi-asshole crush’s head

(8:00) _Okay, okay, I changed my settings. I made my profile picture one of Den, and my cover photo is Calvin and Hobbes._

(8:01) which one

(8:02) 

(8:04) nice

(8:05) well crisis averted, hopefully

(8:06) you still spazzing over there

(8:08) _Yeesssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!_

(8:09) _I feel robbed! Now I want to know what he looks like!_

(8:10) ask him to text a pic or something

(8:11) like, is this not the age of accessibility

(8:12) _Oh, God, I couldn’t do that!_

(8:13) _We hardly know one another!_

(8:15) you have to know how ridiculous that sounds

(8:16) traditionally people meet FIRST then have soulful conversations about dicks

(8:17) technology is ruining romance

(8:19) _This isn’t romance!!!_

(8:20) sure it isn’t

(8:21) you owe me starbucks, and a fucking cookie

(8:22) least if you expect me to humor your insanity for the rest of today

(8:24) _Will you come to the market?_

(8:25) for two cookies, yes

(8:26) _Be there in fifteen._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Saturday Morning, October 18th

(8:45) Her name is Winry

(8:46) **Who, Gearhead?**

(8:47) Yeah

(8:48) I think I found her on FB

(8:49) “Winry Rockbell”

(8:50) The only Winry I could find locally, anyhow

(8:51) Looks like she goes to the school by the mall

(8:52) **St. Leto Secondary?**

(8:54) Yeah

(8:55) **What does she look like, brother?**

(8:56) She’s… pretty fucking spectacular

(8:57) There’s nothing on her profile page, she’s got it all private, and her profile picture is of a three-legged dog (???) cover photo is a comic (calvin and hobbes!)

(8:58) But I’d narrowed down the sponsoring businesses for that pumpkin contest, and one of them is Rockbell Metal Works, which is owned by Pinako Rockbell

(8:59) Who has a profile picture of her with someone who I can only hope is Winry

(9:00) **I’ve got my laptop open, I’ll have a look.**

(9:02) **Wow.**

(9:03) **Like. /Wow/.**

(9:04) She’d probably take one look at my scrawny ass and run for the hills

(9:06) She’s a 10 and I’m like a 2.5, man

(9:08) **Don’t sell yourself short, brother. (And no, that is not a jab at your height, Ed!)**

(9:09) **Lots of girls like you!**

(9:10) **Rose might’ve… gone a little overboard, but she’s certainly pretty.**

(9:12) She’s got nothing on Winry, though

(9:13) Her FACE has got nothing on Winry’s BOOBS, never mind straight across comparisons, like, holy hell

(9:14) UGH why did I do this

(9:15) **Because you were understandably curious.**

(9:16) **Anyone else would’ve done the same thing; I’m sure that she’s probably trying to Facebook stalk you, too. She’ll probably find it more challenging than you did though; Edward is a pretty common name.**

(9:17) Iiiiiiiiiiiii may have told her my surname by accident

(9:18) **...**

(9:20) **How do you share your name with a stranger accidentally, Ed? No, no, scratch that; how did YOU manage it /twice/?**

(9:21) I was telling her about Hawkeye giving Rose and I shit, and just quoted her "mr elric la la la"

(9:22) Like a dumbass

(9:23) **You should just go ahead and friend request her, then.**

(9:24) WHAT why !!!!?!?!?!?

(9:25) **What difference does it make at this point?**

(9:26) She didn’t tell me HER surname, remember!?!

(9:27) That would pretty much SCREAM creepy stalker

(9:28) **Mmm.**

(9:29) **I guess so.**

(9:30) Bleeeeeeeeegh

(9:31) **Do you have your Facebook settings private as well?**

(9:32) Well yeah, don’t you

(9:33) **I think so? I don’t know. Does it do it automatically?**

(9:34) Al, it’s the internet

(9:35) **Huh.**

(9:36) **Well I think I’ll make my profile picture that one of us from poker night in the summer… You know, the one where we have our names taped on our faces?**

(9:37) Nooooooooooooooooo !!!

(9:38) **Mmm!**

(9:39) **If you get to oogle her, the least I can do is make sure she can see a picture of your drunk, labelled face.**

(9:40) Aw c’mon if you’re going to be a dick, pick a better fucking picture than that

(9:41) **Your profile picture is of the back of your head, brother. She could make a guess, but she wouldn’t know for sure in any other picture which one of us is which.**

(9:42) **You could always change your OWN profile picture.**

(9:44) Fuck no

(9:45) I look like a troll in everything I’m tagged in

(9:47) **The one of you from Ling’s birthday is okay! You don’t look super murderous, just a little… sly? And I mean really, brother, those are pretty much your two perpetual states of being.**

(9:48) Ha! That was just after I put the food coloring in his shots

(9:49) He had a purple mouth for daaaaaaaaaaays!

(9:50) Seriously, though, she’s going to think I look like a shit disturbing little asshole

(9:51) **Shall I point out the obvious there, or…?**

(9:52) Shut up

(9:53) **Also, she HAS been talking to you, you know; she does know something of what you’re like. It’d probably be pretty discrepant for her to see a picture of you smiling all preppy-like or something versus looking like how you actually are.**

(9:54) So my choices are ‘drunk idiot with name taped to forehead’ or ‘maniacal but sober’

(9:54) ??

(9:56) **Yep, pretty much!**

(9:57) Fuck this and fuck you

(9:58) Fine

(9:59) I’ll change mine

(10:00) **Good! I really think you picked the lesser of two evils.**

(10:01) Oh hooooooray

(10:02) Asjdlfghpsut I want to text her but I know I’m going to be all weird and shit

(10:03) I don’t want to make this weeeeeeeeeeeird

(10:04) **It’s been weird from the start, brother.**

(10:05) **You ARE mooning after someone you’ve only texted.**

(10:06) I’m NOT mooning

(10:07) **No, of course not. You’re also an upstanding role model who is absolutely NOT planning to coat a teacher in glitter and pumpkin guts at a very public event, and for no real reason.**

(10:08) Fuck you and the horse you rode in on

(10:09) **So you keep saying.**

(10:10) **Just text her, you big baby. It’ll be fine!  
**   
  
***  
  
  
Saturday Morning, October 18th

(9:45) _WHERE DID YOU GO_

(9:47) jesus christ, win, you’re a big ball of emergency today

(9:48) i ran into tony while i was getting cider, i’ll be back in a minute

(9:49) _I HAVE BEEN SHAMELESSLY REFRESHING HIS FB PAGE AND HE CHANGED HIS PROFILE PICTURE HOLY GOD HOLY GOD_

(9:51) oh for

(9:53) well is he a demigod or a fucking toe

(9:54) _GET OVER HERE AND SEE FOR YOURSELF_  
  
  
***  
  
  
Saturday Morning, October 18th

(10:15) Morning, Winry

(10:17) _Hi!_

(10:18) _How’s it going?_

(10:19) Pretty good

(10:20) How’d the rest of the football game go

(10:21) Did your friend nail her cheerleader

(10:22) _No, no luck there._

(10:23) _Got herself a smile, though, for complimenting her moves._

(10:24) Well that’s something

(10:25) _asidfhp iaoehphg jk_

(10:26) Uh

(10:27) _HI ED_

(10:28) Hi ??

(10:30) _this is winry’s friend paninya and i am currently running away from her as fast as i can manage while typing at the same time_

(10:32) _just, being the great friend that i am, i consider it my duty to tell you that we were fb stalking you this morning_

(10:32) _and that win thinks you’re like, super hot, so_

(10:33) Oh god

(10:34) _at least if i die today i’ll do it having done her a solid while paying her back simultaneously_

(10:35) _she woke me at 7 FUCKING AM to swoon about you, you debonair asshole you_

(10:36) _ABANDONING SHIP, GOOD LUCK GETTIN’ IN HER PANTS_

(10:37) Sweet, merciful, baby jesus

(10:41) _OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY!!!!_

(10:42) _This is Winry, and oh my GOD I am so mortified; Ed I am so sorry!!!_

(10:44) Uh

(10:45) I really don’t

(10:46) I mean, if it’s any consolation to you, I’m so red I think my face is about to melt off

(10:47) _Oh God, oh God, oh God._

(10:48) _!!!_

(10:49) _She just ripped it out of my hands and RAN and of course she does track and field the little shit!! She completely evaded me and then left my phone with my granny and now has just LEFT the fucking MARKET UGH_

(10:50) Hey, seriously, it’s okay

(10:51) Don’t worry about it

(10:52) It’s tit for tat really

(10:53) _What, why?_

(10:54) _Like, yeah, I woke her up, but I don’t think that merits kidnapping my phone and spreading around my… you know. Stuff. Like confetti in a stupid breeze._

(10:55) Oh, no, I don’t mean tit for tat for her

(10:56) You should definitely smack her around

(10:57) I mean tit for tat because, uh, well

(10:58) I may or may not have FB stalked you too?

(10:59) _OH_

(11:01) And, I mean, your photo doesn’t tell me much, but

(11:02) (Please don’t think I’m a creep for what I’m about to tell you)

(11:03) I had narrowed down the sponsors for your contest to what I thought might be your family business and so once ‘Winry’ brought up ‘Rockbell’ well

(11:04) You’re in your grandma’s profile pic

(11:05) Fuck this is not at all how I imagined this going

(11:07) You’re really cute

(11:09) _Have I stumbled into some sort of alternate reality?_

(11:10) I dunno

(11:11) Maybe we’re both having super lucid fever dreams??

(11:13) _Um_

(11:14) _This is terribly timed, but I have to go._

(11:15) _I’m doing the contest tour with Granny and just._

(11:16) _I’m sorry!!_

(11:17) Don’t worry about it, seriously

(11:18) And look, uh

(11:19) Like, I’m sure we would’ve gotten to this without your friend running interference so

(11:20) This doesn’t have to be a big deal, right

(11:22) I mean, we’ve known each other for just like, a week, and only through text

(11:24) _So. So. What now, then?_

(11:25) Lets take a breather, maybe, and then just talk again

(11:25) ??

(11:26) Just normal convo talk, I mean

(11:27) Not necessarily about how we’re both apparently so damn sexy we should take over the world maybe

(11:28) _Lol._

(11:29) _Okay._

(11:30) _I think that’s a good idea._

(11:31) _I’ll talk to you later, Ed._

(11:32) Have a good one, Winry

***

(11:34) _YOU ARE A DEAD LADY_

(11:35) you’re welcome!!!

***

(11:37) Where are you

(11:38) **In the library. Why?**

(11:39) I have to show you something  
  
  
***  
  
  
Saturday Evening, October 18th

(8:15) _So I think it’s time we move on from dick-centric jokes._

(8:16) _My repertoire is a little more well-rounded than that._

(8:17) Oooh !!

(8:18) I’m game

(8:20) _What do you call a cheap circumcision?_

(8:21) I dunno, what

(8:22) _A rip-off._

(8:23) HA

(8:25) What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name ??

(8:26) _Something terrible, I’m sure._

(8:27) You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough

(8:28) _OMG_

(8:29) _That’s terrible!!_

(8:30) _So is this, though:_

(8:31) _Did you hear about the cannibals who made a bunch of businessmen into chili?_

(8:32) No, can’t say that I did

(8:33) _Yeah. I guess they liked seasoned professionals._

(8:34) …

(8:35) I can’t even laugh

(8:36) That’s just

(8:37) That is the purest form of terrible, right there

(8:38) Okay

(8:39) What’s 72?

(8:40) _A number…?_

(8:41) A 69 with three people watching

(8:42) _Heh!_

(8:43) _What gets longer when pulled, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?_

(8:44) A loaded question if I ever saw one

(8:45) _The answer is: A seatbelt!_

(8:47) …

(8:48) WELL NATURALLY

(8:49) What’s the difference between erotic and kinky

(8:50) _I’m sure you’re going to tell me._

(8:51) Erotic is using a feather … kinky is using the whole chicken

(8:52) _Oh. My. God._

(8:53) _Worst. Porno. Ever._

(8:54) Hahahaha ahah!

(8:55) _I’m not sure I can top that, but I’ll sure try._

(8:57) _How fast can you guess these words?_  
1\. _ _ _ k  
2\. _ _ndom  
3\. d_ck

(8:59) I’m going to regret this: fuck, condom, dick

(9:00) _WRONG-O, put that dirty mind away!_

(9:01) _The answers are: book, random, and duck._

(9:02) Cheater

(9:03) _How dare you!_

(9:04) _You’re just jealous of my virtue._

(9:05) Oh, yeah, natch

(9:06) What do you call two jalapenos having sex ??

(9:07) _Ignoring their obvious inability to do so??_

(9:09) “Fucking hot”

(9:10) _Oh GOD_

(9:11) _That’s it!_

(9:12) _Game over!!_

(9:13) _We went from dick jokes, to dirty jokes, skipped decent jokes completely and ended up smack in the middle of the worst._

(9:14) Your idea, Queen of Dick Jokes

(9:15) _I’m woman enough to admit that it was obviously a bad one._

(9:16) You’re a bigger person than I

(9:17) I should probably go to bed

(9:18) I have duty in the morning, which means I’m up at an ungodly hour for a stupid and unnecessary sequence of actions

(9:19) _You should write the brochures for your school._

(9:20) Ah, if only

(9:23) “The food is practically picturesque, I’d compare it to a toddler drawing all over the walls with crayon; in fact much of it TASTES like melted crayon” / “The uniforms are itchy and heavy and so you will keep physically active and sweat out the pounds simultaneously” / “The guns for rifle training are older than Noah; like I think he actually built them on the ark” / “But hey, at least your commanding officer has an eyepatch so you can pretend to be a pirate!!”

(9:24) _The stuff dreams are made of._

(9:25) _You can keep them though._

(9:26) Ed Elric, ballin’, aw yeah

(9:27) _Hahaha!_

(9:28) _Bed at 9:30 on a Saturday, you party animal, you._

(9:29) _Though I can’t say much; I’ll probably read for a bit, then be asleep in an hour._

(9:30) I think we are demonstrating the antithesis of that ‘teenagedom’ you were talking about the other day

(9:31) _I’m okay with that if you are._

(9:32) Hell yeah

(9:33) Didn’t you say once that what’s badass is open to interpretation

(9:34) I officially deem badass to be going to bed at the same time as old people, telling absolutely awful jokes just because, and reading before bed (because I do it to)

(9:35) *mic drop*

(9:36) We are officially the coolest

(9:37) _Suck on that, everybody else._

(9:38) _I should make us badges._

(9:39) I’d wear it like a medal

(9:40) Seriously though, Al’s started throwing shoes at me to turn off my phone and go to sleep

(9:41) Talk to you tomorrow?

(9:42) _Yeah, sounds good._

(9:43) _Good night, Edward._

(9:44) Night, Winry

(9:45) Sleep tight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I'm sorry for the continuing parade of terrible jokes, but I'm really not. They sustain me. :D <3


	6. Q & A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry

Sunday Afternoon, October 19th

(1:03) _Are you relieved from your duties yet?_

(1:05) Oh, yeah, hours ago

(1:06) Studying-ish

(1:07) _Want me to leave you to it?_

(1:08) Nah

(1:08) I’m not making progress and it’s just pissing me off, so

(1:09) I could use a break

(1:10) What are you up to?

(1:11) _Nothing, honestly. Was thinking about reading, but eh._

(1:12) _Thanks for adding me back on Facebook._

(1:13) Oh

(1:14) Yeah, no prob

(1:14) Thanks for requesting it in the first place, I guess

(1:15) Al was trying to tell me to do it before, but I thought maybe it’d be too weird

(1:16) _I think it’s still a little weird._

(1:17) _Just… maybe we’ve been making it weirder than it needs to be._

(1:18) Probably

(1:19) _I think some of it is just, you know, that we don’t know a whole lot about one another._

(1:20) _Outside of our mutual appreciation for terrible jokes, obviously._

(1:21) Ha, yeah

(1:22) _Well. What if we just… asked one another questions?_

(1:23) Like, just… aspirations, political leanings, favorite breed of cat ??

(1:24) _Sure, I guess. Whatever comes to mind._

(1:25) _Reserving the right not to divulge things we don’t want to?_

(1:26) Yeah

(1:27) Or maybe answer another time, depending

(1:28) _That’s fair._

(1:29) You want to start

(1:30) _Okay. Um. This is probably lame, but:_

(1:31) _What’s your favorite color?_

(1:32) Red. Yours?

(1:33) _Orange._

(1:34) I should’ve guessed, with the pumpkin love

(1:35) _Oh, shush, that’s a coincidence._

(1:36) _What kind of shoes do you wear?_

(1:37) Uh

(1:38) Well you know, polished, black, and fucking uncomfortable is what passes for fashion in military school

(1:39) I go for red and ratty in my downtime, thank you Chuck Taylor

(1:40) _You’ve only got two pairs of shoes?_

(1:41) Well no, but do you really want me to catalog it ALL for you

(1:42) I’ve got like, fancy pants and sporty and whatever too

(1:43) And seasonal

(1:44) And I steal Al’s when I’m too lazy to do up laces

(1:45) He’s got vans with robots on them

(1:46) _Okay, okay._

(1:47) What about you

(1:48) _Like, eighteen times as many pairs as that_

(1:49) _Though I pretty much live in my boots. They’re just plain. Brown. I replaced the laces with orange ones with little, yellow VW Beetles on them._

(1:50) Beetles

(1:51) _I own a yellow Beetle._

(1:52) Actually ?

(1:53) _Yup! It’s a 1984 two-door saloon. I restored it myself!_

(1:54) Like, a Once Upon a Time yellow beetle, actually

(1:55) _Do you watch that show!?! I love OUAT!_

(1:56) You can’t prove anything

(1:57) _Pfft, whatever! It’s AMAZING._

(1:58) _My Bug’s not like Emma’s though, she drives a 1972 Super Beetle._

(1:58) _This is my baby:_

(1:59) 

(2:00) Huh.

(2:01) Well you’re a step up on me, I don’t drive anything

(2:02) _Do you have your license??_

(2:03) Barely, but yeah

(2:04) The instructor told me I was “unsettled and contentious”, and that he did not enjoy driving with me, but as I had done nothing /explicitly/ wrong he could not fail me

(2:05) _Remind me never to let you drive my car._

(2:06) He’s exaggerating!!

(2:07) I’m not Safety Stan or anything, but I mean, I’m not Ling either

(2:08) He’s totaled 3 cars since getting HIS license, and AT LEAST one of those was on purpose

(2:09) _What on earth kind of friends do you have?_

(2:10) He’s just trying to piss off his dad

(2:11) _Are the two of you in a club or something?_

(2:12) I don’t have to try that hard to piss off my old man

(2:13) Though ‘piss off’ is strong terminology, he just frowns a lot, and /tchs/, and rhymes off fucked up, mangled platitudes in an attempt to be something resembling parental

(2:14) Ling’s dad’s a senator

(2:15) And, amazingly, a bigger dick than mine

(2:16) _Huh._

(2:17) _Can I ask more about your family, or…?_

(2:18) There’s not much to tell

(2:19) Dad was abroad doing research for like, six years

(2:20) Mom died

(2:21) He had to come home and pretend to be a parent again

(2;22) So he put Al and I in military school

(2:23) Dad of the Fucking Year

(2:24) _I’m sorry. I can relate. Not to military school, obviously, but yeah._

(2:25) Don’t be sorry. It happened a long time ago and it is what it is

(2:26) _What was your dad researching?_

(2:27) Idk, alternative cures for cancer, the average diameter of a monkey’s ass, who knows

(2:28) He won’t say shit about it

(2:29) _What’s he doing now?_

(2:30) He’s a professor at Xerxes Polytechnic University

(2:31) _What does he teach?_

(2:32) Chemistry

(2:32) Terribly

(2:33) Look up Van Hohenheim on rate my professor, they all think he’s a boring, pretentious windbag

(2:33) (and he is)

(2:34) _I may have googled you, so well as FB stalked you._

(2:35) Well that’s like par for the course of meeting people in the social media age, so

(2:36) I assume you had a point there, though

(2:37) _I take it his prowess in chemistry was hereditary?_

(2:38) Yeah, I guess ?

(2:39) _”Amestris Royal Student Selected as Finalist in Intel International Science & Engineering Fair”_

(2:40) _That’s… absolutely amazing, Ed!_

(2:41) Oh

(2:41) Well, thanks

(2:42) They printed stuff about that ??

(2:43) _Yeah, in the city paper._

(2:44) _What’s your project about?_

(2:45) Eeeeeeeeeeh, I guess it’s classified under theoretical chemistry

(2:46) It’s probably pretty boring

(2:47) _Try me._

(2:49) Okay

(2:49) Basically

(2:50) It’s about medieval alchemy and the philosopher’s stone

(2:51) Discerning fact and myth, I guess; how exoteric alchemy became pseudo/proto science and how that helped chemistry to evolve as a discipline

(2:52) How the ‘quest’ for the stone carried into the 18th century, why doctors and scientists continued to ‘search’ for it even while dismissing alchemy’s renaissanic divergence into Paracelsian iatrochemistry and… I dunno, the growth of spiritual alchemic beliefs, I had a term for it but I can’t remember it

(2:54) _That sounds… really cool._

(2:55) _But it also sounds more like historical research than scientific._

(2:56) Oh, well I made a stone

(2:57) Or well, stone(s), plural, they’re like capsules

(2:58) I mean, obviously they don’t grant you immortality or anything

(2:59) But I used cheminformatics to do it, combining appropriate properties to achieve the idea

(3:00) A big part of cheminformatics is pharmaceutical companies using computers to build new drugs, so I created my own system

(2:50) _Um. Wow!_

(3:01) Heh, well, I mean, it’s nothing close to perfect or anything, it’s more or less a methodology that I’ve programmed into a shit computer system. And my ‘philosopher’s stones’ are like… super multi-vitamins but

(3:03) The idea is that if you can dream it you can do it, so like, cures for diseases, whatever, theoretically it’s totally possible

(3:04) I picked something fantastical and Not Real but definitely attention grabbing

(3:05) I also think that a basis of understanding of everything modern chemistry evolved from is important, and that alchemy is part of that, both the fantasy and reality; people forget that facts aren’t facts until they’re facts, so

(3:06) _When do you go?_

(3:07) May

(3:08) I’ve been working on this for three years

(3:09) I’m hoping I might win something or other, even if it’s just like, here’s a prize for not being a total idiot or something

(3:10) I just really don’t want to go to my dad’s school, and I don’t want him paying for me going anywhere else

(3:11) I want to do it on my own terms

(3:12) _That’s admirable._

(3:13) _I can’t claim to know much about international science fairs, but your project seems pretty impressive to me._

(3:14) Oh man, it’s a big nerd fest

(3:15) It’s going to be totally awesome, though

(3:16) _I’m excited for you!!_

(3:17) Thanks, Winry

(3:18) How about you, what are your plans for after high school

(3:19) _I dunno, I really don’t. I’ve been toying with the idea of trades, you know, mechanics or something like that, but I also really like the idea of mechanical and/or biomedical engineering._

(3:20) That’s badass

(3:21) _Ha, well. Either way, money is the issue. I’ll probably apply to both, and apply for scholarships, and go with whichever one is more covered off._

(3:22) _(I’m not going to lie, I sort of hope it’s engineering, but a girl’s gotta have a fallback plan.)_

(3:23) I don’t doubt for a minute you’ll do exactly what you want to do

(3:24) _Well. I /do/ have an endgame in mind._

(3:25) What’s that

(3:26) _You can’t get weirded out, because I swear it’s coincidence._

(3:27) Okay ?

(3:28) _My grandma has a hobby of building prosthetic limbs, and she’s been teaching me to do it since I was really little. I’ve read A LOT about biocompatible prostheses and I think that that’s what I would really like to do._

(3:29) Actually??

(3:30) _Yeah._

(3:31) That’s one HELL of a coincidence

(3:32) _I know. As soon as you friended me back and I started snooping, all I could think was ‘he’s going to think I’m completely full of shit’. I couldn’t think of a not completely dick-ish way to ask about it, either._

(3:33) Was that the intent asking me about my shoes (bc no, I don’t need one for the foot that isn’t there, and yes, you CAN just order a single shoe)

(3:34) _Sort of. Plus I was hoping that you didn’t wear, like, those shoes with the roller blades built into them or something._

(3:35) Do they even make those in grown-up sizes (also, style aside, that’s a terrible idea as I would lose control and clothesline myself on a fence or something)

(3:36) _I don’t know. Probably._

(3:37) Anyway, I don’t think I’ve had a person ask me about it yet who wasn’t dick-ish, intentionally or not

(3:38) People trying extra hard NOT to be dick-ish are usually the most dick-ish

(3:39) Not that you’re being dick-ish

(3:40) _Sorry. I really don’t want to pry or make you uncomfortable._

(3:41) It doesn’t weird you out at all?

(3:42) _No. Should it?_

(3:43) _Do you have a canon built into your prosthetic or something? That’d weird me out._

(3:44) HA no but I wish I did

(3:45) That’d be SUCH an effective way to win arguments

(3:46) _Also a surefire way to land yourself a prison cell._

(3:47) MEH

(3:48) I’ll tell you what happened, if you want to know

(3:49) _Only if you want to share it with me._

(3:50) I was 11

(3:51) My brother and I were playing on train tracks like the pair of idiots we are, and he got stuck

(3:52) I got him out at pretty much the last, cliched second

(3:53) Losing one leg to save his whole body seemed like a decent trade-off

(3:54) _Oh, Edward._

(3:55) Yeah, well

(3:56) It doesn’t slow me down

(3:57) _I didn’t say that because I feel sorry for you; you don’t strike me as the sort of person who appreciates pity or even sympathy, and so I won’t insult you with either. I said that because you continue to blow me away. In a very good way._

(3:58) _Text is pretty challenging to properly convey inference through._

(3:59) Oh

(4:00) _Yeah._

(4:01) _I still think you’re an obstinate little shit, though._

(4:02) I thought your phone-stealing friend said YOU thought I was a debonair asshole

(4:03) _Her words, not mine._

(4:04) I think I’ll take debonair asshole. It’s new and exciting; you are not the first and nor will you be the last person to call me an obstinate little shit

(4:05) _I don’t doubt that._

(4:06) _Is your prosthetic carbon fibre?_

(4:07) Carbon fibre reinforced polymer

(4:08) It’s the same style most paralympians wear. So I can still run and jump and etc

(4:09) I do karate and kickboxing too, and just run run

(4:10) _Paninya has the same thing, for both her legs. It’s called Flex-Foot something…?_

(4:11) Flex foot cheetah

(4:12) Which is equal parts ridiculous and awesome

(4:13) She’s really missing both her legs

(4:14) This is a small world

(4:15) _Yeah. She was really little and was crushed in a very bad car accident._

(4:16) Huh

(4:17) I should challenge her to a race some time

(4:18) _She would kick your ass. She actually IS training for the Paralympics._

(4:19) Sweet

(4:20) _Also I would hope (and perhaps I am misreading this, but) you would want to meet ME before challenging Paninya to any races._

(4:25) I would

(4:26) _That took an unusually long time for you to answer._

(4:27) _I didn’t want to be presumptuous or anything, but I thought. Well._

(4:28) _I thought eventually we might want to, I dunno._

(4:29) I wasn’t

(4:30) I do mean it, it’s just

(4:31) This is bizarre, right

(4:32) We’ve been texting back and forth now for like 3½ hours, not to mention the last week

(4:33) I feel like I know more about you than I do about some of my friends

(4:34) _Oh._

(4:35) _Well. It’s odd circumstances, I guess?_

(4:36) _Sometimes stuff happens and you just gotta roll with it?_

(4:37) _I don’t make new personal connections easily. Most of the people I know are massive douche bags._

(4:38) Most people see my leg and treat me like I’m completely incapable, so

(4:39) That’s refreshing, on your end

(4:40) _People are afraid of things they don’t understand._

(4:41) I guess so, yeah

(4:42) I told you about my family, what about yours

(4:43) _Oh. Um._

(4:44) _It’s just me and Granny. My parents died when I was six._

(4:45) _I don’t. I don’t really want to talk about it, if that’s okay._

(4:46) Of course it is.

(4:47) I guess you really do know how it goes, though

(4:48) Sorry I made class-less your mom jokes before

(4:49) _Oh, gosh, don’t be. Words only have as much meaning as you give them. I take stuff like that for what it is._

(4:50) Okay

(4:51) Do you have a favorite joke??

(4:52) _Ha, yes. It’s pretty short and terrible, though:_

(4:53) _Three nuns are sitting in a church pew praying, when a man in a trench coat steps in front of them. He opens his coat and flashes them. Two of the nuns had a stroke, but the third couldn’t reach._

(4:54) Oh jesus christ

(4:55) Oh shit

(4:57) _Lol, I know, right? It’s terrible, but it kills me every time._

(5:04) _Ed?_

(5:06) Sorry!

(5:07) I laughed so loud I got a scolding from the librarian and she kicked me out

(5:08) _Really? Just for laughing?_

(5:09) Well there might have been some amused swearing too

(5:10) That is “inappropriate for someone meant to be a role model to younger students” to use

(5:11) _Role model, eh?_

(5:12) God I hope not actually

(5:13) It’s challenging enough to handle myself some days, never mind an army of mini-mes

(5:14) The world isn’t ready for that much Edward Elric

(5:15) _I doubt the world can handle the amount it already has._

(5:17) I can’t tell if that was a compliment or not

(5:18) _Good. :)_

(5:19) _New question for you:_

(5:20) _What’s your favorite song?_

(5:22) Ugh can we answer this one at the same time

(5:22) ??

(5:23) Because you’re going to make fun of me, so hopefully I can return in kind

(5:24) _Oh, probably. I doubt you’ll top me, but I’m down._

(5:25) Strong Enough to Break by Hanson

(5:26) _If Only by Hanson._

(5:27) _OH MY GOD ACTUALLY_

(5:28) There is no way this is not bullshit

(5:29) _!!!!!! ACTUALLY EDWARD_

(5:30) _NO BULLSHIT_

(5:31) You’re into Hanson

(5:32) _/YOU’RE/ INTO HANSON!?!?!_

(5:33) Are you dying over there ??

(5:34) Like, I’m actually getting concerned, that’s a lot of capslock

(5:35) _Granny says my squeal broke the sound barrier!!_

(5:36) I expected completely merciless teasing, not like

(5:37) This is too

(5:38) Is this real life

(5:39) You’re sure you’re not fucking with me

(5:40) _I could ask the same of you!_

(5:41) There was no hint of Hanson on your FB

(5:42) _No Hanson on yours, either! So. This is a somewhat unfathomable, highly improbable, and definitely random coinkydink. BUT GENUINE._

(5:43) _My old babysitter introduced me to them! She was crazy into them from, like, their original heyday on._

(5:34) I just stumbled on them

(5:35) Youtube suggested I’d like Thinkin’ Bout Something

(5:36) It was right

(5:37) _This is amazing, seriously. I don’t know any other fans my own age._

(5:38) _Paninya calls them the children of the corn._

(5:39) _Have you gone to a show??_

(5:40) No, they’re never close enough

(5:41) Not to mention nobody’d go with me

(5:42) I could probably bribe Al into it, but he’d whine the whole time

(5:43) He’s into all this techno shit

(5:44) Have you

(5:44) _No. :( But someday! Oh, /someday/._

(5:45) Yeah, I hear they’re amazing live

(5:46) I’ve watched some videos but I’m sure they don’t do them justice

(5:47) _Wobbly, static-y iPhone videos don’t do ANYBODY any justice._

(5:48) _Favorite album of theirs?_

(5:49) Shout it Out, you ?

(5:50) _This Time Around, no question. I really do like Give a Little, though. And the video is adorable._

(5:51) That new Taylor Swift song, her video reminds me of that

(5:52) _I heard she’s a fan too. Homage?_

(5:54) Maybe

(5:55) You ever see their cover of We Are Never Getting Back Together

(5:56) _NO!?!_

(5:57) [www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amav629lQ0s](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amav629lQ0s)

(6:01) _OMG_

(6:02) _That was ADORABLE._

(6:03) I like that they don’t seem to take themselves as seriously anymore

(6:04) Music is always better when musicians embrace who they are

(6:05) Do you play any instruments ?

(6:06) _I did piano lessons when I was little, but I hated it, so I stopped. You?_

(6:07) No, I’m practically tone deaf

(6:08) If I picked up an instrument I’d probably shame it to spontaneous combustion

(6:09) Which humanity would thank it for

(6:10) _’Selfless Guitar Sacrifices Itself for Humankind’_

(6:11) _At this point though I think you’d still be an asset to your school band._

(6:12) _Nails on a chalkboard would be an improvement, honestly._

(6:13) Ouch

(6:14) Are they really that terrible ??

(6:15) I really don’t pay attention to them, except for that one time they did the theme from Legend of Zelda

(6:16) (No, they did not butcher it, but that was the year before last)

(6:17) _Small mercies._

(6:18) _My granny’s exact words: “Does their music program need donating to? I’d pay to get them to stop.”_

(6:19) And here I thought the blue uniforms were the epitome of shame

(6:20) How naive I was

(6:22) _So, I don’t get military school._

(6:23) Well neither do I somedays

(6:24) What specifically don’t you get

(6:25) _You do regular classes, right, like math and english and chemistry?_

(6:26) Yes ??

(6:27) _But you also do shooting and physical training and whatever?_

(6:28) Yeah

(6:29) The military aspect of it more or less for discipline, they’re not trying to groom us for military service or anything; it’s a private boarding school (but we do conference sports)

(6:30) I take marksmanship, I don’t have to

(6:32) I don’t particularly /like/ guns but I take it for the safety and proper handling and whatever; I figure it’s important to have a healthy respect and understanding of something if I’m going to bitch about why the country needs better laws and restrictions for gun ownership

(6:33) I really don’t like talking out my ass

(6:34) _That makes a weird sort of sense._

(6:35) _So when you said before you were debating gun ethics in your English class…?_

(6:36) Random assignment, but one I was prepared for

(6:37) Honestly I think the teacher gave it to me on purpose because she caught me tearing down a couple of freshman bragging about nearly shooting one of their friends when they were trying out for the rifle team

(6:38) _Huh._

(6:39) Athletics is required; you HAVE to do one in fall and winter, and you can elect to take a third in the spring, which I usually do

(6:40) Plus Al and I keep up our own training, we do yoga and martial arts, and run in the mornings

(6:41) But yeah, I do 5K in the fall, and martial arts in the winter and spring

(6:42) _That’s… a lot of physical activity._

(6:44) As our martial arts instructor says, “to train the spirit you must first train the body”

(6:45) She is a terrifying lady and has handed me my ass so many times

(6:46) _Well if you ever find yourself as the protagonist of an anime, you’ll be set._

(6:47) HA here’s hoping NOT

(6:48) So I know that you are obviously not a football fan, but do YOU do any sports

(6:49) _I had to take phys ed freshman year, but thankfully not anymore._

(6:50) _I run with Paninya, that’s really it._

(6:51) _Or, rather, she runs circles around me and I insult her appropriately between gasps for breath._

(6:52) Lol

(6:53) Don’t tell anybody, and especially not my dad

(6:54) But I actually really like my school

(6:55) It’s small and hands on and the teachers have a vested interest in their student’s success

(6:56) And I like that it’s disciplined or whatever

(6:57) It keeps me from getting lazy

(6:58) Uniforms are balls, though, and so’s the fact I have to keep my hair short

(6:59) First thing I’m doing when I graduate is grow it out

(7:01) _You could definitely pull it off._

(7:02) THANK YOU

(7:03) Al thinks that I’m going to look like a greasy hippie

(7:04) _Pfft._

(7:05) I already keep my bangs long, what’s a ponytail going to change

(7:06) _Excluding knots and tangles, probably not a lot._

(7:07) _Mine’s down to my butt. It’s annoying sometimes, but nothing a hair clip or bandanna can’t temporarily fix._

(7:08) Might steer away from hair clips myself

(7:09) _Aw, really? I have some really blinged out ones I could give you!!_

(7:10) I’m not particularly pimpin’

(7:11) Not sure I could pull off bedazzled

(7:12) _Pshaw. Those luscious blonde locks could rock anything._

(7:13) Flattery will get you everywhere

(7:14) _I’ll keep that in mind._

(7:16) _So, you’re a senior?_

(7:17) Yep. You

(7:18) _Yes. I’m seventeen in two weeks. My parents put me in school early._

(7:19) So you didn’t get military school

(7:20) There’s something I don’t get too

(7:21) _What’s that?_

(7:22) How are you (if you actually are) single

(7:23) ??

(7:24) _Oh, well. Um._

(7:25) _I dunno. I think a lot of the boys at my school think Paninya and I are together?_

(7:26) _I’ve been called the Grease Monkey Lesbian more than once._

(7:27) Actually

(7:28) _Eh. They’re all a bunch of dumbos anyway._

(7:29) _Let them think what they like. Half of them couldn’t tell a camshaft from an alternator, and I could take apart their entire car in the time it would take them to Google definitions._

(7:30) I can honestly say that that’s one of the hottest things I’ve ever read

(7:32) _Oh shut up._

(7:33) I’m serious

(7:34) If you ever actually take a dude’s car apart, please snapchat me the results

(7:35) _I’ll make a mental note._

(7:36) _So. Um._

(7:37) _We’ve been texting for six and a half hours._

(7:38) _I don’t think I’ve ever texted another person this much._

(7:39) Yeah, me either

(7:40) It’s good, though, right

(7:41) _I think so, yeah._

(7:43) _We know more about one another now, so, it’s less Two Random Strangers Telling Dick Jokes, and more Friends-ish._

(7:43) Lets not fully write off the dick jokes

(7:44) _Blasphemy._

(7:45) _Every good relationship should be built on them._

(7:46) True story

(7:47) Well

(7:48) I should probably go finish that homework I was doing earlier

(7:49) Maybe we can pick up Q & A again tomorrow ??

(7:51) _Sounds good!_

(7:52) Thanks, for today

(7:53) I really like talking to you

(7:54) _I really like talking to you, too._

(7:55) _Have a good night, Edward._

(7:56) You too, Winry


	7. Mmmbop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- **Bolded Underline** is Ling

Monday Morning, October 20th

(10:04) **Winry Rockbell.**

(10:06) Excuse me

(10:07) **Who is this person, Edward?**

(10:08) **She doesn’t go here.**

(10:09) **You’re Facebook friends, but everything of hers is private, so I cannot snoop. My curiosity has been peaked!**

(10:10) Fuck off, Dickling

(10:11) **Is this your dog-humping adulteress?**

(10:12) Oh for

(10:13) Seriously what makes you think that 1) this is any of your fucking business, or 2) that I’m going to tell you shit about her

(10:14) **Is she who you were texting literally ALL DAY yesterday?**

(10:15) **Four visits I made to the library, and you were in the same spot each time, glued to your phone with an idiotic smile on your face.**

(10:16) **She must be fascinating!**

(10:17) Go jump off the roof

(10:18) **I suppose I /could/ message her. Have you told her about me? Would she recognize my name and engage in conversation if I played the card of Edward’s concerned friend Ling?**

(10:19) You are such a manipulative little asswipe

(10:20) What do you want, Ling

(10:21) **You wound me, Edward.**

(10:22) **Are we not friends? /Good/ friends?**

(10:23) I should put out ads for less shitty ones

(10:24) /she’s/ just a friend, seriously

(10:25) **How did you meet her?**

(10:26) Whhhhhhhy do you caaaaaaare

(10:27) **Because discreetly collecting and storing veritable VATS of pumpkin innards has been /very/ arduous for Lan Fan and I.**

(10:28) **Batting for Team Elric requires considerable patience, you know.**

(10:29) You miserable, entitled douche

(10:30) **Also, I am concerned that Mustang is suspicious of our placid chumminess of late. I really don’t think you’ve verbalized how much of an asshole you believe me to be enough lately. In a public setting, I mean.**

(10:31) Are you trying to give me fuel with the riling

(10:32) Because it’s working, dipshit

(10:33) **Bottle it up and throw it at me in the quad in 45 minutes, Edward. In the meantime, please elaborate on your friend Winry! Perhaps I could offer you some wisdom?**

(10:34) Do you think you’re Jesus, like

(10:34) For fuck’s sake

(10:35) She’s a wrong number I texted the week before last, and we started talking

(10:36) We’ve continued talking

(10:37) THE END

(10:38) **Does she live here in Central? Is she a student? Is she /pretty/??**

(10:39) Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

(10:40) She’s a senior at St. Leto’s, and yes she’s fucking pretty

(10:41) Please don’t start stalking her

(10:42) **I had no intention.**

(10:43) **Have you met her face to face yet?**

(10:44) No

(10:44) And no, I’m not planning on it in the immediate future

(10:45) **Why not!**

(10:46) **If she’s beautiful and you enjoy speaking with her, then what more persuasion do you need? Seize the day!**

(10:47) I feel like you’re trying to get me out of the school

(10:48) And that you’re not being nearly as sneaky about it as you think you’re being

(10:49) Also, seize the day my ass, take your own advice and seize fucking Lan Fan

(10:50) Fucking twit

(10:51) **I told you, save that belligerence for later.**

(10:52) WHY

(10:53) WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING THAT REQUIRES ME TO BE MENTAL

(10:54) **Honestly, Edward.**

(10:55) **I need a diversion in order to relocate the guts to Mustang’s office, and then I need you to be out of the school so as to have an alibi in case Lan Fan is seen. (Yes, she will be disguised, and no, she will not be caught.)**

(10:56) Why couldn’t you just fucking tell me that in the first place

(10:57) Like

(10:58) **We have the heels of your Rose-ocolypse to ride in on.**

(10:59) **The more enraged you are, the better, in my books.**

(11:00) Yeah well in Dickling Land the air is also hot, and snide bullshit grows in bushels by the monument to Fucking Edward Over

(11:01) **And you say that /I’m/ melodramatic.**

(11:02) **It is so, so easy to annoy you.**

(11:03) **I suppose I simply might’ve called you short, but… this is infinitely more entertaining for me.**

(11:04) WHO YOU CALLING AN ITTY BITTY MIDGET YOU HARASSING PIECE OF SHIT

(11:05) YOU WANT ME TO YELL AT YOU IN THE QUAD, I’LL PILE DRIVE YOUR FACE INTO THE FUCKING FOUNTAIN

(11:06) **Charming!**

(11:07) **And after that you can wander over to St. Leto’s and ask Winry to help you defuse all that terrible tension you’ve built up.**

(11:08) ARGH

(11:09) **Does she have nice, big breasts, Edward? I know how much you like those.**

(11:10) FUCK YOU

(11:11) **Sorry, I don’t swing that way.**

(11:12) **She must be quite something, this Winry, if she’s still indulging in conversation with you after more than a week. That or you’ve been on your very best behavior in order to impress her.**

(11:13) **Does she know about your /short/ temper, Edward?**

(11:14) YOU’RE DUE FOR A PRACTICAL DEMONSTRATION YOU FUCKER

(11:15) I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S A HALF-PINT SHRIMP

(11:15) PUMPKIN GUTS BE DAMNED I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU

(11:16) WHERE ARE YOU

(11:17) **Right behind you!**

***

Monday Morning, October 20th

(11:45) **Brother! What the heck just happened?**

(11:46) Ask fucking Ling

(11:27) **Where are you?**

(11:28) On a bus heading toward the mall

(11:29) **Uh. Why?**

(11:30) Distractions, alibis

(11:31) And I’m going to buy a boatload of shaving cream to fill that shitface’s closet with

(11:32) **Did you actually punch him in the face, brother?**

(11:33) Seriously, ask him about it

(11:34) I’ve already got Hawkeye’s fucking detentions, and now I’m going to come back to a lecture and a brand new set thanks to that boneheaded glutton for punishment, and his bright fucking ideas

(11:35) Everybody on the bus is fucking staring at me

(11:36) YEP have a good gawk at the one-legged dude in the uniform, it’s not rude at ALL !!!

(11:37) **Oh, brother.**

(11:38) **Please don’t pick any fights with strangers.**

(11:39) No fucking promises

***

Monday Afternoon, October 20th

(1:05) _Question._

(1:06) Yeah

(1:07) _I just drove by the mall and I /swear/ I saw a bloodied blond kid, in an Amestris Royal uniform, climbing on the number four and glowering like somebody shot his dog._

(1:08) _I don’t suppose that that was you?_

(1:09) Balls

(1:10) Yeah, that was me

(1:11) _Dare I ask…?_

(1:12) Ling needed a distraction for the next phase of the Halloween prank, and instead of getting me to play along he goaded me into starting a fist fight with him, like the asshat he is

(1:13) Then I had to leave for a while, as an alibi for myself

(1:14) _That’s wonderfully convoluted for a Monday._

(1:15) _And the Walgreens bags…?_

(1:16) Full of shaving cream

(1:17) _Hmm._

(1:18) _I’m sure I don’t want to know._

(1:19) It’s payback for the detentions that will undoubtedly be given to me once I’m back up there

(1:20) _I don’t suppose that the fist fight had anything to do with a FB message I received from a Ling Yao 20 minutes ago that says (and I am copying and pasting this): “Hello, Winry! I am Edward’s dear friend Ling! I am messaging you to let you know that he has been very chivaleroustically defensive of your virtue and breasts this morning, and that any stories he has told you about me are likely very exaggerated. I hope to meet you soon (but only after he has, of course)!”_

(1:21) THAT FUCKER

(1:22) _Chivalrous defense of my breasts, hey?_

(1:23) _Are you my Knight in Shining Armor, Ed? I think I’m about to swoon!_

(1:24) Oh GOD

(1:24) I’m sorry he’s such a self-entitled asshole

(1:25) _Ha, don’t worry about it, seriously._

(1:26) _Sounds like he’s got your number, though._

(1:27) Yeah, who needs enemies when you’ve got friends like Ling to push all your buttons and help you make a public spectacle of yourself

(1:28) _You’ll be fine, I’m sure._

(1:29) _I have to go, I’m just grabbing a late lunch._

(1:30) __T_ ry not to murder anyone, will you?_

(1:31) _I don’t think they allow texting in juvenile detention._

(1:32) Yeah, yeah

(1:32) Ttyl  
  
  
***  
  
  
Monday Afternoon, October 20th

(1:50) _I saw Edward._

(1:52) WHAT

(1:53) WHEN

(1:53) WHERE

(1:54) _I left school to go get lunch and saw him at the bus stop in front of the mall._

(1:55) did you stop or wave or beep or flash him

(1:56) _No, no, no and NO!!!_

(1:57) _It was too fast to do anything, he was getting on the bus. I only really noticed because of the uniform._

(1:58) does he live up to the shit-disturbing smirk he’s sporting in his FB photo

(1:59) _He’d just gotten into a fist fight apparently, so he was bleeding, and looked enraged and vengeful, but yeah._

(2:01) _He’s taller than I thought he’d be too, and he actually looks really good in that sinfully blue uniform._

(2:02) jeez

(2:03) that’s a miracle in itself

(2:04) _I never thought I’d be so attracted to someone with resting bitch face._

(2:05) _We literally texted back and forth ALL DAY yesterday. From like 1 to 7 or something._

(2:06) good lord, about what

(2:07) _I dunno. We just asked each other questions. We talked about family, and his leg (you were right, he does have the same prosthetic as yours), and university and stuff like that. OOH you’ll never believe this!! Turns out he’s a HANSON FAN._

(2:08) !!!!

(2:08) there’s no flippin' way !!!!

(2:09) _YUP. Better yet, his favorite is the super poppy stuff._

(2:10) _I nearly exploded with glee!_

(2:11) pfft he probably only said that because he wants in your mmmbop do op

(2:12) _There’s no way he could’ve known, I don’t post about them on FB._

(2:13) huh

(2:13) well

(2:14) the world’s only two hanson fans come together, how serendipitous

(2:15) _Oh shaddup._

(2:16) so are you going to meet him now

(2:17) like, soon, and somewhere where I can observe the proceedings

(2:18) _No, I don’t think so. I dunno._

(2:19) _I think maybe it’s still too weird._

(2:20) _Like. I think we probably will eventually, but. Don’t you think it’s super odd to have met someone by complete accident without /actually/ meeting them?_

(2:21) _To me it feels like a crush on a celebrity or something. I feel involved in the process but I also feel sort of disconnected from it, like it’s not actually reality._

(2:22) just don’t start writing fanfiction about you and him

(2:23) that’d take things from weird to creepy in 1.21 gigawatts

(2:24) ANYWHO just because you two did things ass backward doesn’t mean it’s not reality, it just means that instead of the the normal approach--boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy shows true colors by instigating a dick joke trade-off--you gotta figure out a different way to do things

(2:25) _I guess so._

(2:26) well it’s obvious you’ve got a lady boner for him, like

(2:27) why WOULDN’T you want to act on that

(2:28) especially now that you know he’s not a complete lunatic

(2:29) _What if he’s not actually how he seems??_

(2:30) then he’s a skilled actor

(2:31) one with a screwed up if seemingly effective concept of how to woo

(2:32) you keep building up that celebrity idea and actually meeting him will be totally jarring; he’s a person (and so are you), don’t define him by snappy comebacks and fb bullshit

(2:33) _Stooooooooooop making seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeense!!!_

(2:34) nope

(2:35) why don’t you pick a date or something and just, you know

(2:26) count down. together. like the pair of lust-drunk teenagers you are

(2:27) you can gird your loins and build up your excitement at the same time

(2:28) _That’s not a bad idea._

(2:29) just casually googling on the interwebs here

(2:30) ’date ideas for people who know each other but have never met physically’

(2:31) and etc

(2:32) _Ha, ha._

(2:33) looks like your boy band is playing at the shamballa ballroom on nov 8

(2:34) _!!!_

(2:35) _ACTUALLY_

(2:36) calm your storm, yes

(2:37) you better buy a pair of tickets, so they’re not playing for themselves

(2:38) take your asshole

(2:39) MACK IT UP

(2:40) _That’s actually… a really good idea._

(2:41) _The going, not necessarily /macking/._

(2:42) macking is always a good idea

(2:43) _Neither of us has seen them live, it’s nice and public, and it’s a show, so we won’t have to be all awkward around each other…_

(2:44) though i’m sure you will be anyway, because you’re goobers

(2:45) _Shut up._

(2:46) NEVER

(2:47) i’ll postpone your eulogy for now, i can probably rework parts of it into a great maid of honor speech though

(2:48) _Stop flamboyantly thriving on my atypical (potential) love life._

(2:49) you might as well ask me to stop breathing

(2:50) ”thank you paninya for being a witty voice of reason and solving my sexually repressed problems”

(2:51) _Thank you, Paninya, for never taking things too far or overstepping my personal boundaries._

(2:52) _Oh, no, wait… /NOT/ actually, because you do the opposite of all that._

(2:53) hurr hurr jerk

(2:54) _But thank you actually, though. For your weird but effective way of helping._

(2:55) anytime, sweetcheeks

(2:56) i gotta go, let me know how mr elric responds

(2:57) _You know I will._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Monday Evening, October 20th

(6:08) _I have more questions for you, if you’re up for it._

(6:20) _Guess you’re not free. Text me when/if you become so._

***

(6:45) OH HI

(6:46) _Hi?_

(6:48) Want to know what I have absolutely no patience for

(6:49) _I’m almost afraid to ask._

(6:50) Tutoring freshman in remedial fucking chemistry

(6:51) Which, joy of joys, I get to do from now until Christmas

(6:52) _Oh, God. Why so long?_

(6:54) It was originally supposed to be two weeks, for the whole Rose thing, but then I punched Ling in the mouth

(6:55) School has a “zero tolerance policy for physical violence, Mr Elric, as you well know” and it didn’t help that our little altercation took place in front of a rather large audience

(6:56) _What about Ling?_

(6:57) He has to polish all the trophies and awards with a toothbrush, the shitface

(6:58) _Well that’s lame. Why’s he get off so easy?_

(6:59) Because he’s playing the victim and fucking enjoying himself

(7:00) Don’t worry though, there’s a hell of a lot of awards in this school

(7:01) Pretentious, remember

(7:02) _I suppose._

(7:03) Plus his face is all bruised and I broke his nose. So. That’s pretty gratifying to look at

(7:04) I also get more because I left the school after without actually having leave, so

(7:04) _Oh my gosh, Ed!_

(7:05) _What did he say to you to make you hit him so hard (and not that I approve, Jesus!)?_

(7:06) Doesn’t matter anymore

(7:07) Lan Fan moved the guts, Mustang can’t pin shit on me, all’s well

(7:08) Except for the tutoring

(7:09) Fucking kids are idiots

(7:10) _You’ll survive._

(7:11) _You have to have a pass to leave school?_

(7:12) Technically, yeah

(7:13) You have to sign out and in, so they know where you are, and anything longer than like, 3 hours has to be signed off by a parent

(7:14) For seniors, anyway; less for juniors and freshmen

(7:15) One of the many joys of boarding school

(7:16) Anyhow, you had questions ??

(7:17) _I did! The first one is related to your little jailbreak this afternoon. It’s been bugging me all day._

(7:18) K

(7:19) _Did you just waltz back into school with those bags of shaving cream, or…?_

(7:20) HA no

(7:21) Al and I have a hiding place behind the school dumpsters

(7:22) We leave stuff there and go back for it later

(7:23) _Ah! I was going to say, I thought it would probably look a wee bit suspicious to your teachers to leave after a fist fight and then come back with a year’s supply of shaving cream._

(7:24) Yeah, Al’s gone to get it now, he thinks I’ve put the teachers on edge

(7:25) _Sounds sensible._

(7:26) _Next question. Honestly, this is more of a proposal._

(7:27) Uh. Oh yeah ??

(7:28) _ACK I MEAN, NOT A LIKE, MARRIAGE PROPOSAL_

(7:29) _Just an idea! Potential… thing!_

(7:30) Lmao, you’re adorable

(7:31) _Ugh God, no, I’m an idiot._

(7:32) Bet you’re all flustered and blushing over there

(7:33) _Shut up._

(7:34) See? Adorable

(7:35) _Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!!_

(7:36) :D

(7:37) So what’s your ‘potential… /thing/’?

(7:38) _Um._

(7:39) _Well. Paninya found out today that Hanson is playing at that Shamballa Ballroom on the 8th of November._

(7:40) Seriously!?!

(7:41) They’re coming to Central City, actually ??

(7:42) _Yeah! I confirmed it myself on Ticketmaster. I haven’t bought tickets though, becauuuuuuuuuse, wellllllllll..._

(7:43) _I was thinking that maybe we could go? Together? And. That that’s where we could meet in person?_

(7:45) _Oh gosh, please say something, Ed._

(7:47) You asking me on a date, Winry?

(7:48) _... That depends on whether you’re going to say yes or not._

(7:50) You said your birthday is soon, right

(7:50) ??

(7:51) _Um. Yes. On the 5th._

(7:52) Cool

(7:53) _What the hell, Ed._

(7:55) Happy early Birthday, my dad just bought us Hanson tickets

(7:56) And yeah, I’m into it. Dating. A date. With you

(7:57) _..._

(7:58) _Your /dad/._

(7:59) Yeah

(8:00) Perk of having a relatively absentee parent

(8:01) They want to give you shit to try and make up for it

(8:02) Told him I wanted to take a girl to a show for her birthday, and out came the credit card number

(8:03) Plus he said he’d put extra money in my account so I could “treat [you] well”

(8:04) _Oh. Well._

(8:05) _Please thank him for me, that’s very sweet!_

(8:06) Eh

(8:08) Now he’s asking me questions about you

(8:09) And threatening to call Alphonse if I don’t answer

(8:10) _Hahaha, sounds like he’s got your number too._

(8:11) Nosy old man

(8:12) Fucking Hanson, this is some ballin’, fluky shit

(8:13) But hey, I get two weeks to figure out how not to come across as as big a dick as I usually do

(8:14) _I believe in you._

(8:15) Hahaha, thanks

(8:16) _Seriously, though, I’m excited!_

(8:17) Me too

(8:18) Good idea, on the meeting front

(8:19) _Thank Paninya. She can be sensible at times._

(8:20) Not sure I believe that, but I’ll take your word for it

(8:21) _Haha, I swear she has her moments!_

(8:22) _I should really to go finish up some English homework before bed._

(8:23) _Talk to you later?_

(8:24) Yeah, def

(8:25) I should probably call my dad and tell him to fuck off

(8:26) _Oh, Ed. Don’t be so dramatic._

(8:27) Psh, this is how I roll, Win

(8:28) Can I call you Win

(8:29) _Yes._

(8:30) _Well try and be a little bit nice, for my sake._

(8:31) _Defender as you are of my boobs and virtue._

(8:32) DAMN ya got me there

(8:33) Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

(8:34) _Good._

(8:35) _I’m really glad we’re going to do this, Ed._

(8:36) _Like. It’s still super weird and stuff, but, yeah._

(8:37) I get it

(8:38) I’m glad too; pumped, even

(8:39) Thanks for asking me out, Winry Rockbell

(8:40) _Thanks for saying yes, Edward Elric. :)_

(8:41) _Good night!! Sleep tight!_

(8:42) You too  
  
  
***  
  
  
Monday Evening, October 20th

(8:50) **Is there a reason why Dad is texting me, asking about your girlfriend?**

(8:51) **I was not aware that you had one.**

(8:52) I’m going to call him, the fucking dink

(8:53) Jesus

(8:54) **Mmm.**

(8:55) **That doesn’t answer my question, brother.**

(8:56) I’ll be there in 10 minutes, keep your panties on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for leaving such awesome comments. You make me feel all squishy inside. :)


	8. Assholes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- **Bolded Underline** is Ling  
>  \- _Underlined Italics_ is Lan Fan

Tuesday Morning, October 21st

(6:40) _So. After some unsettling dreams featuring an unhealthy amount of pumpkin guts and shaving cream, I feel the need to clarify a few things._

(6:48) Why no, Winry, that statement was not at /all/ weird to wake up to; it definitely /doesn’t/ read like the premise of one of the top 10 features on a list of the World’s Worst Pornos

(6:47) Good morning to you, too ?

(6:48) _Oh, pick your brain up out of the gutter._

(6:49) _Seriously though, I have to ask: You said that Lan Fan moved the guts… why is she moving them /now/, and to /where/?_

(6:50) _Isn’t your prank at Halloween?_

(6:51) Yeah, we decided that the safest place to store guts was in the ceiling in Mustang’s office

(6:52) It’ll drive him nuts, trying to find the smell with no source to speak of, and he keeps that room like a fucking sauna, so we’re hoping the guts’ll rot a bit, for added effect

(6:53) _Oh my God, that’s gross._

(6:54) Oh, yeah

(6:55) We’ll relocate it all before the party

(6:56) _After all this stuff with Rose and Ling, and your detentions, aren’t you worried about getting caught and getting in more trouble?_

(6:57) Eh, we’re good at what we do

(6:58) The only pranks Al, Ling or I have gotten in trouble for are ones we took ownership of, and that’s usually just to take credit for fucking with one another

(6:59) Like the dildos

(7:00) Ling and I had to write essays about the desensitization of youth/how the world is shaped by pornography for that

(7:01) _That actually sounds mildly interesting._

(7:02) Yeah, they don’t really seem to understand that assigning overachievers research topics isn’t really punishment

(7:03) Esp since half the reason why we fuck around so much is because we’re bored

(7:04) (Or then again, maybe Hawkeye’s cracked the code, what with the tutoring)

(7:05) DID YOU KNOW that Australia has a ban on porn featuring women with small boobs ??

(7:06) OR, better yet, DID YOU KNOW that porn has had huge influence on the digital media? Everyone was pushing for betamax back in the day, but the porn industry started doing majority release on VHS and the rest is history… same goes for DVD and Blu-Ray

(7:07) _Really?_

(7:08) YUP

(7:09) Least popular day of the year to view porn? Thanksgiving. Most popular day of the week? SUNDAY. GO TO CHURCH, HEATHENS, GOD IS WATCHING

(7:10) _Hahahaha, oh my gosh._

(7:11) Go ahead and guess which state has the highest rate of porn watching per capita

(7:12) _Ummmmmm. California?_

(7:13) NOPE

(7:13) FLIPPIN’ UTAH

(7:14) _Bullshit._

(7:16) I kid you not

(7:17) ‘What did you learn in school today, Edward’

(7:18) Well, Dad, I found out that the largest porn network in the world is in CANADA

(7:19) And that the most searched porn term is MILF

(7:20) _That’s a quality education he’s paying for._

(7:21) I know, right

(7:22) Anyhow, like I said, I’m not worried

(7:23) We don’t get caught when it counts

(7:24) _Says the dude who was goaded into a fist fight yesterday._

(7:26) Baaaaaaaaaah whatever

(7:27) Brb, I’m going to shower  
  
  
***  
  
  
(7:45) Back

(7:47) _Hello again._

(7:48) _So the second part of my inquiry…_

(7:49) Something to do with the shaving cream, I presume

(7:50) ??

(7:50) _Yes. What, exactly, are you going to do with it?_

(7:51) Fill up Ling’s closet and then explode a couple of cans under his bed

(7:52) _I usually think that this sort of immature pranking is really stupid, but for some reason I find this all incredibly entertaining._

(7:53) I get it

(7:54) You’re blinded by my ‘super hot[ness]’ and ‘debonair asshole[ishness]’

(7:55) I’m the real, package deal, right

(7:56) _Keep telling yourself that._

(7:57) HEY NOW

(7:58) I seem to recall that YOU asked ME out

(7:59) _Mmmmm._

(8:00) _Are you sure you didn’t hallucinate that after your harrowing, scarring tutoring experience?_

(8:01) I suppose that that would be a reasonable explanation IF I didn’t have a text log backing myself up

(8:02) Is it the fake leg ?? Do you have a thing for pirates

(8:03) Arr

(8:04) _Oh shush. Don’t be a dick._

(8:05) Impossible, my glowing personality is composed of at /least/ 30% dickishness

(8:06) _I think you’re probably low-balling._

(8:05) HEY NOW

(8:07) _Sooooooo 30% Dickishness + 64% Shouting + … 6% Excessive Swearing_

(8:08) _= 100% Edward Elric._

(8:09) Bah

(8:10) _You must spend a lot of time shouting nonsensically._

(8:11) OR perhaps I’m the sensible one and the rest of you are a merry band of assholes

(8:12) _Edward Elric’s Dating Tips (EEDT):_

(8:13) Noooooooooooooo

(8:14) _Tip #1: Call her an asshole!_

(8:15) You are just proving my point

(8:16) _Tip #2: Call her an asshole TWICE!_

(8:17) GAH

(8:18) _Not that I don’t trust your brother’s judgement, but perhaps we should trim back shouting a tad, and squeeze in ‘Putting Foot in Mouth’._

(8:19) _30% Dickishness + 54% Shouting + 10% Putting Foot in Mouth + 6% Excessive Swearing_

(8:20) _= 100% Edward Elric._

(8:21) Welp, there’s my resume

(8:22) _Put that on business cards and hand them out at your science fair._

(8:23) _Put this on the front of them:_

(8:24) 

(8:25) HA

(8:26) I should probably wear that on a shirt, daily, actually

(8:27) _Bystanders beware!_

(8:28) _Speaking of which! Can we go back to the pumpkin guts for a second?_

(8:29) Sure?

(8:30) _Two part question._

(8:31) _One: Where did you get all your pumpkin guts?_

(8:32) _And Two: Will your classmates/other teachers be casualties as well?_

(8:33) Honestly, Ling just went out and bought a shit-ton of pumpkins

(8:34) And he and Lan Fan smashed them all open on the school’s back wall

(8:35) _Huh. Unrefined, but effective._

(8:36) Yeah I think they enjoyed themselves a lot more than they’re letting on; it might’ve been a bit tedious to collect everything, but I’ll bet destroying them was at least mildly satisfying

(8:37) And as for part B, the aim is not to get anyone but Mustang, but we know we’ll probably hit Hawkeye too

(8:38) _And who’s she, again? I assume a teacher, but you throw around names and titles so it’s hard to make connections sometimes._

(8:39) Marksmanship instructor, and Mustang’s shadow

(8:40) We’re all pretty sure they’re bangin’

(8:41) They always dress in ‘couples’ costumes and hang around the refreshment table, Mustang making snide comments at students while Hawkeye rolls her eyes, trying to catch whoever (me) spikes the punch (which they certainly haven’t yet)

(8:42) _Remind me again why you’re targeting Mustang? He’s your biology teacher, right?_

(8:43) Yeah, better in chem, though; he’s my sponsor for that fair thing

(8:44) He only teaches bio because the dude teaching chem has connections and got the job over him; he could go other places but I think he really wants to be the commanding officer here some day. He went here as a kid

(8:45) _Why’s he sponsoring you, and not your chemistry teacher?_

(8:46) Kimblee’s a fucking psychopath

(8:46) Or sociopath, I really can’t decide sometimes

(8:47) I’m not totally convinced he knows he’s teaching, just thinks that kids like to come and watch him kaboom shit. Most of his labs /literally/ involve blowing things up

(8:48) _Well. Is that not even a little entertaining?_

(8:49) Depends on the kind of mood he’s in, and whether or not he’s actually explaining what he’s doing

(8:50) One of these days he’s going to burn the school down

(8:51) Accidentally OR purposefully

(8:52) _On that unsettling note…_

(8:53) _I am even more confused as to why you’re dumping guts on Mustang then, if he’s helping you._

(8:54) He’s a smug jackass who needs to get as good as he tries to give

(8:55) His favorite pastime is Edward Elric Short Jokes

(8:56) _Seems mildly unprofessional for a teacher._

(8:57) Yeah

(8:57) (And for the record I’m 5’8”)

(8:58) _(Duly noted.)_

(8:58) _(I’m 5’6”, for what it’s worth.)_

(8:59) He doesn’t give two shits about biology, either

(9:00) And all the girls at this place seem to think he’s a fucking dreamboat

(9:01) When really he’s just a big, dork-ass dink

(9:02) He’s got a fucking Star Wars poster on the back of his office door

(9:03) AND I have seen him wear a Slytherin tie with a civilian suit on multiple occasions

(9:04) _Sooooo. You dislike him because he’s what you’re going to grow up to be?_

(9:05) JESUS

(9:06) I FUCKING HOPE NOT

(9:07) I’ve got a little more in ambition than wanting to run a private military school

(9:08) Also the idea of me teaching anyone anything is pretty much terrifying

(9:09) For them and for me

(9:10) (Hawkeye thinks she’s punishing me with the tutoring sessions, but it's pretty likely I'm going to snap and rage so hard I pitch a frosh straight out a window)

(9:11) _Drama queen._

(9:12) _So, as far as I can tell, you want to coat him in half-rotted pumpkin guts because he occasionally calls you short._

(9:13) He also wears his hair like it’s 1999 and he’s the lead singer in a boy band

(9:14) _Says the guy who’s into Hanson._

(9:15) JUST BECAUSE I LIKE THEM DOESN’T MEAN I EMULATE THEIR FASHION CHOICES FROM THE LATE FUCKING 90S, LIKE

(9:16) _Whoa, nelly. Tone down the rage caps!_

(9:17) I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT WHAT I AM NOT

(9:18) _Yes, yes, I see that._

(9:19) _Please, forgive my insolence!_

(9:20) Accepted

(9:21) ANYWHO I am mostly doing it because why not

(9:22) Originally it was going to be glitter

(9:23) Pumpkin guts and glitter is more festive, I think

(9:24) _I can’t believe your friends are in on this._

(9:25) They thrive on the challenge of execution

(9:26) Don’t worry, Mustang’s got enough ego for twenty people

(9:27) He makes me look humble

(9:28) He’ll bounce back

(9:29) And speaking of him, time to go to his class

(9:30) I would text straight through it, but it’s test time

(9:31) _In that case, good luck!_

(9:32) Thanks, ttyl  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Morning, October 21st

(10:45) SO

(10:48) _Soooooo… what?_

(10:49) DON’T LEAVE ME HANGIN BRUH

(10:50) DID YOU MAKE YOUR MACK DATE

(10:51) _Shut uuuuuppppp!!!_

(10:52) _We’re going to the show together._

(10:53) _His DAD bought us tickets._

(10:54) now why the fuck did daddy elric do that

(10:55) _Because Ed remembered me mentioning that my birthday was coming up. I asked him to go, and he said the tickets were an early birthday gift._

(10:56) that’s so adorable i think i want to vomit rainbows

(10:57) like, what is this, this doesn’t happen in real life

(10:58) maybe I should figure out olivia’s number and instigate a wrong number texting courtship, because throwing myself at her in face-to-face interactions doesn’t seem to be working

(10:59) _It’s weird, right? It’s totally weird. I feel like him doing that should make me super uncomfortable but instead it makes me squirmy in a happy way and my ears burn._

(11:00) _Like. You saw his asshole face._

(11:01) i did indeed

(11:02) he looks like the sort of person who’s always got a half-baked plan in the works

(11:03) and thinks he’s a genius because of it

(11:04) _Whhhhhhhhhhhy do I find that attractive?_

(11:05) dunno, maybe he cast an asshole love spell

(11:06) maybe royal amestris is actually hogwarts

(11:07) _Being a shit disturber shouldn’t be endearing. I can’t even hide behind unfounded belief in my ability to change him. I /like/ his weird sense of humor and potty mouth and terrible ideas._

(11:08) _Maybe I’m having an aneurysm._

(11:09) they say love is blind

(11:10) your ladybits know better than you what properly gets things going

(11:11) (apparently it’s sassy blond assholes)

(11:12) _Guh._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Afternoon, October 21st

(1:14) **Interesting development on the Edward front.**

(1:15) _Oh?_

(1:17) **Apparently he has met someone by texting her accidentally.**

(1:18) **She goes to the school by the mall.**

(1:19) **I sent her a little facebook message, but she hasn’t responded.**

(1:20) _What are you thinking, exactly?_

(1:21) **I’m not sure yet.**

(1:22) **Alphonse was teasing him today about meeting her.**

(1:23) **I did not garner many details concerning where or when.**

(1:24) _Edward and romance, who knew._

(1:25) **Oh, yes, /so/ romantic. Yesterday I asked him if she was attractive, and his response was ‘Yes, she’s fucking pretty.’ So eloquent. Such a poetic soul!**

(1:26) _Is that how you got him to hit you?_

(1:27) **Well, that, and the usual remarks about his height.**

(1:28) **Really, he’s so predictable.**

(1:29) _So we wait, for now?_

(1:30) **Yes, I think so. If he has an opportunity for a decent relationship, particularly considering this whole Rose debacle, then I have no intention of jeopardizing that for him.**

(1:31) _I still can’t believe she stole his phone and went through it._

(1:32) _I’m partnered with her in chemistry, and every time I look at her I want to sock her in the face._

(1:33) **Edward deserves better.**

(1:34) **But he also deserves vengeance for whipping all those dildos at me.**

(1:35) **Any woman brave enough to take on Edward romantically will certainly have the constitution to handle being caught in the crossfire of his idiocy.**

(1:36) _If she’s willingly taking on Ed as a significant other, I question her sanity and taste in men._

(1:22) _But as long as whatever you come up with has nothing to do with pumpkins, you know I’m in._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Afternoon, October 21st

(3:15) **Brother.**

(3:16) Sup, Al

(3:17) **Why is Dad asking me about Mei?**

(3:18) I dunno. Why’d I have spend most of a conversation with him last night justifying my telling a woman dick jokes?

(3:19) /Possibly/ because Alphonse Elric has no filter ??

(3:20) **That’s not fair!**

(3:21) Welcome to the world, little brother

(3:22) **Mei and I aren’t even dating!**

(3:23) Technicalities

(3:34) Neither are Winry and I

(3:35) If I have to suffer through Hohenheim stammering about safe sexual activity, I WILL NOT BE ALONE

(3:36) **Brooooooooother!**

(3:37) Muahahahaha

(3:38) What’s the bet he sends us an entire pharmacy shelf’s worth of condoms

(3:38) ??

(3:39) **He actually used the phrase ‘making love to a woman’! I’m going to /die/. I’m going to kill you first, Ed, and then I am going to /die/ of embarrassment!**

(3:40) This is his most amusing attempt at fatherhood yet

(3:41) And by amusing I mean terrible

(3:42) **He wants to know more about her.**

(3:43) **You’re the worst brother ever.**

(3:44) Tell him you write poetry about her braids

(3:45) He’ll love that

(3:46) **I keep telling him I’m in class, but he won’t stop!**

(3:37) He’s probably in class too

(3:38) “Amuse yourselves, I must text my sons about their sex lives.”

(3:39) “This WILL be on the midterm.”

(3:40) **Why did you do this. You’re my big brother, aren’t you supposed to protect me?**

(3:41) Some things no big brother should suffer alone, Al

(3:42) Also, I have to balance out protecting and harassing

(3:43) It’s delicate, equivalent exchange

(3:44) For every moment of protection, there must be a moment of humiliation

(3:45) **”Sex is natural, Alphonse, and most people find it pleasurable.”**

(3:46) *shudder*

(3:47) **You. Are. The. WORST.**

(3:48) **”You and your brother are good-looking young men, you’re certain to have many interested potential partners. I know I did.”**

(3:49) Oh, christ

(3:50) Gag me with a spoon

(3:52) **I told him I had a test and that I had to turn off my phone.**

(3:53) **I hope he starts researching and gets very, very lost. Possibly forever.**

(3:54) Hahahahahaha

(3:55) **Enjoy yourself, brother!**

(3:56) **I owe you REAL big for this. I'm in the middle of math! With Mei sitting in front of me!**

(3:57) SERIOUSLY

(3:58) HAHAHAHAH OMG IS THIS CHRISTMAS

(3:59) **No. No, it is the anti-Christmas.**

(4:00) **I can’t look her in the eye, and my face must be red as a tomato!**

(4:01) Hohenheim texted you the sex talk, in class, with your crush sitting in front of you

(4:02) I’m going to remember this and say it in a speech when you get married

(4:03) **Fine. And I’m going to show all the attendees at YOUR wedding a spectacular photo I have of you drunk and passed out with penises drawn all over your face.**

(4:04) Ah, is that the best you got

(4:05) Up your game, Al

(4:06) **Fine, brother. I will.**

(4:07) **But when it happens, remember that you asked for it.**

(4:08) I know you’re trying to be all dramatic over there, but trust that I’m cackling myself stupid over here

(4:08) Tit  
  
  
***

  
Tuesday Evening, October 21st

(6:04) _Why does Ariel wear seashells?_

(6:05) You have no idea how happy it makes me when you start conversations with jokes

(6:06) Please, tell me why

(6:07) _You loser._

(6:08) _Because she can’t fit into D-shells._

(6:09) Ba dum bum !

(6:10) Here’s a good joke:

(6:12) Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

(6:13) The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

(6:14) The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

(6:14) The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

(6:15) _Haha, oh gosh._

(6:16) _See if you can figure this one out:_

(6:18) _You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop-off, and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you._

(6:19) _What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?_

(6:20) Jesus

(6:21) Grow wings ??

(6:22) _Nope!!_

(6:23) _Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round._

(6:24) …

(6:25) I may have just died and am now having an out of body, spiritual experience

(6:26) That joke was terrible, and it has killed me

(6:27) _Sorry, not sorry._

(6:28) _So, funny thought: We’re both blondes. Why aren’t we telling blonde jokes?_

(6:30) Good question

(6:31) Perhaps not surprisingly, I know a lot of blonde jokes

(6:32) Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

(6:33) _I dunno, why?_

(6:34) Because on the box it said ‘From 2 to 4 years.’

(6:35) _Lol._

(6:36) _Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?_

(6:37) Idk, idk

(6:38) _Because it said ‘Concentrate’._

(6:39) HA

(6:40) What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home ??

(6:41) _Something that probably killed her._

(6:42) She moved

(6:43) _Heh._

(6:44) _What do you call a blonde with a brain?_

(6:45) In this context ?? A scientific anomaly

(6:46) _OR, a golden retriever._

(6:47) Hahahaha, omg

(6:48) Okay, okay

(6:49) What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

(6:50) _Nothing, because she hasn’t pulled the pin?_

(6:51) Close !!

(6:52) Pull the pin and throw it back

(6:53) _Aw, damn, I should’ve known that one._

(6:54) _How do you confuse a blonde?_

(6:55) Idk, how

(6:56) _You don’t, they’re born that way._

(6:57) … That probably should’ve been obvious.

(6:58) What did the blonde say when she looked in a box of Cheerios

(6:59) _This one I DO know: “Ooh, look, donut seeds!!”_

(7:00) Hahaha, yes

(7:01) _Last one, I’m going to go watch a movie with Granny._

(7:02) K

(7:03) _Why did the blonde get fired from the M &Ms factory?_

(7:04) Not for her smart ass behavior, I’m sure

(7:05) _She kept throwing away all the Ws._

(7:06) HURR

(7:06) Well NATCH

(7:07) Enjoy your movie

(7:09) _Thanks! Talk to you later!_  
  
  
***  
  
  
(10:45) _Good night, Edward :)_

(10:46) Night Win

(10:47) Dream of something better than pumpkins and shaving cream tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** I've made Mei the same age as Al here because, reasons.


	9. Dateline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse

Wednesday Morning, October 22nd

(10:20) _Today is a sad day._

(10:24) This is two mornings in a row now you’ve started conversations with ambiguous, mildly discomforting texts

(10:25) _Whiner._

(10:26) _It’s the last day of the Great Pumpkin Challenge. They’ll announce the winners on Saturday, then the market is over until the spring._

(10:27) Truly it’s the end of an era

(10:28) Will you tell me what your donated prize is, now

(10:29) _Custom metal decor, up to a $200 value. For the community pick for best design._

(10:30) _It’s Granny’s fourth year doing it. Usually people pick window or door embellishments. The first year, though, we built a metal arbor._

(10:31) You do it?

(10:32) _Well I help Granny, yeah. I’ve been working in the shop with her since I was eleven._

(10:33) _I’ve done steel fabrication and helped with some commercial/residential structural steel projects, but mostly I do spot welding. Well, and I work on cars._

(10:35) Like custom work, or... ??

(10:37) _Some, yeah, and on motorcycles. Custom metalwork, mostly, like… embellishments. Hood ornaments and door handles and stuff like that. I mean, I’m only sixteen. Most people are pretty wary about commissioning much more than that, no matter what Granny tells them._

(10:38) _I do some restorative work, too, though. And I help Granny with cars (she fixes them off the books on her own time), and do both at the body shop at my school. My Beetle’s the only car I’ve ever restored completely on my own, though._

(10:39) That’s really fucking impressive

(10:40) _Shush._

(10:41) And you build model prosthesis

(10:42) _Um. Well. We don’t have a... Limb Store or anything. Granny mostly just sells her plans to people who are actually /trained/ to make and fit prosthesis. It’s what she wanted to do when she was younger, but she took over Rockbell Metal Works from my grandparents instead._

(10:43) Huh

(10:43) So. When do you breathe, exactly ??

(10:44) Are you lying when you say you’re going to sleep? Do you actually go do… metal things, instead ??

(10:45) _Ha, well._

(10:46) _I like being busy. And I like to challenge myself. Besides, the more I learn and do now, the more likely I am to get the scholarships I need to go to university._

(10:47) You live up to ‘gearhead’, Gearhead

(10:48) _Pfft. If you say so. Everybody’s got something, though._

(10:49) _I should give YOU a nickname._

(10:50) _Something hugely inappropriate._

(10:51) Given that’s my middle name, nothing else would do

(10:52) Edward Something-Hugely-Inappropriate Elric

(10:53) _Your parents had you pegged early._

(10:54) Bona fide realists, yup

(10:55) _Hmm. So. What’s appropriately inappropriate for you, then…?_

(10:56) _Mr. Chemistry? The Dick Wielder? Medieval Alchemy Freak?_

(10:58) Those all sound like rejected names for the world’s worst x-men

(10:59) ‘The Dick Wielder: He Has Dicks for Hands, and is Unstoppable!!’

(11:01) _Dildo /canons/ for hands would probably be more effective than fencing with single dick hands. Especially if your dick hands had testicles; they’d be too sensitive to do much with. I feel like you’d be a lot more successful launching phallic objects instead._

(11:02) Touche

(11:06) You still there

(11:08) _Yes, barely!_

(11:10) _Sorry I just… I had this… this /amazing/ mental image of you with dildo canons for hands and it pretty much crippled me! I had to leave my Granny and the walk-through, I couldn’t stop laughing!_

(11:11) _She probably thinks I’ve lost my mind!_

(11:12) I’d say I’m happy to oblige, but you created that all on your onesie

(11:13) Did you snort

(11:14) _Shut up!!_

(11:15) You totally snorted !

(11:16) /that/ I’ll take credit for

(11:17) That’s something I look forward to experiencing in person

(11:18) _Don’t be mean!_

(11:19) I’m not

(11:20) I really am, if it’s a guarantee of how you’re actually enjoying something

(11:21) There’ll be no question of whether or not you’re faking finding me funny, I’ll know I’m succeeding if I make you snort

(11:22) Why would you think I’m being mean

(11:23) _More… facetious._

(11:24) _I dunno. You get called Piggy more than once and stigma just sort of… latches on._

(11:25) Well fuck whoever said/says that to you

(11:26) If they want to, people’ll find ANYTHING to make fun of. I’ve been called Goldilocks more times than I can count

(11:27) One semi-advantage of private school, though, is that sometimes the insults are on a (somewhat) higher level

(11:28) There was a dickwad in last year’s senior class who, once Al came to school, starting calling us Romulus and Remus

(11:29) _What? Why?_

(11:30) He said the color of our eyes proved that we were werewolves

(11:31) Which, I mean, usually degenerated into calling us Remus Lupins 1 & 2, or making jokes about putting silver in our food

(11:32) We got a ‘Awhooooooooooo werewolves of London!’ once

(11:33) (I did say /somewhat/ higher level)

(11:34) _Sometimes simple insults say it better._

(11:35) Yeah, it was especially rich coming from a dude whose parents named him Phthonus

(11:36) Who was the personification of envy, in greek mythology

(11:37) He and his friends called themselves ‘the sins’ like a bunch of mooks

(11:38) We called them Boobs, Stink Eye, Captain Ego, and the Hungry Hungry Hippo.

(11:39) _Lust, Envy, Pride and Gluttony?_

(11:40) _You’re missing a few sins, there._

(11:41) The Four Essentially Useless versus the Seven Deadly

(11:42) They were idiots

(11:43) _I should go back, and it might be a good idea to not be tempted to re-imagine you brandishing dildo canons, so I think I’ll tuck my phone away._

(11:44) Lame

(11:45) I’m thinking that The Dick Wielder will make a great halloween costume

(11:46) _Only if you wear tights with a big ole’ crotch bulge, and your superhero emblem is dickbutt._

(11:47) As if there would be any other acceptable course to take  
  
  
***  
  
  
Wednesday Evening, October 22nd

(5:56) Did you survive the rest of your walk-through

(5:59) _Yes._

(6:02) Cool

(6:03) What’re you up to ??

(6:04) _Nothing._

(6:06) Ic, ic

(6:07) Al told me a great joke today, want to hear it

(6:08) _Not particularly._

(6:11) Right

(6:12) I’m getting the impression that something’s up

(6:13) _Don’t worry about it._

(6:14) Well, easier said than done

(6:15) I obvs can’t claim to know you well, but for two weeks you’ve been pretty big on the joke telling, and on keeping conversation going, so

(6:16) Did something happen

(6:16) ??

(6:17) _Seriously, Ed, leave it alone._

(6:18) _Leave /me/ alone._

(6:19) Did I say or do something to piss you off

(6:20) Did you find my Tumblr or something

(6:21) I know it’s a bit heavy on the DBZ gifs, but I swear I can tone down the Vegeta love

(6:23) (That was a joke, in case you missed it; now’s the part where you Lol)

(6:24) _Please stop texting me._

(6:25) For now, or forever ??

(6:28) ????????

(6:29) Fucking fine  
  
  
***  
  
  
(7:02) You know what, Winry: NOPE

(7:03) I hate these sorts of emotionally manipulative games, like

(7:04) I refuse to sit here and stew and try to figure out what it is I’ve apparently done to offend you without any clues to what, or feel bad for nothing and everything all at once

(7:05) I’m not a fucking mind reader  
  
  
***  
  
  
(7:15) Winry

(7:19) Please stop ignoring me  
  
  
***  
  
  
Wednesday Evening, October 22nd

(7:30) **What’s going on, brother?**

(7:31) **You look about ready to break the table in half and set in on fire.**

(7:32) **I think Miss Sheska would notice.**

(7:34) Winry won’t talk to me

(7:35) She told me to stop texting her

(7:36) **What did you do?**

(7:37) Nothing!! Absolutely nothing

(7:38) Come look at the conversation we had earlier if you want, I can’t figure it out

(7:39) **Pass your phone over.**

(7:46) **Huh.**

(7:47) **I really don’t know what to tell you, Ed.**

(7:48) **Maybe something happened at home and she just doesn’t want to talk about it.**

(7:49) **Give her some space, she’ll tell you what’s up if she wants to.**

(7:53) I guess

(7:54) **I know your default setting is wanting to make everything better immediately, but it doesn’t always work like that.**

(7:55) **/Especially/ because while you two might have a thing for one another, you’re still practically strangers.**

(7:58) Fine

(7:59) I’ll let it alone, FOR NOW

(8:00) But I won’t like it

(8:02) **Good.**

(8:03) **And honestly, brother, is there anything you DO like?  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
Wednesday Evening, October 22nd

(11:01) Night Win  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Afternoon, October 23rd

(2:04) Are we still not talking ??

(2:20) Okay, then  
  
  
***  
  
  
(4:06) Some freshman just pitched six pumpkins the length of the dinner hall, and into the head table, where the teachers sit

(4:07) The CO’s got pumpkin bits dangling from his mustache (which is a full on Burt Reynolds, for the record) and eyepatch, and I can see the vein in his forehead throbbing from the back of the room

(4:08) I think if he joined The Sins he’d be Wrath

(4:10) I get that we’re still not talking, I guess, but I thought that this’d make you laugh

(4:13) Ling just asked me if I thought the impact of our prank’d be affected by this, but I think it’s more like gauntlet down, challenge accepted, precedent set

(4:14) Besides, no glitter

(4:15) And they totally didn’t get Mustang  
  
  
***  
  
  
(6:02) Al says I need to give you space, but I apparently don’t know how to do that

(6:06) So

(6:07) A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”  
  
  
***  
  
  
(7:45) A dyslexic man walks into a bra  
  
  
***  
  
  
(8:32) Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted  
  
  
***  
  
  
(9:04) A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?”  
  
  
***  
  
  
(9:50) I’d say I’m sorry for the jokes, but I’m not really

(9:53) A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"  
  
  
***  
  
  
(10:31) A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.  
  
  
***  
  
  
(10:49) Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

(10:50) The other says, "Are you sure?"

(10:50) The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."  
  
  
***  
  
  
(11:23) Goodnight, Win

(11:24) I wish I wasn’t such shit at this  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Morning, October 24th

(10:08) Still nothing

(10:10) **Be patient, brother.**

(10:12) Easy for you to say

(10:14) **Distract yourself! Read a book. Devise an experiment. Pay attention in class, even.**

(10:15) I want to go down to her stupid school

(10:16) **Sure, because that wouldn’t look needlessly aggressive at all.**

(10:17) I guess

(10:19) I also texted her jokes last night

(10:21) **Seriously, Ed?**

(10:23) Yeah

(10:24) **Way to give her space, you idiot.**

(10:26) Yeah, I know

(10:27) I can’t help it

(10:28) If I’ve done something stupid I want to fix it

(10:30) **Which harassing her with your terrible jokes is /bound/ to accomplish, especially since she asked you to leave her alone.**

(10:31) **”No” doesn’t /actually/ mean “Yes”, brother!**

(10:33) I know, I know !!!

(10:35) **Maybe you should give me your phone between classes.**

(10:37) Yeah, maybe

(10:38) **You know what they say, Ed; a watched pot never boils.**

(10:40) Alright

(10:41) I’ll meet you by the library

(10:43) **See you then, brother.  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
Friday Afternoon, October 24th

(4:45) _Omg, Paninya, I have totally screwed this up!!_

(4:47) yaaaay you got your phone back

(4:48) you mean your asshole??

(4:50) _Yes. He’s been texting me this whole time, trying to figure out what’s going on. He’s been telling jokes and saying good night and he thinks that I’ve been ignoring him._

(4:51) _What am I going to say!?!_

(4:53) idk, just tell him the truth

(4:54) i’m sure he’ll get it, I mean, it’s not your fault

(4:55) granny didn’t have any more stipulations, did she

(4:56) _No, not once she figured out she knew who he was. She’s still mumbling about internet predators and irresponsible granddaughters, though, and eyeing my phone like it’s possessed by a demon._

(4:57) she knows who he is?!?!?!?!

(4:58) _Yeah, apparently she knows his dad professionally in some convoluted way, and his mom and my mom went to university together._

(5:00) holy crap

(5:02) does he know

(5:04) _No, I don’t think so._

(5:06) _I really don’t want to explain this through text._

(5:07) then don’t

(5:08) call him

(5:09) _Oh Jesus._

(5:11) _I dunno, Pan. You don’t think that might weird him out after it seems like I ignored him for two days?_

(5:12) well preface the phone call with a text, ya dum dum

(5:13) don’t just call him straight up, he’ll have a heart attack

(5:14) _Okay, okay._

(5:15) also, memorize his number in case something like this happens again

(5:16) you don’t want to leave him in the lurch again, i totally could’ve given him a heads up like 20 times over in all this

(5:18) teased him mercilessly too, sure, but it all goes together, helper and hellion

(5:17) _Yeah, okay._

(5:19) _Alright, I’m going to do this._

(5:20) _This is going to be weird, and parts of it are going to suck, but I’m going to do it._

(5:22) you tellin me that, or yourself

(5:23) you’ll be fine, win

(5:25) _Uuuuuuuuuuugh I hope so._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Evening, October 24th

(5:38) _Um. Hi._

(5:39) _I think you deserve an explanation._

(5:41) _I dunno if I deserve a response though, but._

(5:43) _If/when you’re free I’d like to call you._  
  
  
***  
  
  
(6:04) Call me?? Like, voices on the phoneline

(6:06) _Well we could give telepathy a go, but I wouldn’t expect much._

(6:08) _I’m sorry, Ed._

(6:10) It’s okay

(6:11) I’m just glad you’re talking to me again

(6:12) /I’m/ sorry that I didn’t reply right away

(6:14) I gave Al my phone so I’d stop feeling compelled to send you my shit jokes

(6:16) _I liked them._

(6:17) _And your good nights._

(6:19) _So. Are you up for it? A phone call?_

(6:21) Uh, yeah

(6:22) I’m game, just

(6:23) Gimme a minute, I’m gonna relocate

(6:25) _Okay._

(6:29) K

(6:30) Whenever you’re ready ??  
  
  
***  
  
  
[Calling Edward Elric]

“Uh. Hello?”

_”Edward?”_

“Yup? Hi Winry.”

_”Hi. ...Oh gosh, this is weird.”_

“Why, do I sound more macho than you expected?”

_”Oh, ha ha. No, you actually… I dunno if it’s what I expected, but you don’t sound wrong.”_

“Well that’s something, I guess. So. Uh. What’s up? Or what’s _been_ up?”

_“Oh, well. So. After the whole… dick cannon thing, I went back to the market and whatever, and Granny asked me what I’d been laughing at, and without thinking I said, ‘oh, just Ed’ and well. I hadn’t really told her about you, because I wasn’t sure how much she’d approve of my… you know. Chatting it up with some dude off in cyberspace some place.”_

“Well, shit.”

_”Yeah. But I am also an absolutely terrible liar, so. She got it out of me.”_

“She took your phone, I guess?”

_”Yes. And gave me a talking down about the dangers of cyber predators. She kept trying to find Dateline on Netflix.”_

“Hahahaha, oh God.”

 _”Right? But anyway, she was just_ grilling _me about you, and so I was telling her because seriously I think it’s obvious you’re not a serial killer, and well… the second I said ‘Elric’ she pretty much lost her mind.”_

“What? _Why_?”

 _”The short story is Six Degrees of Separation. The_ long _story is that she worked with your dad on some project or another before you or I were born, and that your mom and mine went to the Creta Institute for the Arts together. Like, they were close friends, and shared a dorm and stuff.”_

“Are you… are you serious?”

_”Your mom was Trisha Elric?”_

“Yeah.”

_”Then, yep.”_

“That is some trippy shit.”

_”It gets weirder, though.”_

“I probably shouldn’t doubt that.”

_“My dad went to Xerxes. He did his biology degree there, and I guess your dad was his TA in a couple of classes? He and my mom were high school sweethearts, and so one weekend she came to a party to visit him, and brought your mom with her.” And--_

“... Let me guess. That’s how she met my dad.”

_”Seems that way.”_

“Jesus.”

_”Yeah.”_

“What are the fucking chances.”

_”Pretty slim, I’d wager.”_

“Huh.”

 _”Anyway, Granny was still pretty pissed that I ‘got myself wrapped up’ in some_ boy _, especially one I didn’t know, in her words, from a hole in the ground, and kept my phone for an extra day. But. Um. She was backseat typing that first time. I’m really sorry, Ed.”_

“Ah. Um. Don’t be. I mean. It makes sense now, so. I’m just glad you weren’t ignoring me. I felt like a dumbass.”

_”This probably sound stupid, but I’m glad you kept texting.”_

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

_”Well, you didn’t write me off right away. You probably were within your right to.”_

“Pfffffffft. Whatever. I um. I can’t pretend to know everything about you, Win, obviously, but I think we know each other from holes in the ground, no matter what Granny Chris Hansen thinks.”

_”Hahahaha, oh my gosh, you should’ve heard her searching on Netflix. ‘Where’s To Catch a Predator!? Who needs five bloody seasons of Merlin instead of that?’”_

“Heh, well I would hope most people would prefer a land of myth and a time of magic to ‘here, let me over-saturate you with pedophiles’!”

_”Oh I’m pumped you can quote the Merlin opening! I was completely obsessed with that show for like, forever!”_

“The opening? I can quote most of the show.”

_”Your nerd is showing.”_

“Hey, you’ve already told me that you like it. What other nerdy things can I own up to that’ll impress you? My badass collection of sonic screwdrivers?? The framed poster in my room of Middle Earth? My massive, pristine albums FULL of Pokemon cards?”

 _”Do you_ actually _play Pokemon?”_

“Oh yeah. Al, Ling and I lay the smackdown. Nobody beats my mint charizard.”

_”Oh my gosh. That is a whole new level of dorky, Ed.”_

“I don’t hear _too_ much disdain in your voice, so you’re not _that_ put off by the idea.”

_”Maybe I’m just being nice.”_

“Nah. I think you’ve told me twice now that you call um’ like you see um’. If my pokemon were a deal breaker I think you’d be telling me to fling them out the window.”

 _”Well first of all,_ no _, and second of all, I hope you wouldn’t get rid of something YOU like just because some girl doesn’t get it, Ed.”_

“You don’t really strike me as just 'some girl’, Winry.”

 _”_ Oh _, um. Well. Thank you?”_

“Sure. But no, I wouldn’t.”

_”Good.”_

“So. Are we still on for the show? If your Granny’s doesn’t want you to go, I totally get it.”

_”No, we’re still good, it’s fine. She knows who you are, so. I mean, if you fuck it up, she’d jump at an opportunity to call your dad, I think.”_

“Oh goody. I can’t say I’m into the idea of Hohenheim giving me tips in chivalry, so…”

_”...So?”_

“I’d better not fuck it up?”

_”So far, so good. I mean, if anyone’s been on track to fuck it up, it’s me.”_

“Nah. This was a misunderstanding. Besides, it’s turning out pretty good.”

_”Yeah?”_

“Well we’re talking, aren’t we? Better yet, we’re _talking_ talking, not just texting. Not that I don’t enjoy the texting, because I do. But. Uh. I like the sound of your voice, too. I could. Um. I could get used to it.”

_”Hee. Well.”_

“I swear I just heard you giggle. Isn’t that like, against the Mechanics Code of Honor?”

_”I’ll blame you when they call me to trial.”_

“Ouch. Throwing me under the bus just like that, huh?”

_”I’ve got to keep up appearances. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”_

“Ruthless. I like it. Is that like, rule number one in the Gearhead Guidebook?”

_”Rule number three, actually. The first two rules are Know How to Aim a Wrench.”_

“First for practical use, the second for threat?”

_”You got it. Take no prisoners, never surrender!”_

“As a group you sound tight knit and scary.”

_”We do what we can. Speaking of rules, though, I think I’ve got rule number three to add to the list of Edward Elric’s Dating Tips.”_

“Aw, no, c’mon now.”

_”Mmmhmm! If She’s Not Responding to Your Texts, Overdo Walking into a Bar Jokes.”_

“You said you liked them!”

_”I’ve been inferring that your approach is lame, not that it isn’t working.”_

“What? … _Oh_. Well. You’re just calling yourself lame, aren’t you?”

_”No. Wrench, remember. Also I wouldn’t over-employ your first two dating tips.”_

“What, calling you an asshole? Twice?”

_"Yeah, that. Don’t do that.”_

_“_ Don’t lord menacing wrenches over me, you crazy Gearhead.”

_”It’s a package deal. Like you and your pokemon.”_

“Hmmm. Suspect.”

_”Take me or leave me, Ed.”_

“I think I’ll take you. Oh-- Oh shit! I mean. Um. Not _that_. Oh Christ. I meant, fuck, I meant like, _dating_ not-- stop laughing!”

 _“I don’t--_ snort _\--I don’t--_ snort _\--think I can!”_

“THERE IT IS! I DID IT!! ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED, I MADE YOU SNORT!”

 _”_ Snort _\--_ snort _\--Shup up!--_ snort _”_

“OH MY GOD, NEVER. That is so fucking adorable, Jesus Christ.”

_”Ugh… Okay, okay. So, you’re the worst.”_

“If by worst you mean the best, then yes.”

_”Stop smirking! I can totally tell that you’re smirking.”_

“No can do. You should bottle that shit. You’d make a fortune.”

 _”Ugh! It’s the worst!_ You’re _the worst!”_

“You’re repeating yourself. Do you just get more and more belligerent the more someone compliments you? I mean, not that I don’t employ a similar tactic when people are being dickfaces, but...”

_”Maybe you’re being a dickface.”_

“Nah.”

_”Ugh, you sound so cocky.”_

“I’m only cocky when I know I’m right. Which is like, 99 per cent of the time. --- What was that?”

_”I have to go. Granny is asking me if I’ve done my homework. Which I haven’t. You’re a terrible influence, Edward Elric.”_

“Hey, whatever, you instigated this, _Winry Rockbell_. If it makes you feel any better, though, I don’t have mine finished either.”

_”It sort of does.”_

“Good.”

_”So. Um. Can we do this again? A phone call, I mean?”_

“As long as you think you can handle my cockiness and my compliments.”

_”Don’t be a smart ass.”_

“Ha, I think that’s part and parcel, Win, right alongside the pokemon. But, um. Yeah. I’m not usually big on phone calls, but, um. I like talking to you, so.”

_”Okay.”_

“Cool. So. Good night, I guess?”

_”Yeah, good night, Ed. Talk to you tomorrow. Actually. Promise.”_

“Awesome. Don’t work too hard.”

[Call Disconnected]  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Evening, October 24th

(7:30) You still in the library ?

(7:32) **Mmm! Up to my ears in physics.**

(7:33) **I wouldn’t mind a hand, if you’re free.**

(7:36) I’ll be there in a couple of minutes

(7:38) **How did it go, brother?**

(7:39) Awesome

(7:40) Weird

(7:41) I’ll tell you more when I get there

(7:42) **Is this the part where I get to say that I told you so? Because I told you so.**

(7:44) Yeah, yeah, whatever  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Evening, October 24th

(7:32) _Asjulhsjkfdgserdflaglsdfguoahr!!!_

(7:34) that good, huh

(7:46) _Oh my god, Paninya, there has to be something wrong with me!_

(7:48) yeah, probably


	10. Weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry

Saturday Morning, October 25th

(11:40) _So. I was right!_

(11:45) I feel like you probably state that to a lot of results, whatever the context

(11:46) But I’m feeling brave this morning, so: What were you right about, Winry ??

(11:48) _Seriously, you’re such a smartass._

(11:50) You’re welcome

(11:52) You forgot to note how really really ridiculously good-looking I am, my incomparable genius, and the fact that I’m cool as all hell

(11:54) _And SO funny, Zoolander, ho ho!_

(11:56) _Anyway, I was right with my picks for winners for the Great Pumpkin Challenge._

(11:58) Oh, yeah?

(12:00) _Yeah! The grotesque face pumpkin won overall, and was also voted for most detailed. Mojojojo and Harry Potter tied for fan favorite, and the dalek won second overall, AND most creative!_

(12:02) So the dalek creator gets your metal works

(12:03) Wow that is a weird sentence

(12:05) _They do, they do._

(12:07) _All the rest of the winners are on the city website; I only really had a vested interest in those four. Well, and the piggies, which all the kids get stickers for anyway._

(12:09) “My favorites did well, everybody else can go hang!”

(12:11) _You should remember that._

(12:13) Threats !?!

(12:14) I like it

(12:16) _Edward Elric: Sadist._

(12:19) If we keep adding predominant personality traits, you’re going to run out of percentages

(12:21) _Eh, we can always explore secondary characteristics and distribute them appropriately._

(12:23) _No man can solely exist on yelling, swear words, dropping the ball, and being an asshole._

(12:25) I would say you underestimate me, but that is really not a complimentary picture you’ve painted

(12:27) _Paninya calls you ‘[my] asshole’. I’m not sure she remembers you have a real name._

(12:29) I’ve been identified through worse titles

(12:31) Asshole as a term of endearment is new

(12:34) _At one point, when I mentioned you wanting to grow your hair out, she called you Rapunzel-in-training, but I shot that down._

(12:35) _Blonde solidarity and all that._

(12:38) Remind me to fist bump you when we meet

(12:39) Fair-hairs before squares ??

(12:41) _Defend the flaxen; it’s a call to action?_

(12:43) Yellow… before rude fellows

(12:43) ??

(12:46) _It’s colored like straw, not some tragic flaw._

(12:49) No insults should be paired with the golden-haired

(12:51) Fuck conventional poetry, we should take this shit on tour

(12:54) _Or start the world’s tackiest Youtube channel._

(12:56) _Blondes: The Asshole & the Saint._

(12:58) HA

(12:59) Saint Edward and Winry the Asshole

(1:00) Don’t sugarcoat it, spell it out; people are idiots

(1:02) _I really don’t know who taught you how to flirt, but you’re balls at it._

(1:03) _EEDT #4: Call her an asshole a third time, for good measure._

(1:05) You started it!!

(1:07) And I can’t be /that/ balls at it, you asked me out ffs REMEMBER THAT

(1:09) _Maybe I’m just taking pity on your sad excuse for wooing._

(1:12) That’s a lot of effort to put in for an incapable woo-er

(1:14) Who do you think you are, Paragon and Savior of Dork Virtue??

(1:16) _Well. I’m also expecting a snack and at least ONE drink._

(1:18) USER

(1:19) LO AND BEHOLD, THE VIXEN’S TRUE COLORS SHINE

(1:21) _Vixen. Seriously?_

(1:22) CALLIN’ ‘UM LIKE I SEE ‘UM

(1:23) Is aggressively text-shouting backhanded compliments an improvement or detriment to my wooing

(1:25) _Is that what that was? A back-handed compliment?_

(1:26) _And here I thought you were just plain addled._

(1:28) Well, maybe that too

(1:29) But you liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it

(1:31) _Is there a shit-eating grin on your face right now? That reads like there is._

(1:33) YUP

(1:34) _Dink._

(1:36) As much a boon as you are to my self-esteem, I gotta jet

(1:37) Operation: Fuck You Ling kicks off in 20 minutes

(1:39) _AKA: Shaving Cream in Action?_

(1:41) You bet your butt

(1:42) Talk later ?

(1:44) _Sounds good!_

(1:45) _Part of me wants to say ‘Good Luck’ while another is desperate to chastise, so…_

(1:46) _Don’t get caught?_

(1:48) Haha, thanks

(1:49) I will try my very, very best  
  
  
***  
  
  
(3:05) Successssssssssssssssssssss

(3:08) _Oh?_

(3:11) The sound of those cans exploding was miraculous

(3:12) This must be why people cry when they listen to people sing opera

(3:16) _I think that that’s probably both a dramatic AND exaggerated comparison._

(3:18) I’m all about dramatics

(3:20) _I picked up on that, funnily enough._

(3:21) _Did you get caught?_

(3:25) NOPE

(3:26) I mean, Ling’ll totally know it was us, but we are in the clear teacher-wise

(3:27) I wish you could’ve seen the foamy waves sludging all over his uniforms, and oozing out from under his bed; sooooo fucking satisfying

(3:28) I put some under his pillow too, for good measure

(3:30) _Seems a little excessive in retaliation for him annoying you into a fist fight, but then again, I get the impression you both are that way with one another._

(3:32) Oh, yeah

(3:34) One time he and Lan Fan dyed all my uniforms purple

(3:36) Another time they programmed my phone to play the Kim Possible ringtone whenever I got a text message, jacked the volume up, and then got everyone in the class to text me at the same time

(3:37) _Hahahaha, oh my gosh, I bet that was hilarious!_

(3:38) Yeah, the teacher didn’t appreciate my taking it in stride and screaming out “God damn it, Wade, what the fuck’s the sitch?” either

(3:39) _Not entirely surprising, you potty mouth._

(3:41) Hey, swear words are /just/ words

(3:42) The only thing that makes them ‘bad’ is the social construct that says they are

(3:44) _I guess so. Not that I don’t swear or anything, I do. But. I dunno._

(3:36) _Granny smacked me upside the head enough when I was kid, swearing still internally makes me cringe sometimes._

(3:38) Oh yeah, Mom was always really aggressive about it

(3:39) She always told me that there were better words

(3:40) Al hardly swears at all

(3:41) I started doing it a lot because it made Dad uncomfortable; I think he’s conditioned now, though

(3:43) _Conditioned, or resigned?_

(3:46) Eh, little A, little B, who knows

(3:47) He frowns less, regardless

(3:50) _Well, that’s something._

(3:53) _So. I’ve been cordially invited to get drunk in the woods._

(3:56) Sounds cold

(3:57) And like the start of a shitty horror movie

(3:59) _There’s going to be a bonfire or something, I dunno._

(4:01) _Pan doesn’t want to go by herself, and apparently it’s a senior tradition?_

(4:03) _She wants to go moon at the cheer captain’s ass, is what, and to have an excuse/ride if/when everything goes south._

(4:06) _I feel so used._

(4:07) NOW YOU KNOW MY PAIN 

(4:08) I hope you’re already making plans to cash in the favor she obviously owes you

(4:09) Something better than settling for hot dogs

(4:11) _In my defense, they were very good hot dogs, but yes._

(4:13) _Anyway, she’s requested my whole and undivided attention, for dinner and the evening, so._

(4:15) Your loss, I was about to start sending you cat videos

(4:17) _Well NOW you tell me._

(4:19) ALAS, PERHAPS ON THE MORROW

(4:20) Have fun, BE SAFE

(4:22) _Alas, indeed. I will, Ed, to both. Thanks._  
  
  
***  
  
  
(10:14) _EDWARD ELRIC!!!_

(10:18) PLEASE tell me this is drunk texting

(10:19) I might literally die from an overload of glee, if it is

(10:21) _It isn’t!!!_

(10:23) Booooooooooo

(10:24) Why the caps, then

(10:26) _YOUR BROTHER HAS A VINE!?!_

(10:27) Oh, uh

(10:28) Yeah, I guess??

(10:29) Why and how … ?

(10:32) _One of the guys here was showing his friends videos on his phone, and I recognized your VOICE! YAY FOR PHONE CALLS. Lo and behold, there’s a VINE of you doing some SEVERELY crazy flips and shit, like the aerodynamic gymnast you apparently are!!_

(10:34) _And so I looked up Alphonse’s profile, and MOST of the videos are of YOU!_

(10:36) … Seriously?

(10:37) Like, in what context

(10:39) _You really didn’t know?!?_

(10:42) Well I knew there were a couple of videos, idk

(10:45) I think there’s one of Ling and I cramming sliders in our mouths at Applebees, and the flips one, and then another of us doing the ice bucket challenge on Hohenheim while he was taking a nap

(10:47) _Those are there, yes!! Plussssss there’s him giggling at you singing Lady Gaga in the shower. (Or, maybe, at a cat dying sort-of-tuned to Poker Face; we don’t see you so it’s hard to say...)_

(10:49) Welp, looks like I’m about to become an only child, because I’m gonna to kill him

(10:50) _There’s one of you tripping literally head over heels trying to take off your pants, and you look and sound WASTED. Your swear word vocabulary is vast!!_

(10:51) Jesus lawn-bowling christ

(10:52) _There’s also video of the dildo siege on Ling!! Your maniacal laugh is impressive!! So’s your aim!!_

(10:55) Thanks, I think

(10:57) What’s that deceitful little soon-to-be-numbnut’s profile

(10:59) _Just al.elric!!_

(11:02) _THE BEST, though, is the multi-part-ers of you doing the PokeRap. IN YOUR BLUEBERRY UNIFORM. And they just show up randomly amid the other videos!_

(11:03) THAT DICK

(11:04) HE SAID HE WOULDN’T

(11:05) FUCK HIM, HE IS GONNA GET IT

(11:07) He was being a little shit and kept saying he didn’t think I could remember the whole thing

(11:09) _”I don’t think you can, brother.” “FUCK YOU.”_

(11:11) For the love of shit, his fucking profile description

(11:13) “my big brother keeps me on my toes”, what the flying fuck

(11:14) BR-FUCKING-B

(11:16) _Don’t kill him!!_  
  
  
***  
  
  
(11:30) He was asleep

(11:32) I pinned him in his sheets after jumping on him, and punched him

(11:34) _Oh, Ed!!_

(11:36) Not like, REAL punches, or anything

(11:38) Honestly, it dissolved into a tickle fight, like it usually does

(11:40) _Aw!!_

(11:42) Though when I got back up I did throw shoes at him

(11:44) _Not so aw!!!_

(11:45) _What’d he have to say in his defense??_

(11:47) That the internet thinks I’m awesome and hilarious, so what’s wrong with that

(11:49) _Well that’s true! The boys from my school were totally blown away by the ninja-ing. “Man, I can’t land that with two feet, I’d break my neck. Dude’s got skill!”_

(11:51) Well, that’s something, I suppose

(11:52) Idk, it’s not like I really /care/, you know? Just… idk, idk

(11:54) _You wish he’d asked??_

(11:56) I guess so

(11:58) _Well! There’s no use crying over spilled milk!!_

(11:59) _You know now, and so you can veto him all you like from now on. Or instigate!!_

(12:01) I wouldn’t cry over spilled milk, I’d throw a fucking party

(12:03) That shit tastes like… well, like shit

(12:05) _!!!_

(12:06) _Captain Backflip doesn’t drink his milk!?! But you have to keep your bones strong!!_

(12:08) Milk is not the only source of calcium in the world

(12:09) And I’m seventeen, I doubt I’m about to be struck down by osteoporosis

(12:11) _You never know!! Stranger things have happened!_

(12:13) You know, you’re using more exclamation points than usual

(12:15) _Soooooooooooooo!!_

(12:17) This might not be drunk texting, but is it maybe a-little-bit-tipsy texting ??

(12:19) _I… maaaay have had a cooler. Or three!_

(12:20) _And I maaaay, now, be sitting by myself on a clump of grass, freezing my bum off, with a cup of beer that sort of smells and tastes like gasoline. Maybe!!_

(12:22) Where’s Paninya?

(12:25) _Macking!!_

(12:27) With the cheerleader?

(12:28) _YUP._

(12:30) Well that’s something

(12:32) Why are you by yourself

(12:34) _Because all the dudes want to go off in the bushes, which I am NOT into, and all the girls want to bitch, and gossip, and are waaaaay to shrill to tolerate. So I’m watching vines of you instead (and probably being emo)!!_

(12:35) _I’m glad I charged my phone in the car before we got here!!_

(12:37) Why don’t you go home

(12:39) _I don’t want to leave Paninya! She’s A LOT more wasted than I am._

(12:41) _They got her to do a keg stand. I think they just wanted to touch her legs without it seeming way too weird…!_

(12:43) Probably

(12:45) People have a tendency to be weirded out by BUT kinda obsessed with fake body parts

(12:49) _This one dude keeps hitting on me._

(12:51) You know him

(12:53) _Sort of. I think he’s in my calculus class, and maybe plays football??_

(12:56) _His name is Russell. I don’t think he’s half as drunk as he’s pretending to be._

(12:58) You okay??

(12:59) Want me to come down and beat his ass for you

(1:02) _Hey, I could totally beat him into submission if I wanted to!!_

(1:04) Not doubting your ability, just coming up with Vine ideas

(1:06) ‘Ed attacks drunk people in his pajamas’ sounds viral worthy

(1:08) _Lol._

(1:09) _Not to be weird, but. Can you call me?_

(1:11) Course I can, just give me a sec; Al went back to sleep

(1:14) K, gonna call  
  
  
***  
  
  
[Calling Winry Rockbell]

_\--muffled-- ”Sorry, Russell, I have to take this; it’s my boyfriend.”_

“Well now. Hello, half-cut Winry.”

_”Why hello, asshole o’mine.”_

“Ha, oh my God. Seriously, though, that’s a weird word to use affectionately. And for your _boyfriend_ , apparently, no less.”

_”Shush. Maybe I’m not being affectionate at all.”_

“Sure, Winry. You keep telling yourself that. So. You’re using me again, huh? First drinks and a snack, then I'm a scapegoat. I see how it is.”

_”I may or may not be. You’re just very convenient right now. What time is it, even?_

“Like 20 after one. You’re lucky. I could and should be sleeping.”

_”Well it’s a better alternative than you coming down here in your pjs. You’d probably end up lost in the woods before you even found me.”_

“Probably. My sense of direction is limited to straight lines. Or circles. Not that I’d mind coming down if I had to. But I don’t have a car, anyway, remember?”

_”Yeah. I’ll call Granny in a bit, whether or not Pan resurfaces. I’m not really having fun. Then again, I wasn’t really to begin with. I don’t get why this kinda stuff is appealing.”_

“What, getting drunk in the woods?”

_”No. Getting drunk with strangers. Or, well. People you don’t really give a shit about. Just because it’s senior tradition.”_

“Well. Uh. You’re probably supposed to look back on it in 10 years with nostalgic affection for your own youth and stupidity? I mean, not yours, in particular, but as a group, I mean. But. Well. I think it’s usually more memorable when you’re doing dumb shit with people you like.”

_”Do you get drunk with your friends?”_

“Not at school, but in the summers sometimes, yeah. At friend’s houses, mostly. Hohenheim lets us have people over sometimes, too, since he keeps up his research when school’s out.”

_”Sometimes you call him Dad, sometimes you call him Hohenheim.”_

“Yeah?”

_”Why?”_

“Oh, I dunno. Habit, mostly. Or just to annoy him. He’s not father of the year by any means, but he’s a hell of a lot better than he used to be. Or maybe I’m just used to him, I dunno. Like, I think he gives a shit, now, but it’s a pretty passive shit. He always says he doesn’t know how to be a father anyway. But. I mean. Well. Sometimes he does, but it’s usually an accident. He took getting ice water dumped on him in stride, so there’s that.”

_”Ha. Yeah. But. Soooo. The first time I talked to you, you called him Captain Assface.”_

“Yeah, probably. That was the day of the dildo flinging, right?”

_”I think so.”_

“He’d called to harp on me about going to Xerxes next fall. They do scholarships for kids of full-time, tenured professors, and he’s pretty sure that with my grades and whatever it wouldn’t be an issue for me. And tuition credits are transferable to other universities, if I wanted to go somewhere else after a year.”

_”That’s… really awesome. Why wouldn’t you want to do that?”_

_“_ Well I don’t want to take his classes, for starters. He’s the head of the chemistry department, I think it’d be hard to avoid.”

 _”I’m sure there are enough teachers that you could manage to attend classes he_ wasn’t _teaching. Have you looked up the department online? And course listings? Or even asked your dad about it?”_

“Geez, dial it back, Officer Winry.”

_”... Sorry.”_

“Whatever.”

_”Well, um. What else, then? Makes you not want to, I mean?”_

“Well. I mean. There are better programs at other schools for what I want to do. With better labs. And I don’t. I mean. I just really… don’t want to feel like I owe him anything, I dunno. I’d rather take out loans, and do it myself, and fuck off to the other side of the country just for the sake of being someplace else.”

_”Huh.”_

“You think I’m being stupid.”

_”No. I mean, if your reasons are valid to you, then… you know. They are what they are. I just. The idea of having an opportunity for a no-strings education is so… unfathomable, to me.”_

“Al thinks I’m being a stubborn shit.”

_”Al’s probably right. Not, um. Not that it’s my place to have an opinion. On that.”_

“No. It’s--. I mean. Ugh, whatever, don’t worry about it. There’s just… more to it than I’d be willing to share with anyone but a therapist, and that’ll never fucking happen, so. Fuck it. I’ll worry about it when I actually need to worry about it.”

_”That’s pretty soon.”_

“Yep. But it’s not right now, so.”

 _”I guess. Feels like it’s all_ I _think about. University."_

“Yeah, me too. Or. Well, maybe it's not _all_ I think about. I think about other stuff too.”

_”Oh, yeah? Like what?”_

“Pranks. What’s for eating. New ways to piss off Ling. Books. Chemistry problems.”

_”Um. Anything else?”_

“Plot-holes in TV shows. How much I want to light my uniform on fire.”

_”Aaaaaaaanything else?”_

“Um. Well. Maybe.”

_”Maybe…?”_

“Maybe I. Um. Think about you. From time to time.”

_”Hee.”_

“Seriously, with the giggling. You’re _so_ not cute.”

_”You don’t think I’m cute?”_

“Well now you’re just baiting me. This is probably some kind of girl trap. I say, “Of course I think you’re cute,” and you answer “FUCK YOU I’M NOT CUTE, I AM AN ENIGMA!!!””

_”Well. I mean. If the shoe fits.”_

“You can be both. Cute and an enigma.”

_“Hmmm. I guess so.”_

“Seriously, though. I think about you, um. Kinda. A lot. It’s probably weird. And Christ I feel like that's the theme word of... us. This thing.”

_”Hahaha, yeah, I've definitely noticed an increase in my use of that word. And. Um. It might be. Weird, that is. Or, it might be if I didn’t think about you a lot too. I mean. When Granny took my phone away I was so paranoid you were going to think I was actually done with you, and that you’d never talk to me again. I, um. I probably shouldn’t be this… I dunno. I mean. I’ve never actually met you, you know?”_

“Yeah. I know. I, um. I-- I can’t wait to. Though. Meet you.”

_”Me either. I. I feel like I’m at an advantage here, having seen you being grumpy at the bus stop, and then watching all your brother’s Vines. You get. You get more familiar to me, but… I must still seem like such a stranger to you.”_

“Nah. I wouldn’t say that. I think we text to much for you to be _anything_ resembling a stranger. And. So, I mean, I know what kind of person you are, and that’s what really matters.”

_”... That’s really sweet, Ed.”_

“Heh. I have my moments. Savor it, Win. It probably won’t happen again for another millennia.”

_”Ha. ‘Edward Elric being genuinely sweet, rarer than Action Comics number one.’”_

“Pretty much. I’m much more widely known for my swearing than my sensuality. Oh, and for carrying on conversation in the middle of the night with bored, buzzed ladies who are stuck in the forest for indefinite amounts of times.”

_”Yeah, that too. Though I don’t think I’m really that tipsy anymore. I stopped drinking my gas-beer before you called.”_

“Probably for the best. That didn’t sound particularly good.”

_”It really wasn’t.”_

“So is the party still rippin’ and roarin’?”

_”Oh, god no. It’s pretty much dead. Lots of people have gone home, and the rest have found nice, private ditches in which to grope each other. I should probably go look for Paninya, but I don’t want to traumatize myself by checking all the bramble. I’ll probably scar myself for life.”_

“Probably. I hear that, as a collective, we teenagers are meant to be pretty indecent.”

_”So I’m told. I should start a book. ‘Teenagers: Things I Am Apparently Supposed to Be, Versus That Which I Am.’”_

“Catchy title.”

_”Yeah, I’m probably missing my true calling by--yaaaaaaaaawn--going into engineering. God I need to go to bed.”_

“Just go kick the noise-making bramble until you hear a familiar yelp. I’m sure you’ve kicked Paninya before.”

_”Ugh, yeah I probably should, and yes, I most absolutely have kicked her before-- Oh speak of the devil; her ears must have been burning.”_

“Oh has she finally come up for air?”

_”Yes. Okay, I’m going to go and drag her out of here. And sleep. Maybe for the rest of my life.”_

“Haha, okay. You do that.”

_”Thanks for talking to me, Ed, and keeping me company. I appreciate it. Seriously.”_

“Hey, no problem. Anytime. _Seriously_. Talk to you later?”

_”Yeah. Tomorrow? Preferably not at an hour that is ungodly.”_

“I’ll leave that to you.”

_”Cool. Night, Ed.”_

“Night Winry. Oh, and hey?”

_”Yeah?”_

“Drop me a text when you get home, okay?”

_”Aw. Yeah. Sure. I will. Thanks, Edward. Bye!”_

“C-ya.”

 _[Call Disconnected]  
  
  
_ *** __  
  
  
(2:26) _I’m home._

(2:27) _Thanks for being awesome, Ed._

(2:30) It’s how I roll, Win

(2:31) Sleep tight

(2:34) _You too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been having a bit of writer's block lately, and so scoured Tumblr for AU, modern day inspirations in... pretty much any capacity. There were a few that got the cogs turning again, in particular [this one](http://queerstang.tumblr.com/post/92092849349), because, well. _Obviously_.
> 
> Also, I've been toying with the idea of putting some story extras on my own Tumblr, mostly of universe information that maybe isn't super clear given the way the story is told (or that might add to the story in some way(s)). Would anyone be interested in this?


	11. Irony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- **Bolded Underline** is Ling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like you'll either love me or hate me for this.

Sunday Morning, October 26th

(10:15)  **I hate you.**

(10:17) Says the exploiting sibling

(10:19)  **Don't be so dramatic, Ed! It was just a couple of stupid videos!** **  
**

(10:21) I'm not awake enough for this level of irony...

(10:22) "Don't be so dramatic, Al! It was just a couple of late-night punches!"

(10:24) Also, all but maybe six of those vines feature me in some capacity

(10:25) Like, 10 of them are the fucking PokeRap

(10:26) Are there still pay phones out there someplace ??

(10:27)  **I have to live with you, I should reap some benefit, brother.** **  
**

(10:28) **And I dunno, probably. Why?** **  
**

(10:30) Laugh it up, Al!! I should start my own vine and just post videos of you alternating between cooing at cats on reddit and stalking Mei's FB

(10:31) Ooh, actually, NO, I should tell LING you stalk his little sister's FB and see how that goes; I bet Lan Fan is well versed in disemboweling dudes, hey ??

(10:33) **Oh, ha ha.**

(10:35)  **What the heck, Ed, why'd you just throw quarters at me? It's no wonder all the teachers think you're a lunatic!**

(10:37) Go on a quest for one of those pay phones, so you can call someone who maybe gives two rips about your bullshit

(10:40)  **You**

(10:42)  **There is something wrong with you, brother.**

(10:44)  **How is it, exactly, you tricked Winry into asking you out? Do you harass her with outdated, dumb jokes like that too? If so, I think it's pretty likely that her flirting is a front so she can meet you to brain you.**

(10:47) Oh, whatever, that was hilarious. Just because you have no sense of humor ...!

(10:49)  **I worry for the day you reproduce.**

(10:52) Fuck off

(10:55)  **Maybe I'll call Winry, and paint her a picture of your nutcase character. I think she deserves to know what she's getting herself into.**

(11:00) Don't you fucking dare

(11:02)  **I'll tell her about the time you locked me in the garage in my car seat and Mom had to call a locksmith...**

(11:04) What-fucking-ever, I was TWO

(11:06)  **Mmm, well what about when you pushed me out of the treehouse last summer and I broke my arm?**

(11:08) That wasn't on purpose !!! You were throwing fucking marbles at me, I was just reacting!

(11:10)  **With physical violence, tsk tsk.**

(11:12) Like YOU can call anyone else out on THAT

(11:13) You pushed me off my bike and into a ditch that one time

(11:14) Did a full body flip another time over who got a fucking ice cream sandwich first

(11:15) Not to mention when we were at Dad's friend's farm and you shoved me off the fence into the pigpen

(11:17) **Little brothers have to be on the defense! Big brothers can't be trusted.**

(11:19) Seriously though, all that but I'M the shit disturbing one

(11:22)  **It's nobody's fault but yours that you're about as subtle as the Hulk wreaking havoc in New York.**

(11:23)  **You need to employ less overt rage, more quiet cunning. And, you know. /Patience/ doesn't hurt, either.**

(11:25) You say that like I go around smacking people unprovoked

(11:27)  **Well...**

(11:29) Oh, fuck off

(11:31) Give me a little more credit than that, you make me sound like a caricature

(11:33)  **You woke me up to punch me at dumb o'clock, /brother/, because the girl you like found funny videos of you on the internet.**

(11:35) Uuuugggghhhhh, I hate you

(11:37) **Aaaaaaaand now** **we've come full circle. Time to quit while we're ahead!**

(11:38)  **Are you going to come study later?**

(11:40) Yeah, sometime after lunch

(11:42)  **Cool.**

(11:44)  **Hey, Ed?**

(11:47) Yeah ??

(11:49)  **If you throw more quarters at me, I'll start vine-ing your naked baby pictures.**

(11:51) Duly noted

(11:52) Dick

 

***

 

Sunday Afternoon, October 26th

(12:15) Al wants to suck face with your baby sis

(12:16) Thought you ought to know

(12:18)  **What, like that's a secret, Edward?**

(12:20) God damn it

(12:22)  **You Elrics are as transparent as cellophane. The only real difference between the two of you in keeping secrets is that Alphonse stammers and /attempts/ redirection, whereas YOU just default to**   **obscenities.**

(12:24) Oh, go fuck yourself, Dickling

(12:26)  **Case. Point. It's also wonderfully easy to make you both blush.**

(12:28)  **How is your Winry friend, Edward? Are you still willing to go to war for her breasts? Is she as "fucking pretty" as ever? I /do/ hope I get the chance to meet her someday.**

(12:30) Over my dead body, asshole

(12:32)  **That's rather extreme, but then you've never been one to behave rationally, have you?**

(12:34)  **Speaking of which, why on Earth did you have so much shaving cream in your possession, Edward? The good lord knows that your supple, baby face has never known the touch of a razor. Did you borrow it all from your girlfriend?**

(12:36) You trying to goad me again, fuckface? It ain't happening

(12:38)  **Oh, goodness, no. Just successfully one-upping someone who never thinks through the shit he tries to instigate.**

(12:40) Pfffffffffffffffft WHATEVER

(12:42) Enjoy the smarmy smirk I'm sure you're sporting, I'll be wiping it off your face soon enough

(12:44)  **Good luck with that, my dear.**

(12:46)  **I'm tutoring this afternoon, Edward, so please keep your revenge-plotting out of the library.**

(12:48) Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk

(12:49) I'm going to sucker punch you while you sleep

(12:51)  **A deal is a deal, my angry little friend.** **  
**

(12:54) I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S A PEA-SIZED SPEC, YOU SELF-CENTERED PIECE OF SHIT

(12:55) FORGET YOUR BROKEN NOSE, I'LL PUNCH THAT SCHNOZ CLEAN OFF YOUR UGLY FACE

(12:57)  **You do that.**

(12:58)  **Just not in the library.**

(1:00) ARGH

 

***

 

Sunday Afternoon, October 26th

(1:04) I can't come to the library, Dickling is tutoring

(1:06)  **Funny you should mention Ling, brother! I just received his text-blessing in pursuing Mei.**

(1:07) **WHAT** **an ironic day it has been!**

(1:09) Like you weren't asking for it

(1:10) WHATEVER

(1:11) You have fun doing physics by yourself; I'm going to the mall

(1:13) **What? Why? No more pranks until Halloween, brother, please?!**

(1:15) I'm not getting shit for pranks

(1:16) I need to look for a costume

(1:17) Plus, idk

(1:18) I thought I might look for something different to wear to the Hanson show

(1:20)  **AW!!!**

(1:22) Oh fuck right off, Al

(1:24) **Absolutely not!! I've never seen you so worked up over a girl, Ed! It's ADORABLE.**

(1:26) Christ, I just don't want to look like a jackass

(1:28) It's not a big deal

(1:30)  **Oh, mmm, YEAH RIGHT.**

(1:32)  **THAT'S what you said when you started talking to her, and now you're going on a DATE with her, so EXCUSE ME but it's TOTALLY a big deal!!**

(1:34) Jesus

(1:35) If I bring back pie will you shut the hell up about it

(1:35) ??

(1:37)  **...**

(1:37)  **Only if it's apple pie.**

(1:39) Done deal

(1:40) I'll be back before supper, we can study after that I guess

(1:42)  **Sounds good.**

(1:43)  **Have fun, brother!**

 

*******

 

Sunday Afternoon, October 26th

(1:55) wiiiiinnnnnnrrrrryyyyyyyy

(1:58) _No_.

(2:00) you don't even know what i'm going to say!!

(2:02) _I sat on my butt in the woods last night, /alone/, while you had a drunk make-out session._

(2:04) _The Winry Rockbell Favor Reservoir is bone dry, Paninya. And besides, I have a date with my bed, Netflix, chai tea, and coconut chocolate pocky._

(2:06) :((((((((((((((((((

(2:06) plllllleeeeeaaaasssseeee hear me out????

(2:08) _Nope!_

(2:10) she asked me out!!! i have nothing to wear!!!

(2:11) i don't know what's cheerleader appropriate!! i dress like a bum!!!

(2:14) _PFFT. You do NOT. And what the hell is 'cheerleader appropriate'? Pom poms? You can borrrow a mini-skirt if you like._

(2:16) wiiiiiinnnnnrrrryyyyy

(2:18) _I can hear the irritating whine in your voice from here._

(2:20) heeeelp meeeeeeee

(2:24) _I don't know why you think abusing the English language will help your cause._

(2:26) i am pouting

(2:27) i am pouting so hard

(2:29) _That's nice._

(2:31) what if i buy you lunch

(2:33) whatever lunch you want

(2:34) plus starbucks

(2:36) and more pocky

(2:38) and i won't goad you into running for a week

(2:41) _Jesus._

(2:43) _Want to throw in college tuition and a brand new car too, Bob Barker?_

(2:45) aw c'mon, win, please??? i'm desperate here

(2:48) _Make it a month free of running, and I'll bite._

(2:50) you'll regret that, but deal

(2:52) _I want New York Fries. And I'm wearing sweatpants._

(2:55) gross

(2:56) i grudgingly accept, but refuse to interfere when the fashion police come for you

(2:59) _They can kiss my butt and so can you. I'll be over in 15 minutes._

 

***

 

 Sunday Afternoon, October 26th

(3:34)  _I am upset._

(3:36) You didn't actually sleep in until now, did you

(3:38) BC if so I have no sympathy, no matter what you're upset about

(3:41)  _Oh gosh, no; Granny had me up at ten and we did some car work._

(3:43) Sensible

(3:45) So then why are you upset

(3:47)  _Paninya._

(3:49) Haha, that's becoming a little too common an answer

(3:51) Are you chaperoning a date for her again

(3:52) Are you in the middle of a moon-eye-making sandwich RIGHT NOW

(3:55)  _Thankfully, no._

(3:56)  _But I have been bribed to help her pick out new clothes for her date._

(3:58) Bribed, eh

(4:00)  _Oh, yeah. I didn't give up without acquiring some dece swag, my friend._

(4:02) 'dece swag' sounds like a phrase an old person trying to be cool would say

(4:04) Like Steve Buscemi in that one episode of 30 Rock

(4:05) 

(4:07)  _EEDT #5: Compare her to Steve Buscemi._

(4:09) Oh for

(4:10) MOVING ON

(4:11) Please elaborate on your 'dece swag', teenage comrade

(4:13)  _You're ridiculous._

(4:15)  _I'm getting Starbucks, pocky, and a get out of jail free card for a MONTH from running._

(4:17) Sweet

(4:18)  _We were supposed to get lunch first, but parking at the mall is up its own ass today, so we had to start at the west wing. We went in through Barnes and Noble and that is a terribly distracting place._

(4:19) _I have finally dragged her to the food court where I'm apparently having an early dinner instead of a late lunch._

(4:21)  _New York Fries large veggie works, aw yeah._

 

***

 

Winry didn't want to be at the mall, but not wanting to be there wasn't going to stop her from enjoying every mouthful of one of her favorite junky indulgences: Deep-fried french fries covered in cheese sauce, sour cream, tomatoes, and green onions. Seriously, what  _wasn't_ good about that?

Paninya eyed the cashier suspiciously as she paid, mumbling under her breath about fats and carbs and grease. All-in-all, Winry found that pretty rich coming from someone who ordered triple grande caramel macchiatos with  _whipped cream_ and  _extra caramel_ , but ignored her friend studiously, a pleased smile plastered across her face. If Pan wanted to drag her away from an afternoon of purposeless bliss, then this was, really, mild punishment. Winry  _had_ shown up, as promised, in purple sweat pants, her pink, Thor [Toki Doki](https://www.google.ca/search?q=thor+tokidoki&newwindow=1&sa=X&rlz=2C1DVCJ_enCA0537CA0538&biw=1366&bih=704&tbm=isch&imgil=BJQ2u0VaT4k5_M%253A%253BtHJmJDZZNWvQZM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.thisnext.com%25252Fitem%25252F88F45F25%25252FTokidoki-for-Marvel-Thor&source=iu&pf=m&fir=BJQ2u0VaT4k5_M%253A%252CtHJmJDZZNWvQZM%252C_&usg=__mpI4Q9vjyApTLHNRCS4R2bnmGms%3D&ved=0CCoQyjc&ei=O61hVKfUA8rvigKuo4GQDQ#facrc=_&imgdii=BJQ2u0VaT4k5_M%3A%3B-YA9nak-YqYOhM%3BBJQ2u0VaT4k5_M%3A&imgrc=BJQ2u0VaT4k5_M%253A%3BtHJmJDZZNWvQZM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fs6.thisnext.com%252Fmedia%252Flargest_dimension%252F45E13DF8.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.thisnext.com%252Fitem%252F88F45F25%252FTokidoki-for-Marvel-Thor%3B317%3B317) shirt on under a beige cable-knit cardigan that was probably three-sizes too big for her. She'd also crammed her un-brushed hair into a messy bun on top of her head, and was wearing flip flops (to Granny's vocal chagrin when she'd left the house). Winry would savor the look on Paninya's face at the sight of her get-up for years to come, just like she would  _audibly_ savor her fries in hopes of a similar reaction. Winry's life was full to the brim of to-dos and to-bes; it was nice to be lazy and permissive once in a while, and better still to annoy Paninya while she was at it. Winry was perhaps especially vindictive today because Paninya was fawning like a punch-drunk preteen, expecting coddling assistance, where in traded places she'd stolen Winry's phone and manically texted Ed about his attractiveness. Or, well, about Winry's opinion  _on_ his attractiveness. It just didn't seem fair somehow, so she got her jabs and irritations in where she could. 

When she and Paninya had arrived at the mall, Winry realized that she had yet to text Ed that day, like she said she would. That in itself was odd; she normally texted him early and automatically. Then again, Granny had shaken her awake earlier than Winry had intended to be so that morning, and she had left her phone in her bedroom while working in the shop. She had been getting ready to text him when Paninya had interjected with her pleas for assistance. Having waited until now at least ensured that Ed would, likely, keep a smile on her face until she could escape the confines of the mall and return to the euphoric solitude of her bedroom. Maybe she could call Ed then, and talk him into using [rabb.it](https://rabb.it/) with her to sync watch something on Netflix, something she had been thinking about suggesting for a while. Hopefully he wouldn't be busy; something like that would probably be a lot of fun for the both of them. They seemed to have similar taste in TV, and were both dry enough that their commentating was sure to be engaging and hilarious. 

Ed was probably studying now; Winry got the impression that Ed spent a LOT of his free time studying, and for things he wasn't even learning about in school. She vaguely wondered if it was weird that she found that sort of focus incredibly attractive, but she also wasn't sure that it mattered. The more time that passed, and the more time she spent talking with him, the less Winry cared about how weird the situation might seem to anyone outside of it. Ed was right; to hell with convention. Just because their approach was unusual, that didn't make the relationship they were building, or their feelings, any less valid. So far as unconventionality went, Edward wasn't the sort of guy that Winry had imagined herself falling for, either; he had a temper, swore too much, pulled lame pranks just because, and was just so...  _brash_ _._ She'd also never imagined that she'd be so into someone she'd never actually met face-to-face.None of those things stopped her from thinking about him all the time, though; if anything they made her think about him more.Said thoughts made her irrationally happy, and whenever she talked with him she found that her cheeks hurt from smiling. Who was Winry to deny how he made her feel, or his reciprocation?

After paying for her lunch, Paninya had wandered off in search of sushi, leaving Winry with the task of finding them somewhere to sit once her food was ready. After the cashier set the fries on her tray with a smile, and Winry had thanked her happily, she turned and evaluated the ocean of tables and chairs. The food court was packed, and so she squinted for vacancies with no success. She started slowly making her way through the aisles, carefully scanning the crowds but also keeping an eye on Paninya, who was skeptically surveying Wok Bok. She got stalled beside a set of waste bins as one of the mall's custodial employees began emptying and stacking trays, and changing the bag in the garbage can, but spied an empty table as she slowly and awkwardly sidled by his cart.

 

***

 

The mall sucked. Not that that was news.

It wasn't even Halloween yet, and already Christmas decorations were inching into the mall's decor. The miniature village that would ultimately house Santa for photographs was already set up near the exit for the north parking lot, and ginormous, blue, glittery-ass snowflakes were dangling from all the skylights. On top of that _,_ Ed had seen about eight posters (so far) purporting mall money as the perfect stocking stuffer, all juxtaposed with stores advertising 'Bewitching Deals!' and 'Spooktacular Savings!'. Seeing such a disconcerting mix of spiders and snowmen irritated the hell out of him, and not for the first time in his life, Ed wondered why the shit the mass media couldn't give up just a  _little_  of its multi-season money-making for the sake of holidays not blending so gross-ly together. The fact that Ed found tree ornaments around every corner, but couldn't find a fake fu manchu to save his life, made him want to light miniature Santa Clauses on fire in protest. It was the 26th of October, for fuck's sake!

(At least they weren't blaring Christmas music.  _Yet_.)

Frustrated (bordering on  _I-want-to-punch-somebody)_  AND starving, Ed had made the decision to relocate to the food court to grab a four-piece meal at Sizzling Wok. He needed a break from the sweaty-and-irritable masses--seriously, what the heck was it about  _malls_ that brought out the miserable shit in  _everybody_?--and time to reconsider his costume ideas given what was available to him. When Winry  _finally_ texted him he was angrily shoveling forkfuls of fried rice into his mouth, people-watching and making strings of grumpy observations about mob-mentality and the benefits of introversion. Ed felt a grin spread across his face at the sight of her name on his notification screen, and then was suddenly struck by just how completely and utterly crazy it was that she had that effect on him at all. Winry snuck into and overtook his thoughts almost constantly, and while it seemed like too much power to give someone he'd never actually met, the sound of her voice, her dry humor, and the  _idea_  of her  _smiling_  at him, flipped his stomach fully over and crammed it straight up into his throat. The closer they got to actually meeting, the more terrified Ed became that the way he had her built up in his mind, despite the growing familiarity in their conversations, would get in the way of him seeing her for who she really was. Perspective-wise, it seemed a whole hell of a lot easier to meet people in person and judge their body language off the get-go than to have compounded opportunities to let your imagination run wild. Winry, at least, had had the benefit of  _actually_  seeing him on a bad day, unguarded and emotional, even from a distance. Ed had seen a slew of Facebook pictures, sure, but wasn't convinced for a minute that any photograph out there had the ability to properly demonstrate everything about Winry's personality he'd come to be, honestly, sort of obsessed with. (Which... couldn't be healthy.) As much as he was learning to absolutely hate the word, nothing suited the situation better: It was all just so  _weird._

That only meant, naturally, that it was due to get weirder.

Ed multi-tasked in responding to Winry and scarfing down food, and was leaning back with his chair on two legs, plate empty, by the time she'd started talking about her swag. Christ she was adorable. He slurped down an extra-large Pepsi that he knew would elicit a frown from Al when Ed told him about his dinner later, smiling around the straw like a doofus, internally chastising himself for being completely and utterly wrapped around this--for all intents and purposes--stranger's finger. He was getting side-eyed by the adults around him, presumably for his embodiment of their opinions on why teenagers were idiots, and for the example he supposed he was setting for little kids (a number of whom were watching him and his chair with expressions crossed between awe and anxiety). Between talking to Winry and successfully balancing himself backward without using his hands, Ed was irrationally pleased with himself in the moment. As such, he was fully caught off-guard when he received Winry's text stating she was at the mall; a slack-jawed Ed immediately lost his balance, crashed backward into the empty chair and table behind him, yelped  _loudly_ , and dumped Pepsi all over himself.

Incredibly red in the face from embarrassment, Ed pulled himself up to his feet quickly, pointedly avoiding the self-satisfied looks of the adults around him, including one woman who loudly muttered "Serves you right." Ignoring his own soaking hoodie for a moment, he grabbed napkins off of his tray and started mopping up the mess he'd made on the floor. Thankfully his own clothing had caught the brunt of it, so it didn't take much to clean up the rest. The floor would probably be sticky, but someone was liable to come along with a mop eventually. Ed set his now empty drink on his table and surveyed himself with a sigh, rubbing the back of his head where he'd smacked it on the floor.

He'd worn a pretty usual combination of clothing: His black jeans and brown belt, his blue, zip-up, 'Amestris Royal Martial Arts' hoodie on over an old, ratty [Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt](http://shirtoid.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/tmnt-names.jpg). It felt like the hoodie had soaked up most of the soda, but he could feel that the bottom of his shirt was clinging to his stomach too. It was getting to be too cold outside to think of trekking back to school in wet clothing, which meant that he'd have to stop somewhere and buy a new hoodie before he left. Which needed to be soon if he was going to catch the bus and then check-in on time. So much for his costume and the idea of a new dress shirt; his allowance wouldn't cover everything.

Ed sighed irritably and audibly, and started unzipping his sweatshirt. Pulling it off he slung it over his arm, then picked up his tray to dispose of in passing. He glanced around nervously, hoping almost irrationally that Winry had meant a different mall than this one (very doubtful; besides Briggs Park there were only strip malls in Central City, not to mention the fact that Winry went to school at St Leto's, which meant she probably lived close by), or that, at the very least, she was already seated and eating somewhere far away from him so that he could duck out quickly. It wasn't that he didn't want to see or meet her; he really, really, _really_  did. Ed just wasn't particularly interested in having their first encounter happen while he was dressed slobby (and, now, covered in Pepsi), with her friend joining in. They weren't expecting one another. They weren't  _prepared_. They had something pretty much perfect already lined up and anticipated for; how awkward would it be to just casually say 'oh I'm here too, can I come shopping with you' and infringe on her personal space, or worse yet, maybe give her the idea that he was following her around or something? No, no, it was better that he just slink out quietly, make an excuse for his lack of immediate response to her texting, and then pretend that this glowing and terrifying opportunity had never come to pass.

When he turned to move toward the waste-bin, though, that thought was gone.

Winry Rockbell was about six feet away from him, and he nearly threw-up his sesame chicken.

"Oh crap," he said, eyes going wide. His heart made a solid effort to leap out through his eyeballs, and his mouth went suddenly dry.

"Ed?" was her quiet reply. She looked a little dumbstruck, and who could blame her? She also looked impossibly beautiful, more-so than anything Ed's wildest dreams could've come up with. She was blushing, and Ed felt his own face grow hot as he struggled to remember how to talk.

"Uh," he managed, and he wondered if he looked as terrified as he felt. "Hi. Winry," he continued, feeling frozen in place. The rest poured out like word vomit: "I. Um. This isn't. I mean. I'm. This isn't what it looks like, I'm not  _stalking_ you, or anything. I. I couldn't go to the library because of Ling and so I came here to get a costume and uh. Now you're here. Ugh. Fuck. Seriously, I'm sorry. I swear I'm not trying to be creepy."

She cocked her head ever-so-slightly to the side, surveying him with something akin to wonder. Or, perhaps, revulsion; Ed felt so detached from his senses it was impossible to know for sure what he was seeing. Besides, how easy was it to project things? She smiled slightly. He died a little.

"You idiot," she said, smile stretching into a grin.

"H-huh?" he countered, startled.

 "You're so transparent," she continued, and he choked back an automatic 'fuck you'--that was twice today he'd been called transparent, for the love of shit--closing his eyes and shaking his head. When he opened them again, she set down her tray of food and moved slowly closer to him, looking shy and brave at the same time. "I don't believe for a second that you're shrewd enough to quietly stalk me." She looked down at his shirt. He contemplated melting into the floor. "Why are you wet?"

There was no God, and his insides had turned into a yo-yo. "I dumped pop all over myself. When you said you were here."

She snorted.

He couldn't help himself. He started smiling. "That's the cutest fucking thing, Win."

Her cheeks went redder.

"Your cuteness combined is bordering on gross," came a voice from behind Winry, who immediately stopped smiling and rolled her eyes. An olive-skinned girl with a tight, black ponytail was standing immediately behind her, wearing cargo pants, a jean jacket over a black shirt, and a smile that could only be described as shit-eating. "Is this actually happening right now? Is this your asshole?"

"Oh my  _God_ , Paninya," Winry said, without turning around, and Ed felt whole new worlds of embarrassment open up to him. She met his eyes. " _Yes_ ," she said, with a hint of warning, but she started smiling again.

"So much for shopping!" Paninya said, and sighed exaggeratedly. "Guess I'll go eat my sushi by myself, since it's obvious that the two of you want to keep being awkward mooks, and I'm really not into third-wheeling that." Winry growled, and Paninya cackled. "Be safe, children!"

 "Ugh. Geez. I'm sorry, seriously," Winry said, and Ed smirked, shaking his head.

"Eh, don't worry about it. Al'd be being a lot more annoying than that if he was here." Ed shrugged. "That's the trouble with people who know you well, they also know how to get a rise."

"Yeah."

They stood quietly for a few seconds. Ed didn't quite know what to do with himself.

Winry cleared her throat, still smiling. "Want to, um. Want to join me? I mean. I'm not. I'm not going to lie, this isn't how I imagined us meeting each other, but. Um. It's probably  _better_ that we don't get more time to romanticize it? Like. You know. Build it into something. That could suck. I mean. I wish I was wearing something other than sweats, and that I hadn't spent the entire morning tuning a greasy transmission, but... yeah." She giggled. "Plus my food's getting cold, and sorry, but," she gestured to her tray. " _That's_ the reason I left the house today."

"Oh, uh. Sure?" Ed said. 

 He took a moment to throw away his garbage and set aside his tray. When he came back to the table, Winry was already sitting down, and had started in happily on her fries. "These are seriously the  _best_ _,"_ she said. "Have you ever had this before?" Ed shook his head. She pulled a fry straight out of the center, dripping with cheese sauce and sour cream, and offered it to him. "You  _have_ to try. Just one, though, I'm not a good share-er." Dubiously he leaned in. She put the fry in his mouth.

"Well," he said, after chewing and swallowing. "You really can't go wrong covering anything with cheese."

Winry wrinkled her nose. "Well, no, I think some things would still taste pretty gross. Like cheese covered...  _sponges_ _,_ or like, cupcakes with cheese on them or something."

"Don't some people put cheese slices on apple pie?"

"Weird people, maybe"

Ed laughed. "I read somewhere that, back in medieval times, people used to eat hard cheese after a meal because it aided in digestion."

"So, what, people just started cutting out a step?" Winry asked, raising her eyebrows. "They put cheese on pie to save on time?"

"Dunno," Ed shrugged. "Maybe? But there are definitely weirder food combinations out there than cheese and pie. Ones that lots of people swear by."

"Like what?"

"Uh. Bacon and ice cream? Though that's pretty tame. Grilled cheese sandwiches with peanut butter? Al loves those." Winry pulled a face. "I know, right? I think it's disgusting, but it's one of his favorite things in the world. Uh. Ooh, Dad puts balsamic vinegar on watermelon. That's pretty fucked up."

"Gross."

"I've also heard of lots of people putting fresh, cracked pepper on strawberries."

"Ick," Winry said, then smiled. "What about fish fingers and custard?"

"Ha, well, that's probably just Time Lords. I've never tried it myself, nor do I want to."

Ed felt like he was having an out of body experience. After weeks of texting, and especially after their last two nights of phone calls, it was really bizarre to find himself here, at such a mundane place as the _mall_ , sitting across from Winry and watching her eat french fries. He drank her in as they talked, worried that, if this did turn out to be a very hyper-realistic dream, he wouldn't remember every detail. She had freckles on her nose. Her ears were full of piercings, studded with some really interesting jewelry. Her hair was the color of sunshine. Her smiles were bright and indulgent, even the little ones. She was watching him with interest, only somewhat critically, her blue eyes dancing with whatever she was thinking to herself about him, about the situation. She ate with her right hand, the left casually resting on the table, fingers curled slightly inward. Her nails were painted bright, limey green. He debated whether or not he should cover her hand with his.

"So. You decided on a Halloween costume?"

"Nah," he answered, trying to keep his cool, eyes still darting to her hand like it was an unanswered question. "I was going to do Hulk Hogan, but I haven't been able to find a fake, blond mustache to save my life. But, hey, if you're looking for penguin tree ornaments, I saw like 80 different kinds today."

"Oh, good!" Winry answered brightly. "At least there's variety. I hate it when I'm stuck with only five penguins to choose from."

"They must've got your angrily worded letter."

"Hey, now, I  _very_ politely told the mall owners that their lack of penguin ornaments was a complete and total travesty. I only threatened to take my patronage elsewhere if they didn't shape up. And to break all the polar bear ones, natch."

"Whatever the wording, good on you for succeeding," Ed said. "I hope that makes you...  _pen-grin._ "

Winry almost choked on a fry. "Oh,  _no_."

"Oh,  _yes,_ " Ed replied, then laughed fake-manically. "What do you call a penguin in the desert?"

" _Edward._ "

"No. The answer is: _Lost_. What's black and white and goes round and round?"

"You're the worst."

"A penguin in a revolving door. What do penguins like to eat?"

"Hopefully you. Can take you to the zoo and put you out of your misery?"

"Nope, and you're wrong. The eat brrrrrrrrr-ittos." Ed was grinning like an idiot.

"You look ridiculous. And why on  _earth_ do you know so many penguin jokes?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. Why do you know so many dick jokes?"

She narrowed her eyes. He grinned wider. "Edward Elric Dating Tip Number Six," she said, and he groaned. "Inundate her with penguin jokes."

"You say that like you don't love it." Ed paused. "Where do penguins keep their money?"

"Lemme guess, a snow bank?"

"Ding ding ding! See, this is totally wooing you. You're completely and utterly wooed right now, I can see it."

"Oh, yeah," Winry answered, rolling her eyes. "So totally wooed. You Casanova, you."

He was about to come back with a comment about not wanting to woo the masses, or become the next historically lauded man-whore, but the alarm on his phone started ringing. "Shit," he said, reaching forward to swipe it off. He looked at Winry apologetically. "Sorry, I gotta go. I have to catch the bus so I get back up there on time." He didn't want to. He wanted to stay, try the banter thing a bit more, maybe even progress to something less frivolous than shitty jokes. He wanted time to work up the courage to touch her. He was stuck, though, plus he'd already spent his new hoodie grabbing time, and would have to head back in a wet sweater whether he wanted to or not. Not that ten minutes of Winry wasn't worth it or anything. It totally was.

"Oh! Right, your sign-in thing. Three hours, right?" Ed nodded. Winry's smile became a little sad. "Lame," she continued, and sighed. "I see how it is, Ed. Make jokes and run. _Cad_."

"I'll keep my cadding to a minimum next time, pinky swear," he said and got up, swinging his damp hoodie around to pull it on. He zipped it up. "It. Um. It was really cool to--  _good_ to see you, Winry. Great, even." He grinned. "I'll see you again soon, though, right?"

"Hey, now, don't think you're getting away that easily," she said, and hopped up, startling him completely by pulling him into a tight hug. Initially he tensed, but, with minimal blushing, relaxed slightly after a split-second and put his arms around her. "It was good to see you too. I. Uh. You ever hear of rabbit?" She asked, pulling back.

"What, like the woodland creatures?"

"Ha, no, it's an app for people syncing shows and stuff together, on like YouTube and Netflix or whatever, so that you can watch something with someone who's not with you. I. You probably have homework, or whatever, but if you're not busy... d'you want to maybe watch something together tonight?"

"That's a thing? Huh. Yeah, cool, I'd be into that. I might have to help Al with something first, but. Yeah. Sounds good."

They pulled fully out of embracing. Ed grabbed one of Winry's hands as he walked backward, taking the opportunity to squeeze her fingers. He blushed spectacularly. "Talk to you later!" he said, smiled, and then bolted, knowing he'd have to move pretty fast to make it to the east entrance to catch his bus.

"Bye!" Winry called after him, waving, red-faced herself, and beaming.

 

***

 

Sunday Evening, October 26th

(5:37) I don't have pie

(5:39)  **I'm disowning you.**

(5:42) I ran into Winry, though

(5:45)  **Holy smokes, brother!**

(5:46)  **How was that?**

(5:48) Ridiculous

(5:49) Awesome

(5:51) Idek, just

(5:52) How does it ever go when I'm involved

(5:54) **Don't be so lame. She didn't tell you to never speak to her again, did she?**

(5:56) No

(5:57) We hugged

(5:59) After I told penguin jokes like a tool

(6:00) I'm suave like Dad, for God's sake

(6:02)  **We both know I got whatever cool there was to get, which isn't saying much.**

(6:04) Uuuuugh

(6:06)  **Don't beat yourself up, Ed. I'm sure it was fine! A hug's great!**

(6:07)  **If she didn't hit you, or tell you to never talk to her again, all is well.**

(6:09) She's gorgeous

(6:10) I was covered in Pepsi. I fell and dumped it all over myself

(6:13)  **That's what you get for drinking it in the first place. Teacher would smack you around, if she knew.**

(6:14)  **I'm going to try and get this done so I can talk to you once you're back.**

(6:16)  **Think happy thoughts, brother.**

(6:17) Oh god

(6:18) We're going to watch something together on Netflix tonight

(6:19) Winry and me, I mean

(6:20) There's some kind of app that syncs things

(6:22)  **Neat.**

(6:24)  **All the more reason to stay positive!**

(6:25) I don't need to smile like even more of an idiot

(6:26) The rest of the people on this bus probably think I'm a serial killer

(6:28) **I doubt that. And sure there is! PLUS look at this way: I bet all that smiling is a nice change of pace for your face, given it's usually set at 'murderous intent'!**

(6:30) You are not nice

(6:32)  **Don't tell lies. Play Candy Crush or something, give your brain a break. I'll see you soon.**

 

***

 

Sunday Evening, October 26th

(8:01)  _I have finally been released from Paninya's clutches. She is as prepared for her date as she will ever be, and I am ZONKED._

(8:03)  _I hope you're in the mood for something mindless._ _  
_

(8:04) I'm up for whatever

(8:06)  _Cool! I'm going to make some tea, then I'll give you a call?_

(8:08) Sounds good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- [Some notes on the story](http://hangonsilvergirl.tumblr.com/post/102153083564/its-not-a-big-deal-universe-info), as promised. More soon, probably.
> 
> \- I've gotten a lot of great feedback/love in the last little while; thank you all SO MUCH for, first of all, taking the time to read my silly little story, but also taking the time to let me know you're enjoying it. Comments and kudos keep me writing. :)


	12. Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- ' Plain Text' is Ed  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya

Monday Morning, October 27th

Whenever Edward put on his uniform, he felt like a little kid playing dress-up.

You’d think that, after three years of wearing the damn thing, he’d be at least a little bit used to it. Not so much. When he looked in the mirror he felt disconnected from himself, like he was a caricature in some alternate reality version of his own life, one that just wasn’t _quite_ right. It wasn’t like Royal Amestris was _actually_ militarized in any capacity; the uniforms and standards were as much a form of discipline and herding as any public school’s dress code and policies, just paraded as patriotic tradition and character building. Ed liked the discipline. Everybody everywhere could use more discipline in a world of instant gratification, where absolutely everything was in high demand AND readily available. Ed had a temper, sure, and did dumb shit a lot of the time, but he wasn’t half as hotheaded as he might be given a little more slack on the leash, or slightly lower expectations. _That_ , and if Hohenheim wasn’t paying out the ass for him and Al to be there, he guessed. Hard to say ‘fuck you’ to the system with your dad giving you every opportunity to exceed your own expectations in adult life. Ed had always had work ethic, and determination bordering on irrational stubbornness. Private military school just made him more accountable to himself, and to his brother and father as well.

Which was why he pranked. It was a lot of pressure to deal with sometimes, and passing time mindlessly watching TV shows and movies or playing video games just… wasn’t always enough. Sometimes he needed to get a rise, indulge in a cackle of satisfaction at something well-planned and even better executed. He lived for the looks on the teacher’s faces when they knew he was responsible for something but couldn’t prove shit. They were always so fucking busy overloading homework, trying to act like adulthood was some superior sort of nirvana that, when you reached it, would completely erase or nullify what it meant to be young, and overwhelmed, and _angry_. He was seventeen years old and people expected him to know who he wanted to be, what he wanted to do. Ed had been asked the questions so many times, and by people who clearly felt he _owed_ them some sort of articulate and inspired answer, simply because he was intelligent. He didn’t know what he wanted to do _tomorrow_ , never mind for the rest of his God damn _life_. It was a stupid cycle that was just being perpetuated generation after generation. They’d never talked about it, really, but Ed figured that that was why Al and Ling and Lan Fan pranked too. The faculty and their families all seemed to think that if the four of them weren’t overdoing it, then they were wasting their lives. When were they supposed to _sleep_ , let alone _breathe_?

At least he wasn’t Ling; Ed didn’t know how his friend managed to keep up such an upbeat persona when he knew that Ling’s dad had family dynasty expectations that were held in higher regard than anything Ling might believe in or want for himself. Comparatively, Hohenheim just wanted Ed and Al to go to Xerxes, and not even really for selfish reasons (Amestris Royal was family tradition, and so might Xerxes become if he and Al went, thought Ed didn’t really get the impression that that was Dad’s hangup), but because it would, truthfully, be easier for the two of them if they did. Al would probably end up going there. Ed wasn’t sure that he wanted to give in so easily.

Ed surveyed himself in the full-length mirror on the back of the door, and sighed irritably at his reflection. It was just before 8 AM on a fucking Monday morning. It was way too early and way too _stupid_ to be having an existential crisis over his ugly, piece of shit uniform. He straightened his jacket and tie, fixed his beret on his head, and then turned to find Alphonse looking at him weird.

“What?”

“Oh-- nothing, brother,” Al said. He picked up Ed’s bag from the floor (all Amestris Royal students had leather satchels that were, essentially, fancy laptop bags with the school crest embroidered on them; they were part of the uniform. You never saw a student at AR with a backpack slung over their shoulder), and handed it to his brother. “Just. You know. If looks could kill, you would’ve just murdered yourself.”

Ed rolled his eyes. “Whatever,” he said, and made to leave the room with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Do you have an angry zit between your eyes or something?” Al asked, following him out. “Or are you just extra grumpy today because you were up until 2 AM talking to _Winry_?”

“Oh, shut up,” Ed answered lamely, the retort lacking its usual bite or enthusiasm. Ed really didn’t care that much. He wasn’t grumpy _because_ of Winry, but he was definitely more tired than he wanted to be, and he absolutely _had_ stayed up later than he should’ve.

Al fell in step beside him. “What were you even talking about for that long?”

Ed shrugged. “I dunno. We started watching Bravest Warriors on YouTube, and then Bee and Puppycat. It sort of… degenerated into general nerd-lore from there, because we started talking about Adventure Time.”

“Ah,” Al said, nodding, and Ed supposed that his brother found that to be an at least moderately acceptable excuse for Ed depriving himself of sleep. It was easy to get carried away when it came to extended and involved universes; he and Al had stayed up until 3 AM one night the previous summer talking about Star Wars. It was just one of those things that happened sometimes. “Wow, brother. I’m starting to think that changing my phone number is one of the best things I could've ever done for you.”

Ed’s face grew hot and his frown deepened.

“Oh _c’mon_ , I’m just _teasing_ ,” Al said, and shoved Ed with his shoulder. “I’m really happy for you, Ed. She seems pretty awesome. If you’re going to keep seeing her, though, you’re gonna have to stop turning beet red every time someone mentions her name. It’s not going to be an endearing reaction forever; eventually people are going to think that something’s wrong with you. _We don’t want that secret to get out_.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ed mumbled, and Al tutted at his lack of joking back. They reached the hallway where they’d split for classes. “We’re running this afternoon, right? I gotta work off that ginger beef from yesterday.”

“Yeah, definitely. I caught up on my homework yesterday, so I should just have today’s for tonight,” Al answered, and began backing away toward his English class. “See you then, brother. Stop being such a rain-cloud in the meantime. Text Winry, I’m sure that’ll improve your mood!”

Edward rolled his eyes again.

“Keep doing that and they’ll stick in the back of your head!” Al called back cheerfully. He waved, then disappeared around a corner.

Ed resisted the urge to flip Al off, then, once he was gone, pulled out his phone and did exactly what his brother had suggested.  
  
  
***  
  
  
(7:50) We gotta cap our discussions about fictional realities at like, midnight or something

(7:51) I’m so fucking tired rn

(7:54) _I feel you, Ed, I feel you._

(7:55) _On the bright side, I am pleased to have an ally in the Bubbline ship. That alone is worth the extra cup of coffee this morning!_

(7:57) You are easy to please, for that is in-your-face-text not sub-text

(7:58) You are also apparently more of a morning person than me, if you’re already ready to throw around exclamation marks

(8:00) _PFFT._

(8:01) _Using ONE is not ‘throwing them around’, you big baby._

(8:03) You also don’t have to wear a stupid fucking hat every day

(8:05) _Very true, I do not._

(8:06) _That doesn’t give you a pass for being nonsensical, though, no matter what time of the day it is._

(8:08) Mean

(8:10) _No._

(8:11) _ANYWAY._

(8:03) _I bet having a uniform is nice sometimes! You don’t have to worry or think about what you’re going to wear, and there’s no competition with people or anything; nobody going ‘ugh, I can’t believe he wore THAT’. You’re all just wearing the same thing._

(8:05) You say that like I dress poorly

(8:06) _You /were/ covered in Pepsi._

(8:08) Well I wasn’t wearing ONLY Pepsi, my style’s not so risque

(8:10) _Hahah, well I hope not; we wouldn’t have met, then, because you’d have been arrested for public indecency._

(8:12) YOU haven’t seen me naked

(8:13) They would’ve been lauding my bits

(8:14) They would’ve given me the key to the city

(8:15) Nobel prize and shit

(8:17) _Hahahahaha, oh yeah? The Nobel Prize for Nakedness awarded to Edward Elric and his Pepsi-soaked torso?_

(8:19) I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I have a very nice torso

(8:23) _I’m not doubting it, but I don’t know that /anybody’s/ torso is worthy of international-acclaim._

(8:25) I’ll contest that

(8:26) And not even with my own chest

(8:28) _Oh yeah?_

(8:30) Well jesus, have you SEEN Chris Evans’ biceps ??

(8:31) I mean, stick me with a fork, I’m done

(8:33) _Hahaha, oh my God, Ed!!_

(8:34) What !?! It’s the TRUTH

(8:36) I work out pretty much daily and I’ll NEVER have biceps like that

(8:37) If Chris Evans were actually Captain America, he could bring about world peace with those fucking things no problem, I mean, they’re fucking supernatural, it’s not even fair

(8:39) _So, let me get this straight (or maybe a little bit not so straight)._

(8:40) _You are jealous of, but also a little in love with, Chris Evans?_

(8:42) No, not him

(8:44) Just his arms, man, just his arms

(8:46) I got the impression that Paninya waxes poetic about her girlfriend’s ass

(8:48) _... Why /no/, Ed, that wasn’t an awkward or abrupt transition at /all/!_

(8:50) WHAT I MEAN IS tell her she needs to stop writing poetry about that, and start writing it about Chris Evans’ muscles

(8:51) They’ll probably make her laureate on principle alone

(8:54) _Hahaha, oh, I’ll tell her, don’t doubt it for a second!_

(8:55) _You are something special, sir!_

(8:56) So they call me: The Gifted Idiot

(8:58) _If my name suggestions were rejected x-men, then that’s a rejected super villain._

(9:00) More suited to my sunny disposition, professionally

(9:02) _Not if Captain America’s biceps have anything to say about it._

(9:04) Well then move over Bucky and Falcon, Cap’s got a new bff

(9:06) _Haha. Oh gosh. I would pay good money to experience you drunk._

(9:07) _I bet your loose tongue’d be a gift from the heavens._

(9:09) I’m God’s gift to mankind already

(9:10) Drink it in, Win, drink it in

(9:12) _Dork._

(9:14) _Ugh I have to go, group work. Ttyl?_

(9:16) You bet  
  
  
***  
  
  
Monday Morning, October 27th

(10:40) _Edward has a very… unique request of you._

(10:44) that sounds ominous

(10:46) _He wants you to stop writing poetry about Olivia’s butt, and START writing it about Captain America’s biceps._

(10:48) what in the name of my great aunt fanny

(10:49) i think you meant ‘random as all hell’ not ‘unique’

(10:52) _Eh._

(10:54) a big part of me wants to ask for context for this commission

(10:55) but i think, for my own amusement, that i’ll take his mancrush at face-value

(10:56) better work on your guns, win

(10:58) _Seriously though. Think you can come up with a limerick or something?_

(11:00) you guys are really weird

(11:01) is this a sex thing?

(11:02) does he want you to roleplay??

(11:03) can i come costume shopping with you???

(11:05) _NO. How could it possibly be a sex thing? We met YESTERDAY._

(11:07) yeah but your ~souls~ have been doing the do for WEEKS

(11:08) or at least since you nearly went ba-nay-nays at the sight of his punk face

(11:09) plus, you know, you’re probably sexting

(11:11) _Gross._

(11:12) _Also, I really don’t think you’re in a position to label anyone else as weird, weirdo._

(11:14) all the more reason really, i’m an expert in my field

(11:16) _You’re hilarious._

(11:18) ikr!

(11:18) okay, i’ll write your weird-ass limerick

(11:19) but that’s your favor from the bonfire

(11:20) sure you want to waste it on your muscle-lusting fanboy????

(11:22) _Yup!_

(11:24) okie dokie. whatever floats your boat, homie  
  
  
***  
  
  
(11:40) you ready for this masterpiece!?!

(11:43) _Hit me!_

(11:45) there once was a star-spangled hero / who gave not two shits for dinero / he wore tights like a boss / his biceps: ‘aw yaaaaassss’ / his ‘bad traits’ count sat literally at zero

(11:47) _Hahahaha, oh my gosh, Pan, that’s AWESOME._

(11:48) darn tootin’

(11:49) go on, show him

(11:50) let me know if he dies of happiness  
  
  
***  
  
  
Monday Morning, October 27th

(11:51) _I have a surprise for you!_

(11:53) I don’t care what it is as long as it’s not related to biology

(11:54) _”there once was a star-spangled hero / who gave not two shits for dinero / he wore tights like a boss / his biceps: ‘aw yaaaaassss’ / his ‘bad traits’ count sat literally at zero”_

(11:56) _Poet Laureate Paninya. BAM._

(11:58) Oh

(11:58) My

(11:58) GOD

(12:00) _Right!?_

(12:02) I’M GOING TO TATTOO THAT ON MY CHEST

(12:04) _Hahaha!_

(12:06) Sorry, Winry, I might have to call off our date because I’M IN LOVE

(12:08) _I totally understand. She’s a dynamite gal._

(12:09) _Let us part ways as unlikely friends._

(12:11) *low whistle*

(12:12) Two different disney references in a row, wow

(12:14) You keep in together in style

(12:16) _You’ve met me. As you saw yesterday, I’m all about style._

(12:18) Ha ha hey I thought what you were wearing was awesome

(12:19) _My over-sized sweater and sweats? Sure you did._

(12:20) _I was just trying to annoy Pan._

(12:22) No, really really

(12:24) You looked cute

(12:26) _Oh. Well. Um. Thank you?_

(12:28) Sure

(12:29) Tell your friend I owe her for that

(12:30) Baloney sandwich, bacon bits, macaroni crown, whatever, it’s hers

(12:32) _You’re set, don’t worry. I traded my bonfire favor for it._

(12:34) YOU REALLY DO CARE

(12:35) I THINK I’M GOING TO SWOON

(12:37) _I know how to treat a lady._

(12:39) Rawr

(12:40) So. On that note

(12:40) I’ve been thinking

(12:42) _Don’t hurt yourself._

(12:44) Oh ha ha

(12:46) Seriously though

(12:47) I know we have the concert set up or whatever, but

(12:48) I thought maybe we could see each other again. Before that

(12:48) Saturday, or Sunday ??

(12:50) _”You asking me on a date, [Ed]?”_

(12:52) Yes

(12:54) _I’d love to. :)_

(12:56) Sweet

(12:57) Awesome

(12:58) Saturday morning, maybe

(12:59) Coffee, or tea. Bagel, whatever

(1:00) ??

(1:03) _I’d like that. 9am?_

(1:05) _Starbucks at the mall?_

(1:07) Okay

(1:07) Cool

(1:08) Um

(1:08) I was sort of terrified, yesterday

(1:10) _Me too._

(1:11) _I could’ve just /died/ when I saw you! Of course it would happen when I’m dressed like a schlub._

(1:13) I told you, you looked cute

(1:15) _Stiiilll. You Know._

(1:17) Yeah

(1:17) It’s gonna be a good week

(1:19) Dousing Mustang in sparkly guts, seeing you again

(1:20) Suddenly Monday is not such ass

(1:22) _Happy to be a bright spot, Edward._

(1:25) You’re a brighter spot than Mustang

(1:27) _I… think that that was a compliment?_

(1:29) My pranks are beautiful, Win, but not as beautiful as you

(1:30) ;)

(1:32) _You dweeb._

(1:33) _Are you waggling your eyebrows? I bet you’re waggling your eyebrows. Suggestively._

(1:35) Absolutely

(1:36) As you saw yesterday, I am very suggestive

(1:37) Debonair playah that I am

(1:39) _Oh GOD._

(1:40) _Is that how we’re classifying penguin puns, now? /Debonair/?_

(1:42) On Saturday we might even graduate to platypuses, if you can handle it

(1:43) (Platypi? Oh whatever)

(1:44) Want a preview ??

(1:46) _You might /actually/ be the singularly lamest person I’ve ever met._

(1:48) Lame like a FOX

(1:48) Look, this one’s even thematic:

(1:49) What do you call a sophisticated platypus

(1:50) _..._

(1:50) _I dunno, Ed. What?_

(1:52) A latte-pus

(1:54) _Wow. Just. Wow._

(1:55) _How did it come to this? How did I end up crushing on someone with a penchant for such dorky jokes?_

(1:56) I dunno, but lucky me

(1:57) Crushing, huh?

(1:59) _Oh, shush._

(2:01) Nah :D

(2:02) I do have to go

(2:02) I’m meeting Al for a run, I gotta go change

(2:04) _Gross!_

(2:05) _Have fun then!_

(2:07) Thanks

(2:07) I’ll text you later  
  
  
***  
  
  
Monday Evening, October 27th

(6:04) So there’s this new thing, Ling started

(6:05) _Oh, yeah?_

(6:07) You know ‘that’s what she said’

(6:08) He started saying ‘like my dick’

(6:10) _So… anywhere you might say ‘that’s what she say’, you say ‘like my dick’ instead?_

(6:13) Yup, mostly

(6:13) Surprisingly or maybe not at all, it works out a lot

(6:14) _Like my dick._

(6:15) I feel like I may regret sharing this with you

(6:17) _Like my dick?_

(6:16) We pow wow’d about Friday before supper, and I think that Ling literally said it to anything that came out of mine, Al, or Lan Fan’s mouths (like my dick, yes) until Lan Fan winded him and told him to shut up

(6:18) _I get the feeling I’d like her._

(6:20) I don’t doubt that; she’s pretty kick-ass

(6:21) Like my dick

(6:23) _I’m not sure that it works as well when you’re doing on your own commentary._

(6:25) Like my dick

(6:26) _There you go._

(6:27) _Now tone it down. I don’t want to employ Lan Fan’s services if I don’t have to._

(6:29) Empty threat, you don’t have her number

(6:31) _Ah, but I do have Alphonse’s. I’m sure he’d help me out._

(6:35) Well, shit

(6:37) So much for that

(6:38) _Did you want to do the streaming thing again tonight?_

(6:40) I wish, but I really need to catch up on homework

(6:42) Rain-check ? Tomorrow, maybe?

(6:44) _No worries! I’ll leave you to it._

(6:45) _Don’t work too hard._

(6:45) _Like my dick._

(6:45) Like my

(6:47) BOO

(6:49) _Muahaha!_  
  
  
***  
  
  
(9:45) _Good night, Ed!_

(9:49) Night, Win

(9:50) Talk you you tomorrow

(9:52) _You bet. <3_

(9:54) :)


	13. Guts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- **Bolded Underline** is Ling  
>  \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya

Tuesday Morning, October 28th

(8:20) _Good morning! Just letting you know I’m going to be in the garage all morning; I probably won’t be able to text until sometime after lunch._

(8:24) Cool

(8:25) Have fun

(8:27) _Thanks! You too. Talk to you soon._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Morning, October 28th

(9:01) **Edward. We have a situation.**

(9:03) What

(9:03) ??

(9:05) **Captain Mustang has found the guts.**

(9:06) Shiiiiit

(9:08) **I am trying to quietly observe; what I’ve gathered thus far is that one of the buckets may have tipped over and so it was oozing through the ceiling tiles. The custodian is gagging his way through the corridors.**

(9:10) Shit shit shit

(9:11) This is BALLS

(9:13) **Mustang is raging. I’ve heard him say your name twice thus far.**

(9:15) Fuck

(9:16) Well he can’t prove anything

(9:18) **No, but I think it’s very likely you’ll be called to Bradley’s office at some point today.**

(9:18) **You AND Alphonse. Lan Fan and I will be a matter of time.**

(9:20) UGH god damn it

(9:22) **Be smart. Try not to let your temper get the best of you. If Mustang is there you KNOW he will try to goad you.**

(9:24) Fuck I know

(9:26) Any last minute ideas for Friday ?

(9:28) **He’ll be suspicious of anything, but… perhaps this is an opportunity to be a little more creative. I’ll talk to Lan Fan, you talk to Alphonse. We’ll come up with something.**

(9:30) Alright

(9:32) **I DID also discover that he and Hawkeye are planning to dress up as Danny and Sandy from Grease on Friday. Evidently some of the guts dripped onto the dear Captain’s leather jacket. One of the mentions of your name involved sending you a dry-cleaning bill.**

(9:24) They are SO freakin lame

(9:25) (Also, what a douche)

(9:25) We could totally do something with that though

(9:26) Meet at lunch ??

(9:28) **Providing none of us are paying visit to Bradley’s office at that time, then indeed.  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
Tuesday Morning, October 28th

(9:30) Mustang found the guts

(9:31) Ling’s stalking him rn, apparently the bastard is gunning to blame me outright

(9:33) **Well, that’s inconvenient.**

(9:34) **I have a Calculus test today, I hope they take me out of English instead.**

(9:36) I have bio next

(9:37) Lets see how the fuck that goes

(9:39) **Don’t rise, brother. You’ll only incriminate yourself.**

(9:41) Like I don’t fucking know that

(9:42) **You don’t want to get any privileges revoked; you might have to miss your date with Winry on Saturday.**

(9:44) Not a chance in hell

(9:46) **There you go, then. Every time you find yourself about to start screaming swear words, think of her. Besides, don’t you think it’ll be more infuriating for Captain Mustang if you keep your cool?**

(9:48) You and Ling are a pair of jackasses

(9:49) I don’t need conditioning to avoid a fucking temper tantrum, or /rewards/

(9:51) **Oh, no, obviously not!**

(9:52) **I forgot that you were the picture of patience and calm!**

(9:53) **Seriously, Ed, if I thought that giving you a cookie every time you behaved yourself might reinforce good behavior, I’d get Dad to buy stock in Oreos.**

(9:54) Fuck you

(9:56) **You need to expand your repertoire of comebacks, brother.**

(9:58) Fuck fuck fuck, the calvary’s here

(9:59) I swear that Bradley’s face has two settings: Unaffected Pleasantry and MURDER

(10:01) **Put your phone away, for the love of Pete!**

(10:02) **I swear to God we were born out of order.  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
(10:40) Pretty sure they’re comin for ya

(10:42) And no, they haven’t got SHIT

(10:44) **Sometimes, I feel like a juvenile delinquent.**

(10:45) **And I blame YOU entirely.**

(10:47) Eat me  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Morning, October 28th

(10:49) I have been interviewed, and gave them nothing

(10:51) Pretty sure Al’s in there now

(10:53) “Do you know why you’re here, Mr Elric?” No. “So you don’t know anything about the defacing of Captain Mustang’s office.” *refrains, with difficulty, from commenting that it’s not nice to be so brutal about Mustang’s decorating style* No? “Hmm. You know nothing at all about the /five full buckets/ of pumpkin that were found in Captain Mustang’s ceiling?” *widens eyes, plays innocent; refrains, with difficulty, from saying that that’s a weird place for him to keep them, or commenting that having a prosthetic leg makes climbing difficult* No?

(10:55) By that point I thought that the vein in Mustang’s head was going to throb it’s way through his skin

(10:57) **I’m impressed, Edward. Did Mustang say anything?**

(10:59) “you see he’s not behaving normally, don’t you? He’s probably checking his smart mouth to avoid trouble. Who /else/ would put rotting pumpkin in my ceiling?”

(11:01) To which I calmly, SAD EYES replied “I didn’t realize you thought so little of me, sir.”

(11:02) >:D

(11:04) **Oh my GOD, Edward.**

(11:06) RIGHT

(11:07) Stopped the fucker in his tracks, he even apologized

(11:08) Skeptically, but he totally said sorry

(11:10) **I take back all my previous concerns about your ability to keep your cool. Clearly you are on your game today.**

(11:12) Yeah it was pretty much over after that

(11:14) I think they’ll probably talk to you, though; they totally tried to get me to throw you, Lan Fan and Al under the bus

(11:15) “your brother or friends… they haven’t mentioned anything about pranking Captain Mustang?” Amateur. He didn’t even ask in a way that might’ve caused me to accidentally trip into an answer

(11:27) **We may eke out of this unscathed. Knock on wood.**

(11:29) Knock on your head, that’s close enough

(11:31) **Astounding. I didn’t think it possible, but you’ve actually become /less/ funny.**

(11:34) I’m a joy and you’re lucky

(11:35) Dickling

(11:37) **Ah, there it is. Use of your genial moniker for me was long overdue. We’ve been far too chummy this morning.**

(11:39) Does your dad make you take ‘speak like a politician’ classes

(11:40) You’re insulting me, not running for office

(11:42) **That was hardly insulting, Edward. If that was anything, it was passive annoyance.**

(11:44) Whaaaaatever

(11:49) **It looks like my time has come. Wish me luck.**

(11:51) Sure: Don’t fuck it up!!  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Morning, October 29th

(11:55) **I learned something new today.**

(11:57) Oh ?

(11:59) **Captain Mustang has a nickname for you, me, Ling and Lan Fan as a group.**

(12:01) … seriously

(12:01) ??

(12:03) **Mmm. Apparently he calls us Team Overlord.**

(12:04) … SERIOUSLY

(12:06) **He let it slip in a rant about the plethora of ‘obvious’ pranking we’ve carried out together and against one another since starting school. He also blamed us for his high blood pressure.**

(12:08) What a whiner

(12:09) Why the hell does he call us Team Overlord; what are we, bad guys attempting world domination ?

(12:11) **According to his stammered attempts at explaining himself, because he thinks we’re all going to take over the world to a variety of degrees.**

(12:13) That’s almost flattering

(12:15) Almost

(12:17) It went okay then

(12:19) **Mmm. It’s clear they didn’t believe me, but they have no evidence.**

(12:21) They went and got Ling. You coming to lunch

(12:23) **I’ll be there in a minute, just grabbing my English homework from Mei.**

(12:25) Good

(12:26) I think I’ve figured out how to save this from being a total bust  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Afternoon, October 28th

(12:50) _What a morning!!_

(12:52) I’ll second that

(12:55) _I only just FINALLY got cleaned up to grab lunch. I’m going to miss some of first afternoon class, but I’m just STARVING. I ended up being there an hour longer than I wanted to be because a couple of dumbasses started a fire. /Naturally/ it happened right when I was in the middle of something precarious. Like, it wasn’t even an accident, they just wanted to piss of Mr Garfiel. They pull something like that again, and I’m going to beat them both with my wrench, and damn the consequences._

(12:57) _On a related note, THIS MAY BE THE BEST FOOD I’VE EVER EATEN._

(12:58) _Did you have a rough morning too?_

(1:01) I dunno about rough

(1:02) Interesting though, for sure

(1:04) _Oh?_

(1:06) Mustang found the guts in his office

(1:08) _Oh! Are you in trouble?_

(1:10) Nope

(1:12) Had to go to the commanding officer’s office, so did Al and Ling; I think Lan Fan is there now, she hasn’t shown up yet and lunch is almost over

(1:13) No evidence, so

(1:15) _Well, that’s good. I’d say I’m sorry your prank isn’t going to work out, but it was kinda gross, so._

(1:17) Eh, apparently a bucket tipped over and oozed through the ceiling tiles, so

(1:18) He’s got a stained ceiling, and the smell isn’t gonna go away TOO quickly

(1:20) AND he’s completely and totally pissed off, so. There's that to gain satisfaction from

(1:22) _That poor man. I think you derive just a /little/ too much happiness from his misery, Ed._

(1:24) Come to one of his classes and see what tune you’re singing afterward

(1:26) _Hmm._

(1:27) ANYWHO we’ve come up with an alternate, slightly less messy fill-in for Friday

(1:29) We found out that he and Hawkeye are dressing up as Danny and Sandy from Grease

(1:30) We’re gonna see if we can stage a flash mob

(1:34) _That… went in an entirely different direction than I expected._

(1:36) Well we can’t do something completely rude NOW bc it’ll be too obvious it’s us, esp bc they’ll be watching us for more bullshit, guaranteed

(1:37) So instead we’ll try and trap them, get them dancing, and put it on Al’s vine

(1:38) YouTube if it’s good enough

(1:40) _A flash mob. Seriously._

(1:42) It’s GREASE, it’s not like I’m not conning people into perfecting Thriller in three days

(1:43) We’ll all just hand jive or some shit

(1:45) _In that case I look forward to the video evidence of YOU hand jiving._

(1:47) Hey, for a one-legged dude, I am a primo dancer

(1:48) I can shake what my mama gave me

(1:50) _Hahaha, I didn’t say you couldn’t! I just said I wanted to see._

(1:51) _Have you decided what you’re going to be yet?_

(1:54) Ugh NO

(1:55) And I don’t think I’ll have time for another mall trip so I’m just going to have to throw something together, idek

(1:56) You still doing Leia

(1:56) ??

(1:58) _Yeah. I’m just dressing up for school, though, and to hand out candy. No parties._

(1:59) _It was a pretty easy costume to throw together. Granny helped me sew a white sheet into a dress, I found a silver belt and a Nerf handgun, and my hair is long enough to do cinnamon roll buns without having to wear a wig, so._

(2:01) Cool

(2:04) _So. Soooooooo. I have a deep, dark confession to make._

(2:06) Will it result in me moving bodies, because I’m pretty booked up this afternoon

(2:08) _Lol, no. It’s just… I have this addiction. This terrible, /terrible/ addiction. I was indulging in it when I first texted you (I mean just now, not ever, though maybe then too… I don’t remember). And it’s only fair that I give you a head’s up to this, because I think it might be a lot to expect you to tolerate._

(2:10) Jumpin jehosaphat

(2:13) _Okay, so it’s really not /that/ sinister._

(2:14) _But it’s…_

(2:14) _Oh, God, the shame!_

(2:16) __

(2:18) _It’s… McDonald’s! I’m addicted to McDonald’s!_

(2:20) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha omg that’s it ?? That’s your big scandal, NUGGETS

(2:22) _No, no it’s worse. It’s BIG MACS. And FRIES, oh sweet Moses, the FRIES._

(2:23) _Twice a week. Usually more._

(2:24) _I totally blow what little spending money I allott myself on FRENCH FRIES._

(2:26) Well they ARE good fries

(2:27) And hey, If it makes you feel any better, I’ve used a pass just to go eat 2 large deep dish pizzas before

(2:28) By myself

(2:28) Like, multiple times

(2:30) _We are a grody pair._

(2:32) Ha, no, the word you’re looking for is ‘indulgent’

(2:32) Also, why the hell SHOULDN’T we stuff ourselves stupid while we’re still young and our metabolisms are practically instantaneous ?

(2:34) ALSO!! Life is too short not to eat whatever the fuck you want

(2:35) (Don’t tell Al I said that, he calls me a human garbage can and tells me my insides are likely to melt from the abuse someday, but YOU KNOW WHAT I can also bribe him with PIE the HYPOCRITE)

(2:37) _I think that pie is probably everybody’s exception._

(2:39) _And it’s hardly the equivalent of two pizzas._

(2:41) HEY NOW

(2:43) YOU STARTED THIS MISS BIG MAC

(2:45) WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS WHEN I ASKED IF YOU HAD ANY IMMORAL FIXATIONS

(2:46) _I like to EAT Big Macs, not worship them!!_

(2:48) _And what, like I wanted you to nickname me Ronald McDonald or something? Gross._

(2:50) Hey I might’ve went with Nuggets. Or Nuggs.

(2:52) _That reads like a euphemism for my boobs._

(2:55) Mickey D. Ooh, or MAC-key D, heh. OR I could call you Big M and you could start a rap career.

(2:56) _You weirdo._

(3:01) Nah, those are not quite … right

(3:02) You’re more punk rock than that…

(3:03) Rotten Ronnie ??? Awwww, yeah, that’s it

(3:04) Badass frontrunner for the Value Menu

(3:05) Big Mac Bop, R-O-C-K in the M-C-D’s, Should I Go or Should I Order More

(3:05) !!!

(3:07) _John Cougar Mellencamp is SO not punk rock._

(3:09) PISH

(3:09) Nit picker

(3:11) _You’re a disconcerting boy._

(3:13) Says you and your grand admission of a fast food addiction

(3:14) You didn’t seriously think I’d be like ‘McDonalds? DEAL BREAKER’ and be done, did you

(3:16) _Mostly no. It looked like you ate an awful lot of Chinese food on Sunday, so._

(3:17) _But still, I mean, it is the asshole of the fast food world._

(3:19) That’s an exaggeration

(3:20) I mean, it’s no In-N-Out, but it’s also no KFC; just the smell of that place makes me gag

(3:22) _I’ve never actually had In N Out, but I heard it’s pretty awesome._

(3:24) Yeah, talk about religious experiences

(3:25) Dad took Al and I to one in California a couple of years ago

(3:26) I’d become Pope for In-N-Out

(3:28) _Good luck with that one._

(3:29) _Did you go to Disneyland?_

(3:32) Yeah, and Six Flags

(3:35) _You know, the more you talk about your dad, the harder and harder I find it to swallow that he’s actually a dick._

(3:37) HE MADE US WEAR MOUSE EARS

(3:38) WITH OUR NAMES EMBROIDERED ON THEM

(3:40) _Awwww!!!_

(3:42) NO

(3:43) I WAS THIRTEEN, IT WAS SCARRING

(3:45) _Why?_

(3:47) WHY DO I TELL YOU THINGS

(3:48) Al picked them out

(3:49) He picked a pirate one for me, a Fantasia one for him, and Goofy ears for Hohenheim

(3:51) _Is your dad blond like you?_

(3:53) .... Yeah, why

(3:54) ??

(3:56) _Constructing a wonderfully indulgent mental image._

(3:58) __

(4:00) _Baby!_

(4:00) _RUDE baby!_

(4:02) He also made us get pictures with every character he saw, no matter how long the line

(4:03) Dad, that is, though Al was so enthusiastic he had one of those autograph books

(4:05) _You’ve got it so rough, you poor, poor boy._

(4:06) _Lemme guess, you’re frowning with your arms-crossed in each picture, grumping in silent protest?_

(4:08) Oh, shaddup

(4:10) _Emo kid._

(4:12) So you’ve never been then? To Disney

(4:14) _No. Someday. Or I’ll drive to Florida so I can do Disney World AND Harry Potter Land._

(4:16) Count me in, I want an effin’ wand, man

(4:17) _D’you know your Hogwarts house?_

(4:19) Pottermore billed me borderline Slytherin/Ravenclaw and let me choose

(4:21) _And…?_

(4:23) Slytherin, probably? That’s what I picked, but I dunno. I’d go wherever Al was, so probably Ravenclaw or Gryffindor. You

(4:25) _Hufflepuff, every time._

(4:27) I can see that

(4:29) _I can see your brain in Ravenclaw, your temper in Gryffindor, and that smirk you’re sporting in your FB pic in Slytherin, so. Maybe you should just say ‘fuck it’ and be a Hufflepuff with me._

(4:31) Probably, though I think I’d spend a lot of time rolling my eyes

(4:33) _The Snarkiest Hufflepuff since Zacharias Smith._

(4:36) Truly, something to aspire to

(4:38) K, I gotta go; we’re gonna try wrangling people into the hand jive thing, but we’ve got to talk to Lan Fan first

(4:39) Might be occupied for the rest of the night, but I’ll text if I can sneak free for a call, maybe ??

(4:41) _Okie dokie. I have some homework anyhow._

(4:42) _Good luck!_

(4:44) Thanks, ttyl  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Evening, October 28th

(5:08) _What is appropriate attire for an early morning coffee shop date?_

(5:09) _I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m not sure if there’s a style guideline I should be following._

(5:15) google it

(5:16) you’ll probably find something nonsensical about the angles of the sun, color-coordinating with pumpkin spice lattes, or how your nails should match your eyebrows

(5:18) _Unhelpful._

(5:20) PFFT. i saw the way he was looking at you. wear a potato sack, he won’t care

(5:22) _I don’t necessarily want to look good to impress Ed, I want to look good to feel confident. I mean, I do want him to think I look nice I guess, especially after he saw me dressed like I had a Gilmore Girls date with Ben & Jerry, but yeah._

(5:24) dress like yourself, i dunno what to tell you

(5:26) _Says the lady who dragged me out on my afternoon off because she didn’t know what was cheerleader appropriate._

(5:28) worked out good for you

(5:30) _Shush._

(5:32) my ACTUAL advice?? wear that lace dress you got on clearance at forever 21 SINCE YOU HAVEN’T YET + black leggings, grey cardigan… belt that shit and throw in a scarf, and ta-da

(5:33) and let that mane of yours hang free

(5:35) _Hmm. I like that. With my boots. Purple or blue nailpolish?_

(5:37) purple. deep shit.

(5:39) _Cool, okay. I’ve got that brown polka dot scarf, too. Thanks, Pan._

(5:42) i live to serve, friend

(5:44) _You’re going out with Olivia tomorrow, right?_

(5:46) yes ma’am, and i am shitting myself

(5:48) drunk face-sucking is one thing, but what if she thinks i’m boring sober

(5:50) _You are the complete and utter opposite of boring, Paninya._

(5:52) _What are you guys doing?_

(5:54) IHOP. pancakes, then the book of life

(5:56) _Wow, pancakes on a first date? You sure you haven’t found your soulmate?_

(5:58) RIGHT

(5:58) UNMPH

(5:59) she goes, ‘what’s your favorite food?’ and i said ‘pancakes’ and she goes ‘OH MY GOD LETS GO TO IHOP’

(6:00) you’d’ve thought i handed her the moon

(6:02) _There you go. Start a conversation about your favorite pancakes and you’ll be getting married before the night’s over. Now who needs a maid of honor speech, EH?!?_

(6:04) we could have a joint wedding. pancakes at the reception

(6:06) _I dig it._

(6:08) you gonna kiss your asshole on sat

(6:10) _Oh my GOD I don’t KNOW. Maybe? I’m not gonna push it, we hardly know one another._

(6:12) you talk to him like 400 hrs a day, dude

(6:14) i could write a book about him on second-hand knowledge alone

(6:17) _You’re exaggerating._

(6:19) you’re deflecting

(6:20) put your mouth on his mouth, see what happens

(6:21) maybe he kisses like a fish, you gotta get that shit sorted out early; good kissing skills are fucking fundamental

(6:23) _I feel like you have a near-nonsensical emotional investment in Ed and I kissing._

(6:25) i don’t even know why i’m bothering, it’s totally going to happen

(6:26) unless you’re both too chicken shit

(6:28) like, i should’ve filmed your mall encounter, just so you could see the way you looked at each other

(6:29) it’s like you were both heroin personified and offering yourself to an addict

(6:30) you wanted to eat each other, but were terrified of each other at the same time

(6:32) _I really wish you’d stop analyzing my facial expressions. (And please don’t set a precedent for analyzing his.)_

(6:34) but then how would i be able to tell you, with authority, that you’re a soppy mess ???

(6:36) bc you totally are, and so is he

(6:38) it’s gross and adorable

(6:40) _You’re gross. (Not adorable.)_

(6:42) wah wah wah

(6:44) it’s time for me to abandon you, i’m meeting tony at the y for a run, since you negotiated your way out of exercising with me

(6:46) _How nice! I think I’ll sit here, not sweaty, uncomfortable or aching, and enjoy my hot pockets to the fullest._

(6:48) ewwwwwwwwwwwww

(6:50) the time will come when i can harass you again, young padawan; don’t get too complacent

(6:51) yes, a time will come, and you will HURT

(6:53) _Today is not that day, Sally Sadist._

(6:55) have fun burning off all the skin inside your mouth, molly masochist

(6:57) _Love you too, Paninya._

(6:59) butthead <3  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Evening, October 28th

(8:45) Still up for a phone call

(8:49) _Sure!_  
  
  
***  
  
  
[Calling Winry Rockbell]

_”Hello!”_

“Hey. How’s it going?”

_”Eh, pretty good I guess. Finished my homework, started catching up on Once Upon a Time. I’m already behind this season.”_

“You’re a step ahead of me if you’ve watched anything, I still haven’t finished season 4.”

_”AHA, so you do watch it!”_

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Like you don’t know I’m a huge loser.”

_”Mmm, that implies I think you have terrible and/or lame interests. Which I do not.”_

“Or, maybe you’re a loser too.”

_”... You set yourself up for this stuff, you know.”_

“What stuff?”

_”Edward Elric’s Dating Tips, Number… what are we at, now, Seven?”_

“Uuuuuuuugh WITH THIS!!”

_”Imply that she’s a loser, with loser tastes.”_

“You wound me.”

_”I am merely stating my observations of your oral and practical wooing. You’re lucky I am able to see past your obvious love of keeping your foot in your mouth. --- Haha, who is that, and did I just hear them say ‘You deserve whatever she’s accusing you of?’”_

“It’s Al, the JERK.”

_”Tell him I want some Disneyland pictures. HEY AL, DO YOU HAVE ANY DISNEYLAND PICS!?”_

“Oh my GOD my fucking eardrum--- HEY! I--”

**”Hello, Winry!”**

_”Hello, Alphonse. How are you keeping Ed at bay?”_

**”I’m sitting on his head.”**

_”Ha!”_

**”Now, did I hear right? Were you asking about our trip to Disneyland?”**

_”Yeah, I want to confirm that he did a Grumpy the Dwarf impression in every picture.”_

**”What’s that, brother? Mmm. Ed is very sensitive and reactionary about his height and was just hugely inappropriate about your unintended slight. I sat on him a little harder. To defend your honor.”**

_”Aw, thank you!”_

**”Of course. Now, to answer your question, yes, he was. Grumpy in every picture, that is. He sulked because we threatened to glue his mouse ears to his head if he didn’t both cooperate and participate. Him frowning was something of a… concession on mine and Dad’s part. Plus, you know. We’re used to him.”**

_"I think you might deserve medals.”_

**”Probably. Did Ed tell you he had pirate mouse ears?”**

_”Yes.”_

**”Cool. Did he tell you that the lights on Space Mountain made him throw up?”**

_”Hahahaha, no! Seriously?”_

**”Mmm! And he also nearly fell out of the boat on Pirates of the Caribbean. His prosthetic got stuck, and he totally put his face in the water.”**

_”Oh, my God. Gross!”_

**”Very. He also ate like, six pretzels, and then threw them up after California Screamin’.”**

_”Oh jeez.”_

**”And he screamed like a little girl on Tower of Terror.”**

_”I hope that there are lots and lots of pictures of this vacation somewhere. And that I get to see them someday.”_

**”Dad’s got an album. That he keeps hidden so that brother can’t set it on fire.”**

_”Smart!”_

**”Same with baby pictures. Ed’s got a vendetta against them. I think it’s because he spent most of his toddlerhood running around naked.”**

_”Aw! What an adorable little nudist.”_

**”Thankfully not so much anymore.”**

_”Heh.”_

**”Okay, Winry, brother is getting irritable and I don’t want to suffocate him, he’s still occasionally useful to me. I’m going to throw his phone and bolt while he’s recovering. I’ll text you a photo!”**

_”Hahaha, okay. Good luck escaping!”_

**”Thanks! Have a good night. Oh, and have a nice date on Saturday! I’ll harass him to be on his best behavior.”**

_”I take back my medal comment. You and your dad should be appointed sainthoods.”_

**”Thanks, Winry. I’ll lord that over brother for the rest of our lives. Bye! --hahahahaha!” (There’s a loud bang, the sound of a door slamming, then a lot of distant, creative cursing.)**

_”Ed?”_

“... You are both traitors.”

_”Aw, drama queen. Do you have an ass print on your face?”_

“I hate you. I hate Al more, and I’m going to murder him, but I hate you too.”

_”I’ll get over it.”_

“Ouch.”

_”So. Be honest. Exactly how much time did you spend naked as a baby, and are you or are you not still a nudist, just sneakier?”_

“Oh, shut up.”

_”Ooh, I just got a text from Al!”_

“For the love of-- Is this actually happening?”

_”Aw, look at surly, pre-teen Edward! How could anybody look that upset meeting Tigger? I’m totally cropping this and making it your contact photo, FYI.”_

“Uggggggh, whhhhhhhhyyyyy? AND I WAS THIRTEEN.”

_”Because it’s adorable, and also it’s the only picture I have of you.”_

“I’m so done with today.”

_”Ooh, yeah, how’d your organizing go? Were people into it?”_

“Yeah, I think we’ll be fine and it’ll be pretty funny. We downloaded the whole song and bribed the AV dudes who take care of the sound. Figured out who’ll force Mustang and Hawkeye onto the dance floor, too; we’re going to get Ling’s sister to play narc and try and drag them off.”

_”Cool. Then everything worked out, then?”_

“Mostly.”

_”Why, what happened?”_

“Lan Fan kind of got forced into taking the fall for the guts. The custodian saw her on the grounds with pumpkins, and I guess she wasn’t expecting that to be brought up and she faltered. So. She’s up to her eyeballs in detention, and has to clean Mustang’s ceiling, and she’s had pass privileges revoked from now til Christmas.”

_”Aw, that’s no good.”_

“Yeah, when we saw her at dinner we were ready to just go and split the blame but she wouldn’t let us. Ling’s pretty livid, but what can you do.”

_”Make sure you get her a really good Christmas present.”_

“Oh definitely. Means she’s also got a free pass for the next one. We haven’t had to rotate blame for a long time, but if she’s taking it for this it means I’m up for the next if it boils down to it.”

_”Honor among thieves?_

“Something like that. So. You up for another round of TV-in-tandem?”

_”Sure! Did you have something in mind?”_

“I dunno. I kinda wanted to start watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine? But I’m up for anything.”

_”That definitely works, I’ve been wanting to watch that show for a while.”_

“Cool, I’ll get it set up.”

_”Sounds good. I’m going to run downstairs and grab some snacks. BRB.”_

“Kay.”  
  
  
***  
  
  
Wednesday Morning, October 29th

(1:15) **I can still hear you! The whole floor can probably hear you **and Andy Samberg**! GO TO BED, BROTHER **

(1:17) Ah, sweet, sweet karma

(1:18) Suck it, traitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I wrote a little future thing for this story, in case you missed it. :)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2636378)


	14. Nerfherders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- **_Bolded Italics_** is Mei

Wednesday Morning, October 29th

(9:02) We did it again

(9:06) _I blame Netflix_.

(9:07) _I feel like it took abnormally long for it to ask us if we wanted to continue_.

(9:08) _Skynet bullshit._

(9:10) HA

(9:11) If Netflix is run by Skynet, then society is so utterly fucked

(9:14) _It would totally be the way to go. Rope in through the porn, and through people’s desperate need to binge-watch the heck out of absolutely everything_.

(9:16) _If and when it happens, sentient technology WILL have our number_.

(9:18) You gotta wonder sometimes whether, if some of the forefathers of modern technology were shown what their discoveries would amount to, they would’ve kept at it, like

(9:19) For all the advancements we’ve made, I feel like there’s a disproportionate amount of gifs of bouncing boobs

(9:22) _Probably._

(9:23) _#SWAG._

(9:25) HA

(9:27) _Haaaaaave you seen ‘If Google Was a Guy’?_

(9:28) _It is relevant to your commentary._

(9:30) No ?

(9:33) _Are you able to watch it right now?_

(9:35) Yeah I’m between classes

(9:37) <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuOBzWF0Aws>

(9:37) <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B759dzymyoc>

(9:38) <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJD1Iwy5lUY>

(9:41) Hahaha, omg this is golden shit

(9:42) HEDGEHOG CUTE

(9:43) _Right!? Keep going, it just gets better._

(9:45) K

(9:47) In the library now so I can text commentary

(9:49) ‘don’t speak in these weird haikus’ heh

(9:50) ‘why do MY farts smell’ SHE LOOKS SO CONCERNED

(9:51) TENTACLE FUCKING HENTAI

(9:51) I AM DEAD, WINRY

(9:51) I WANT THIS TO BE A SITCOM

(9:53) _:D !!!_

(9:56) ‘baby powder made out of babies?’

(9:57) IS YOLO A DRUG

(9:57) I can’t

(9:57) I can’t

(9:59) Spaghetti! SPAGHETTI

(10:00) SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

(10:01) WHO COMES UP WITH THIS SHIT AND WILL THEY MARRY ME

(10:03) _Maybe if you asked real nice._

(10:04) _I think of those videos now every time I type a search and it tries to spell something out for me. I also often think ‘what is wrong with the world, and why the hell are people googling such weird questions?’_

(10:06) One time I lost my driver’s license so I googled what you’re supposed to do

(10:07) One result was ‘what do I do if a ginger kid bites me’

(10:09) _Haha, oh gosh._

(10:10) _I did a research paper on Charles Darwin last year. When I typed in ‘Charles Darwin’ I got ‘Charles Darwin is my homeboy’ as a suggestion._

(10:12) I can dig that, and probably need it on a shirt

(10:13) Or maybe ‘Antoine Lavoisier is my homeboy’ I guess that’s more appropriate

(10:15) _Why, who’s he?_

(10:17) The father of modern chemistry, suppositionally

(10:19) _Meaning…?_

(10:22) It’s not like he discovered or invented chemistry or anything, he just changed it from being qualitative to quantitative

(10:24) _Ah._

(10:26) AND speaking of chemistry and using the google

(10:27) It led me to the gloriousness of chemistry cat

(10:29) _Please tell me that that’s a Discovery kids show featuring a cat conducting experiments, like how Wishbone reenacted literature?!?_

(10:31) … it’s not, but oh how I now wish it was

(10:32) I would watch the shit out of that

(10:34) _Boo. Okay. Well, then, what’s chemistry cat?_

(10:36) It’s more… something to be seen than to be explained:

(10:36) 

(10:37) _NO._

(10:39) Oh YES.

(10:40) 

(10:42) _LAME._

(10:44) 

(10:46) _Please tell me that that’s it._

(10:48) Hardly

(10:49) Have you been to the internet lately? They know how to beat a dead meme

(10:50) 

(10:52) _I never thought I’d say this, but I miss dick jokes._

(10:54) 

(10:56) _Have you been kicked out of the library yet for laughing too hard at yourself?_

(10:58) No but I have gotten a stern warning

(10:59) 

(11:01) _I think you may have a problem._

(11:03) Yeah, TOO MANY GREAT CHEM JOKES

(11:05) _Nerd._

(11:06) _I’d say I’m sorry to put an end to this onslaught, but I’m really not: I have to go. I have early lunch, then a group project meeting this afternoon. Talk to you later?_

(11:08) Before dinner ?? I have tutoring tonight

(11:10) _Hopefully I’ll be done by 3:30; I’ll let you know._

(11:12) Cool, ttyl

(11:13) 

(11:15) _You’re ridiculous._

(11:17) :D  
  
  
***  
  
  
(1:24)   
  
  
***  
  
  
(2:47)   
  
  
***  
  
  
(3:50)   
  
  
***  
  
  
(4:06) _Smooth, Ed._

(4:08) Gotta play my strengths, Win

(4:09) How’d group work go

(4:11) _Painful. It was like pulling teeth to get anything done._

(4:13) What class ??

(4:16) _Art._

(4:18) You do group work in art class ??

(4:20) _Yeah, we had to pick a classic piece of art, and do a version of it in the styles of what we’ve studied thus far. Which is photo realism, pop art, and hatching with charcoal._

(4:22) Huh

(4:23) Which painting did you pick

(4:25) _Van Gogh’s Starry Night. I’m doing the pop art one. Today we were doing the write up on… you know. Why we chose that painting, and how we think the different mediums might change how people interpret it._

(4:27) Can’t say I envy you that

(4:29) _It’s gross. I took art because I thought it would be an easy GPA boost, and a bit of a mental break from all my other classes._

(4:30) _I was sorely mistaken._

(4:32) _Oh well._

(4:35) I have something that’ll cheer you up

(4:37) _You can’t possibly have more chemistry cat jokes._

(4:39) I have chemistry cat jokes for days

(4:40) But no

(4:41) I was searching ‘how do you use groupon’

(4:42) And one of the suggestions was ‘how do you use google’

(4:44) _Lol._

(4:46) _That just reminds me of the old guys in the video._

(4:47) _”Google.com” “I’m RIGHT HERE.”_

(4:49) Hahaha, I showed Al and Ling that and they thought it was excellent

(4:50) They haven’t stopped quoting it

(4:52) _Awesome._

(4:55) _So you’re tutoring tonight?_

(4:57) Yup

(4:58) Whoooo

(5:00) _It’s not really that bad, is it?_

(5:02) Nah

(5:03) I mean, I’d rather be doing other things, but nah

(5:04) Most of the kids want to figure it out, so

(5:06) _That’s good._

(5:07) _I think I’m going to go to bed stupid early tonight. I am seriously SO tired._

(5:08) _I nearly fell asleep during my group meeting._

(5:10) I feel you

(5:11) I think I will follow a similar course of action when tutoring is all said and done

(5:12) I should really do my own homework, but eh

(5:14) _I’m going to try to do some, but I’m not sure how successful I’ll be._

(5:16) Shall we call it a day, then

(5:16) ??

(5:17) Catch up tomorrow

(5:19) _Yeah, I think so._

(5:21) Cool

(5:22) Good luck with the homework

(5:24) _Same to you with the tutoring. It’ll be over before you know it!_

(5:26) Thanks

(5:27) 

(5:29) _You’re lucky I like you so much. Chemistry Nerd._

(5:31) Gearhead.

(5:33) _< 33333_

(5:35) :)  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Morning, October 30th

(8:04) _I slept like a baby!_

(8:05) _Soooo worth being behind on my homework today._

(8:08) What time did you crash

(8:08) ??

(8:10) _Like 7:30._

(8:11) _I just couldn’t keep my eyes open._

(8:11) _How was your night?_

(8:13) Wrapping up the tutoring was a struggle, but I pretty well passed out when I got back to my room

(8:14) At like, just after 8:30, I guess ?

(8:15) I know I barely got my uniform off

(8:17) _I would say lets make a pact to not stay up so late anymore, but I know that it would be a waste of time._

(8:19) Once you get it started, it’s super hard to stop

(8:21) _Like my dick._

(8:23) HA I knew that’d crop up again

(8:24) And SPEAKING OF DICKS

(8:25) And since you said you were missing them:

(8:26) What did the elephant say to the naked man

(8:28) _*shakes head* I dunno, Ed, what?_

(8:30) How do you breathe through that thing ??

(8:32) _Lol. I’m not sure if that was funny or if I’m still asleep._

(8:33) _I’ve got one for you though. To kickstart your morning._

(8:34) _I can’t text through lab this morning, so it’ll have to tide you over until the afternoon._

(8:36) A sorry substitute, but I’ll make do

(8:36) 

(8:38) _What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?_

(8:40) I feel like I should grab some neosporin for this likely imminent burn

(8:40) What do you call him, Win

(8:42) _Castrated._

(8:44) The Queen of Dick Jokes strikes again

(8:46) _;)_  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Morning, October 30th

(9:04) **I forgot to ask, did you decide on a costume?**

(9:07) Nah, not sure yet

(9:10) **You better figure something out today, brother.**

(9:11) **You’re running out of time!**

(9:13) Yeah, yeah  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Morning, October 30th

(9:40) Hey Mei

(9:42) **_Edward._**

(9:43) **_To what do I owe the pleasure?_**

(9:45) I wanna cash in on that favor for the easter thing

(9:46) You still doing the drama shit

(9:48) **_I still perform with the drama troupe, yes._**

(9:49) **_What do you need?_**

(9:51) A costume for tomorrow

(9:53) **_Specifically…?_**

(9:55) I’m trying to put Han Solo together

(9:56) Figure it’s a pretty easy one, I don’t have time to go shop for anything

(9:58) _**Weren’t you at the mall on Sunday? That’s what Alphonse said.**_

(10:00) Yeah I didn’t find anything, except for a gross amount of xmas decorations

(10:02) _**Hmm.**_

(10:04) ‘Hmm’ what, you taking disbelieving-noise lessons from Al now

(10:06) _**No, just thinking.**_

(10:07) _**I’ll see what I can do.**_

(10:09) Cool

(10:10) Thanks  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Morning, October 30th

(10:20) _**Whenever your brother converses with me, whether in person or through text message, I feel like he is restraining himself from excess rudeness.**_

(10:21) _**I suppose I should be flattered?**_

(10:23) **Ed would probably say so.**

(10:25) _**Today he insinuated that you had passed on your art of inferring dubiety to me.**_

(10:27) **I have a special way of being doubtful?**

(10:29) _**That ‘mmm’ thing you do.**_

(10:31) **Oh. I guess so.**

(10:33) _**I think it’s cute. :)**_

(10:35) **Oh! Well. Thank you. :D**

(10:36) **So. You ‘mmm’d at Ed today?**

(10:38) **_I ‘hmm’d actually._**

(10:39) **_He cashed in a favor so I might help him put together a Halloween costume for tomorrow._**

(10:41) **Of course he did.**

(10:42) **Can I ask what you owed him a favor for?**

(10:44) _**I’ll tell you another time.**_

(10:47) **Okay.**

(10:49) **_Nothing bad, Alphonse, I promise._**

(10:53) **Okay.**

(10:55) **He wants you to raid the drama closet for him?**

(10:57) **_Yes, but not for anything too crazy. He wants to be Han Solo._**

(10:58) **_If I didn’t already know that you were going to be Finn the Human, I’d ask if he’d conned you into being Chewbacca._**

(11:00) **... Han Solo.**

(11:02) **_Yes?_**

(11:02) **_Why?_**

(11:04) **You’re sure it was Han Solo?**

(11:06) **_As opposed to…? I don’t think there are many things I could misread as Han Solo._**

(11:07) **_I double-checked, and yes, Han Solo is his request._**

(11:09) **Oh. My. GOSH.**

(11:11) **_What????_**

(11:12) **_What am I missing here?_**

(11:14) **His wrong number is dressing as Princess Leia.**

(11:16) **_Oh! Well. Perhaps they coordinated? Have they met yet? Is she coming to the party? I didn’t think we could invite people outside of the school._**

(11:18) **I doubt it. Yes. And no, she’s not and we can’t.**

(11:19) **They ran into one another accidentally at the mall on Sunday.**

(11:21) **_Well that explains why he wasn’t able to find a costume._**

(11:22) **_What a strange thing for him to do._**

(11:24) **You’ve MET Ed, right?**

(11:26) **_Touche._**

(11:27) **_You still owe him for the whole Vine incident, don’t you? The punching?_**

(11:28) **_You should text Princess Leia._**

(11:30) **I don’t want her to think that brother is a creep.**

(11:32) **_If she is dealing with him on a regular basis, I’m sure that his oddness is of no consequence to her. Otherwise I doubt she’d still be interacting with him._**

(11:34) **I guess…**

(11:36) **_I’m not trying to pressure you into anything, obviously; you know better than me what would cross the line between being funny and causing problems._**

(11:37) **_I just know how thoroughly you enjoy embarrassing him._**

(11:39) **He DID keep me up the night before last sync-watching Brooklynn Nine-Nine with her until 2:30 in the morning.**

(11:41) **_That’s a thing?_**

(11:43) **Apparently. They marathoned Bravest Warriors and Bee and Puppycat a while ago too.**

(11:45) **_Well there you go._**

(11:46) **_If she can handle Edward’s commentary when watching ANYTHING, then she’ll probably see this as endearing, not icky._**

(11:47) **_I still haven’t forgiven him for The Avengers._**

(11:49) **He’s very passionate about Marvel.**

(11:51) **_That hardly justifies a twenty minute rant about the need for a Black Widow movie IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE THEATRE. Not that I don’t agree, he made some very good points, but there is a time and place._**

(11:53) **Yeah.**

(11:53) **I’m going to tell her.**

(11:55) **_I’ll collect his costume pieces over lunch. I’m pretty sure I have appropriate or comparable components. Would you like to study this afternoon?_**

(11:57) **Yeah, I would. I’ll meet you in the library after 3?**

(11:59) **_Lovely! See you then!_  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
Thursday Afternoon, October 30th

(12:20) _**Do you need the whole shebang?**_

(12:22) Huh ??

(12:24) _**Your costume, Edward. Do you need everything? Pants, boots, shirt, vest, etc?**_

(12:26) Oh

(12:26) I’ll use school boots, but that’s about it

(12:28) _**I think there might be some better suited to your purposes in storage. If they fit would you like them?**_

(12:30) Sure, I guess

(12:32) _**Do you want a wig as well?**_

(12:35) Fuck no

(12:36) I’ll be a blond Han Solo, and semantics can shove it

(12:38) _**Duly noted.**_

(12:39) _**I’m meeting your brother in the library this afternoon. Shall I leave things with him?**_

(12:41) Nah I’ll come grab them before that, what’s your first class

(12:43) _**History.**_

(12:45) Cool, Hughes, right

(12:47) _**Yes.**_

(12:49) I’ll meet you outside the class between periods

(12:52) ??

(12:54) __**All right.  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
Thursday Afternoon, October 30th

(1:45) **Hi Winry.**

(1:47) **I hope I’m not bothering you.**

(1:49) _Hi Alphonse! Not at all. Is something wrong?_

(1:51) **Nope! Just. Well.**

(1:52) **I have something to share with you.**

(1:53) **Whiiiiich in retrospect looks like a pretty loaded statement, but how weird you find things is totally at your discretion.**

(1:55) _Ooooookay?_

(1:57) **Ed told me you were dressing up as Princess Leia for Halloween?**

(1:59) _I was planning on it, yeah._

(2:01) **Well. Um. As you may or may not know, he’s had some trouble coming up with a costume. He told me this morning that he didn’t have anything figured out, but I found out from someone else that he was raiding the drama room for something in particular.**

(2:03) _Are you aiming for the creepy tinge you’ve put on this, or is it just a side effect of you not being sure how to tell me what you’re trying to tell me?_

(2:05)  **DEFINITELY not trying to creepy, or make it seem creepy. At least I hope it’s not creepy.**

(2:07) **Gosh, sorry, Winry. You don’t know me from a hole in the wall and here I am acting like I haven’t got two braincells to rub together.**

(2:09) _Okay. So. Ed’s ‘particular’ costume then?_

(2:11) **He’s going to kill me, but…**

(2:13) **He’s dressing as Han Solo.**

(2:16) _Oh._

(2:16) _Really?_

(2:18) **Please tell me you’re not creeped out? Brother doesn’t mean it in a creepy, weird way. He’s just… not all that well-rounded where romantic gestures are concerned, and I’m pretty sure there are a lot of wires crossed in his head.**

(2:19) **Here I thought I was getting him back for punching me over my Vines, but now I feel like I’ve ballsed things up and have to defend his honor.**

(2:22) _I’m not creeped out, I promise._

(2:24) **He probably has some super lamely sweet snapchat planned for you or something and now I’ve probably gone and ruined it. I swear I’m usually the smart one.**

(2:26) _I get the impression that you’re both a little too smart for your own good, honestly._

(2:28) **I definitely need practice in social cues.**

(2:29) **Maybe not as much as brother, but, well. He’s doing okay without my help.**

(2:29) **Or he was.**

(2:31) _He still is._

(2:33) **Good. Good.**

(2:34) **I think I’ll go now, before I put my foot in my mouth some more.**

(2:35) **Til next time, when I am hopefully a little more sanely behaved.**

(2:37) _Bye Alphonse. :)_  
  
  
***  
  
  
Thursday Afternoon, October 30th

(2:45) _Do you think anyone’d notice if I burned down the school?_

(2:47) Uh oh

(2:48) Maybe, and I’m not sure you want me complicit to your arson

(2:49) I’m only really a good liar when the stars and moon align to my favor, which is rarer than a unicorn

(2:51) _The library computers are still running Windows 97, for reasons I can’t even fathom._

(2:53) Gross

(2:55) _And I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to print a book report for the last 20 minutes, and the lab helper is just as clueless as I am about why the printer is playing shy when it has plenty of ink, and paper._

(2:57) Weird

(2:59) _I figure if I burn the place down, they might get funding for less shit computers. And less two-faced, noncommittal freakin’ printers._

(3:00) _I give up. I’m done. I’ll take it home, and print it off in Granny’s office._

(3:02) Probs for the best

(3:03) I mean, I know orange is your favorite color and everything, but you don’t have to go whole hog and get yourself incarcerated for the sake of a free orange jumpsuit

(3:05) _You know me so well._

(3:06) _Are you up for a phone call tonight?_

(3:08) Sure

(3:09) I’ve gotta catch up on some homework… how’s like, 8-ish sound

(3:10) _That works. Will you call me, or shall I call you?_

(3:12) I’ll call

(3:14) _Cool._

(3:15) _I’ll talk to you later then._

(3:16) Sounds good  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tuesday Evening, October 30ths

(8:20) Sorry I’m behind

(8:21) I’ll call in like, 15 min

(8:23) _Okay._  
  
  
***  
  
  
[Calling Winry Rockbell]

_”Hi, Ed!”_

“Hey, sorry. Some of the kids I’m tutoring came by and asked me questions, and I got a little wrapped up in explanations.”

_”That’s okay. That’s pretty awesome, that they’re seeking you out.”_

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Makes me twitch sometimes, but eh.”

_”I can imagine. Mr. Garfiel--my mechanics teacher--gets me to check on the other people in class when it’s really busy, because I get things done so fast… Most of the time I’m working on my own projects. It’s kind of baffling to me what people do sometimes, but it’s a good reminder that not everyone knows as much as I do. I guess most people don’t, really. Chemistry is probably the same for you.”_

“See and I don’t know shit about cars, you’d probably school me stupid.”

_”I struggle with chemistry, so there you go. I’m making a C right now, and I’m studying like crazy. I’m hoping to finish the semester out with a B.”_

“If you want help, let me know.”

_”Thanks. Maybe. I kinda wanna try to get it on my own first.”_

“I get that.”

_”Yeah. So. Um. How was your day?”_

“Eh, it was okay. Uh. Um. Better. Now.”

_”Oh?”_

“Yeah. I mean. I dunno. Um. Talking to you… always makes my day better.”

_”Aw. You’re really sweet, Ed.”_

“Heh. If I was then I totally managed it accidentally. I mean. I’m pretty much aces at being a total and complete dipshit.”

_”Yeah, but you’re an endearing sort of dipshit.”_

“Gee, you really know how to compliment a dude, Win.”

_”Can’t say I’ve had much practice at it.”_

“I find that hard to believe.”

_”Why?”_

“Well. I mean. You’re beautiful, for one thing.”

_”Oh. Um. I-- Hee.”_

“Ha, look at that! I accidentally pulled off sweet again, didn’t I?”

_”Yeah.”_

“Booyah!”

_”Aaaaand you ruined it. Booyah. Who says booyah?”_

“Suave, cool, and endearingly sweet dipshits.”

_”Well never mind then, you’re right on the money.”_

“Damn straight.”

_”Um. Anyway. I don’t think looks necessarily have a lot to do with how much anyone pays attention to me. Or flirts, I guess. Or. You know, gives me opportunity to compliment them. Or whatever. I’ve never had a boyfriend.”_

“Really?”

_”Yeah. I mean. I’ve dated and stuff, but not like. I dunno. There was never anything really serious.”_

“Huh.”

_”Have you? Had a girlfriend, I mean?_

“No, not really. Same thing I guess, dates and stuff, but nothing… Yeah.”

_”Yeah.”_

“I’m a big lame idiot, though. It sort of comes with the territory. You… you’re smart and funny. And you know who you are. There aren’t a lot of girls like you.”

_”... You’re making me blush.”_

“I’m just telling the truth. There aren’t. I mean, lucky me that the guys at your school are too blind to notice how awesome you are, but. You _are_ , so.”

_”Oh my gosh. I don’t. I mean. I don’t know what to say?”_

“You don’t need to say anything. I just. You know. It’s how I see you, so.”

_”Thanks.”_

“You’re welcome.”

_”You’re. Um. You’re pretty cool yourself, you know.”_

“Pfft. You’re talking to someone who cosplays, Win. I am really _not_ cool.”

_”... Do you actually?”_

“Yeah. Al and I went to PAX East last year, and we dressed up as Henchman 21 and Henchman 24 from Venture Bros.”

_”See. See. Now. Cool is totally interpretive, because I… I mean, I think that that’s really cool. I’ve always wanted to cosplay.”_

“... Seriously.”

_”Yeah! I really, really want to go to the San Diego Comic Con someday, and do Sailor Moon! I have the pattern for making my own costume, and I’ve even figured out how to do my hair.”_

“Huh.”

_”What?”_

“Oh, I just. I dunno. You’re. You’re just full of surprises, I guess? Good ones. Seriously. Good.”

_”Hee.”_

“I tell you what; if we ever make it to Comic Con together, and you do Sailor Moon, I’ll totally do Tuxedo Mask.”

_”Really!?!”_

“Yeah.”

_”Oh, gosh, that would be AMAZING, Ed!”_

“Cool.”

_”So. Speaking of costumes. Did you figure out yours for Halloween?”_

“Maybe.”

_”Maybe?”_

“I want to ask you if it’s okay. Because I think it might be weird.”

_”Well unless you’re planning on strutting in there naked, I’m sure it’s fine.”_

“Not weird for other people. Weird for you.”

_”Oh. Okay?”_

“Would you be okay with me being Han Solo? I mean. I know we’re not. Um. You know. I mean, I know we’ve only really met once or whatever, and… ugh, it’s really weird, right? It’s totally weird. I just. I know we won’t actually be together dressed up or anything, but. I dunno. I thought it might be cool. In a weird way. Obviously.”

_”Ed, you’re adorable.”_

“I. I mean. Okay?”

_”I think that that’s a really sweet suggestion. Who cares if it’s weird?”_

“You’re amazing.”

_”... You keep complimenting me like that, and I’m going to just. I dunno. My face is so red right now, it’s silly.”_

“I can’t help it. I’m just telling the truth.”

_”Smooth. Smooth like butter.”_

“Accident. Seriously.”

_”Maybe you’re just on your game.”_

“That implies I had game to start with.”

_”Hahaha, okay, okay, I think we could keep this up all night. Not that I’m not enjoying it, but. I should really go to bed. I have a test in the morning.”_

“Yeah, tomorrow’s going to be a long day. I should rest up for all that serious hand jiving I’m going to be doing.”

_”Which I can’t wait to see, by the way.”_

“Well if I haven’t sold you on my smoothness entirely yet, my moves are sure to do you in. Or, send you running. There’s not really an in-between when it comes to a one-legged dude dancing.”

_”You pretty heavily implied that you were fly, for a white guy.”_

“...You didn’t.”

_”Oh, I did.”_

“Where have you been all my life?”

_”Closer than either of us could’ve imagined, apparently.”_

“Yeah. Sucks that it took so long, but I’m pretty pumped now.”

_”Me too. I’m really looking forward to Saturday.”_

“Yeah. Yeah, I can’t wait.”

_”Can I. Can I say something, um. Something really, probably stupid?”_

“Sure?”

_”I can’t wait to kiss you.”_

“... Oh _jesus_ , Winry, you’re going to kill me.”

_”Hee.”_

“I. I. Um. I want to. Too. Kiss you. Yeah.”

_”Yeah.”_

“I think you’ve struck me dumb.”

_”Probably a good note to good night on. Talk to you tomorrow?”_

“Yeah. Absolutely. Definitely.”

_”Night, Han Solo.”_

“Heh. Night. Princess. Sweet. Um. Sweet dreams.”

_”You too.”_

[Call Disconnected]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted some more [universe info](http://hangonsilvergirl.tumblr.com/post/104226847659/its-not-a-big-deal-universe-info-ii) a while ago. :)


	15. Jive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- **Bolded Underline** is Ling  
>  \- _Underlined Italics_ is Lan Fan  
>  \- **_Bolded Italics_** is Mei

Friday Morning, October 31st

(10:20) _Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothes??_

(10:25) Idk, where

(10:26) _The DARTH MAUL. :D_

(10:28) Oh god

(10:29) Is this a preview of the rest of the day

(10:29) (just wondering how much loin girding I should do rn)

(10:32) _ABSOLUTELY._

(10:33) _I have been collecting jokes for a WEEK._

(10:34) _Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?_

(10:36) I’m hoping it doesn’t have something to do with blowjob handles

(10:38) _EDWARD._

(10:40) ...Really? A month’s worth of dick/dumb blonde jokes, and that’s the line crosser ??

(10:42) _It would be less so if it weren’t for the fact I’m wearing my hair that way RIGHT NOW._

(10:44) Well I didn’t call YOURS blowjob handles, nor did I make suggestive eyebrows at you while gesturing to my crotch

(10:46) _I can’t see you! How would I know what you do while you text??_

(10:48) WHY WOULD I

(10:49) If I ever actually do that to you, in a fit of insanity, light me on fire

(10:52) _Hmm._

(10:55) Are you high this morning

(10:55) ??

(10:56) Is that why you’re embellishing caps with more enthusiasm than usual, in league with… whatever the hell just happened

(10:58) _I’ve already received more than my fair share of hair jokes today, and it’s only 11._

(10:59) _High school boys are fuckheads._

(11:01) As a general rule, yes

(11:02) I won’t deny my fuckhead tendencies

(11:03) Doesn’t change the fact that we’ve been largely inappropriate with one another since day one, joke-wise; precedents, etc ...

(11:05) _Ugh, yeah, you’re right._

(11:06) _Sorry. Still. Line, ya know?_

(11:07) Yeah, I getcha

(11:08) _Anyway! I repeat: Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?_

(11:09) I couldn’t say

(11:11) _So it doesn't Hang Solow!!!_

(11:13) Haha, k, I’ve got one for you

(11:14) Where does Qui-Gon keep his jam

(11:14) ??

(11:16) _I don’t know, where?_

(11:18) In a Jar-Jar

(11:20) _Oh God._

(11:20) _I don’t know if there’s ever any appropriate cause for Jar Jar Binks jokes._

(11:22) Why, because he’s a walking one without trying ??

(11:24) _Pretty much!_

(11:25) _What do Jedi use to view PDF files?_

(11:26) Why would

(11:27) You know what, nevermind; what ?

(11:29) _Adobe Wan Kenobi._

(11:31) *price is right losing horn*

(11:33) _HEY NOW, that is HILARIOUS._

(11:34) Is it ?? Is it though ??

(11:35) Why did the Jedi cross the road

(11:37) _TO GET TO THE DARK SIDE._

(11:39) Well done, padawan

(11:40) What do you call a pirate droid

(11:42) _Arrr2-D2??_

(11:44) Damn, these are too obvious

(11:46) _What do Jawas have that no other creatures in the galaxy have?_

(11:48) Uhhhh, no idea

(11:50) _Baby Jawas._

(11:52) … Well NATURALLY

(11:54) _Literally. Or, at least, presumably._

(11:56) Har de har har

(11:57) Okay okay

(11:57) What's the name of the worst cantina on Coruscant

(11:59) _I have no idea._

(12:01) The Ackbar

(12:03) _Lol, what’s their signature drink, The Trap?_

(12:05) Probably

(12:07) _Last one, it’s lunch time:_

(12:08) _How is duct tape like the Force?_

(12:10) Do tell

(12:12) _It has a Dark Side, Light Side, and holds the universe together._

(12:14) Aaaaaaaaaaand slap that on a t-shirt, I have a new life motto

(12:16) _Dork. :)_

(12:18) Takes one to know one

(12:19) _Talk you you later?_

(12:21) You bet

(12:23) _May the Force be with you!_  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Afternoon, October 31st

(2:04) _What did the sweet potato say to Luke Skywalker?_

(2:06) Something terribly punny ??

(2:08) _Mmmhmm! “Luke, I yam your father!”_

(2:10) Why did Darth Vader go to the guitar store?

(2:12) _Do tell!_

(2:14) To find the secret rebel bass

(2:16) _*ba dum bum*_

(2:17) _No treble._

(2:19) Hurr hurr

(2:21) _Did you hear about the chicken who became an imperial officer?_

(2:24) Nope

(2:26) _Princess Leia recognized his fowl stench._

(2:28) Hahahaha

(2:29) Jeez I think I’m enjoying this more than dick jokes, and it’s close on the nerdiest exchange we’ve had to date

(2:31) _Let your freak flag fly, Ed._

(2:35) Unfortunately I’m going for a run so I’ll have to leave you to it

(2:36) Might not get a chance for much chatting afterward though I’ll try; party starts right after dinner

(2:38) _That’s okay. You’ve got important obligations, after all. That punch isn’t going to spike itself._

(2:40) You know me so well

(2:41) Okay

(2:41) Why was Yoda such a good gardener

(2:42) _I dunno, Ed; why?_

(2:44) Because he had a green thumb

(2:46) _AW I should’ve seen that coming!!_

(2:48) Muahahahaha !!

(2:49) _Lame. So, so lame._

(2:51) You’re welcome

(2:51) BYE

(2:53) _Have a fun run!_  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Afternoon, October 31st

**Snapchat from winrrrry  
  
  
**

 

**Snapchat from bigniisan  
  
  
**

  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Evening, October 31st

(6:04) how goes the candy dishing

(6:04) pun intended

(6:06) _Slow trickle thus far. I think the night’s just getting started._

(6:07) _Last year we had like, 250 trick or treaters._

(6:09) yikes

(6:10) what percentage you betting on being elsa from frozen this year

(6:12) _At least 50%. I’m going to keep a separate tally._

(6:14) good, then I won’t feel out of place

(6:17) _Huh?_

(6:19) i put on some blue shit and made a shit ton of white confetti with a hole punch and some paper

(6:20) i also have glitter, for good measure

(6:20) can i come over and throw stuff at little kids??

(6:21) apartment complexes just don’t get the same numbers

(6:23) _Hahahaha, yeah, sure! I’d appreciate the company. Granny went to a party._

(6:25) what’d she dress up as

(6:27) _Olive Oil, from Popeye. She’s going with /Mr. Lem/, who is dressed as Popeye and does a frightening imitation of his gug-gug-gug laugh._

(6;29) pinako is such a role model, man; imagine being as old as the ark and still gettin it on

(6:32) _... Ew._

(6:34) HE EATS HIS SPINACH, WIN

(6:36) _I don’t know exactly what you’re trying to insinuate, so I’m just going to assume it’s something gross: EW._

(6:39) HEH.

(6:43) _Just had a pair of Elsas._

(6:44) _You know, I think that the biggest proof of the existence of global warming is that kids don’t wear their snowsuits under their costumes anymore._

(6:46) i wore a fluorescent pink one under a little mermaid costume one year

(6:47) i looked like andy warhol’s interpretation of ariel

(6:49) _I always just thought it was part and parcel of the whole halloween experience._

(6:50) _Kids today don’t know how good they got it._

(6:52) freakin’ whippersnappers

(6:58) _Another Elsa._

(7:00) _Also, where the hell are you? Did you take a detour to Arendelle?_

(7:02) if by ‘arendelle’ you mean ‘little ceasers’, then yes

(7:05) _Are you bringing me pizza!?!_

(7:07) the snow queen special, AKA meat lovers

(7:08) do you love me, or DO YOU LOVE ME

(7:10) _I’m using you for pizza._

(7:12) meh

(7:13) be there in like, 15 min

(7:15) _Cool._

(7:15) _And thank you! I was probably going to end up eating popcorn for dinner._  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Evening, October 31st

(7:25) Operation: Punch Spike is complete

(7:27) **No one cares, brother.  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
(7:40) **Dear GOD what did you put in here, anitfreeze?!?**

(7:42) Peach schnapps

(7:45) **It tastes like melted fruit roll ups.**

(7:45) **And bleach.**

(7:48) YOU’RE WELCOME

(7:50) **Gross.  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
Friday Evening, October 31st

(8:04) **Mustang and the Hawk are in position.**

(8:05) Roger  
  
  
***  
  
  
(8:07) Ling’s got eyes. You’re on

(8:09) _Aye aye, Edward._

(8:12) _They’re ready with the music whenever you are._  
  
  
***  
  
  
(8:14) Show time

(8:16) **_On it._  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
(8:15) Our moment of glory has arrived

(8:15) WISH ME LUCK

(8:19) _Good luck!!!! I’m sure it’ll be awesome!!_  
  
  
***  
  
  
(8:17) Mei’s in position guys. Operation: Hand Jive is a go !!

(8:17) Signals at 8:20

(8:19) **Synchronizing!**

(8:19) **Synchronizing!**

(8:19) _Synchronizing!_  
  
  
***  
  
  
Friday Evening, October 31st

(10:50) Still up

(10:50) ??

(10:53) _On a shameless mini-snickers high, so yes!_

(10:53) _How’d your jiving turn out?!_

(10:55) Can I call you

(10:57) _Sure! So long as you don’t mind Paninya passing commentary in the background; she’s sleeping over._

(10:59) Nah, that’s cool  
  
  
***  
  
  
[Calling Winry Rockbell]

_”Hello, my scruffy-looking nerfherder!”_

“Hey, who you callin’ scruffy-lookin’?”

_”Hahahahaha!”_

“How are you? Sounds like you had a good night.”

_”Yeah! Paninya came over to help me dole out treats. She brought pizza and then we ate ourselves dumb on candy.”_

“Living the dream.”

_”Pretty much! We had like, 284 trick or treaters.”_

“Holy crap.”

_”Oh, I know. And 82 of those were dressed like Elsa.”_

“Who-- Oh, from Frozen?”

_”Yup. Betted on a MUCH higher percentage myself. Faith in the next generation restored. Not in Pan, though.”_

“Why not?”

_”She totally dressed like Elsa.”_

“Haha, oh yeah?”

_”Well she’s wearing blue snowflake pajamas, and has a blue housecoat draped around herself like a cape. And she threw confetti and glitter at all the little kids yelling at them to LET IT GOOOOO..”_

“That sounds spectacularly ridiculous.”

_”Kids were totally enthralled. No inbetweens though; they either thought she was awesome, or the worst sort of bullshit imitation.”_

“Is she sobbing in the background, or suffocating?”

_”Fake sobbing. She’s rolling around in the empty candy wrappers on the floor, bemoaning her own authenticity.”_

“Or lack thereof.”

_”Ed says you should be bemoaning your LACK of authenticity. Uh huh. She says go fuck yourself.”_

“Tell her she’s very welcome.”

_”He says you’re very welcome. Hahahaha she flipped you off and says she owes you a glitter bomb.”_

“Duly noted.”

_”Anyway! How was the hand-jiving?”_

“Oh, awesome! We were worried for a bit that they might switch costumes given the guts and whatnot, but they totally showed up Grease-d out. Ling watched them until they fell into their usual hovering at the punch table, and then Lan Fan went and got the kids with the music lined up. Once they were set, Mei instigated her distraction--said a kid was vomiting into the drinking fountain--and we all took our positions on the dance floor. We set off our signals to the rest of the school--which was, so suave-ly, blowing whistles--and then BAM. Off without a hitch.”

_”Haha wow! And your teachers, they danced?”_

“Oh yeah, they got totally into it, it was awesome! At first they’re just standing there in the middle of everything looking confused as all hell; I think for a sec they didn’t realize what it was that was playing, and they’d been all freaked by the whistles and yeah. But then there’s like, three quarters of the school falling in line with us, dancing and whatever, and so. They both just-- it was no holds barred hand jiving. Even other teachers joined in. The freakin’ CO dresses like a pirate every year, I think probably because he wears an eye patch, and even he was out there jiving away.”

_”That sounds ridiculously cool! Did you get a video?”_

“Mei got the video. She had the camera rolling when she went to get them, and got the whole damn thing. It’s sweet. Al’ll probably do a Vine, but we’re gonna put it on YouTube too.”

_”I can’t wait to see it! I’m glad you guys found an alternative, but also that the prank was something fun instead of something gross. It’s always better to confuse than to abuse.”_

“That sounds vaguely like a Tumblr PSA.”

_”Eh, it probably was. That doesn’t mean it’s not true!”_

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, it was pretty neat to see them both laughing and out of breath at the end of all of that. Mustang winked at me though, that was hella fucking creepy.”

_”I guess you guys maybe aren't so covert as you thought.”_

“Well, I mean, that one we gave away. Mei drags them onto the dance floor and there’s me, Al, Ling and Lan Fan randomly spread around blowing whistles in tandem? I mean. I wouldn’t say Mustang’s the brightest crayon in the box or anything, but I don’t think that took a genius’ figuring.”

_”Truuuuuuuue. Paints you guys in a good light after all the guts and whatnot. Lan Fan especially.”_

“Yeah.”

_”Wasn’t she going to sit out this one? Or am I confused?”_

“Well she wanted to do this so. Besides, the free pass is more for if we get caught for something that’ll have ass consequences. We take the blame so she doesn’t get any.”

_”Oh, I gotcha.”_

“We won’t get in trouble for this. Hawkeye even said to Al, ‘Nice to see you all using your brains for something entertaining AND not awful.’”

_”Man your teachers all have you guys pegged, hey?”_

“Oh WHATEVER. We still hardly ever get caught. We are smooth prankster kings.”

_”Kings and Queen. Queens, if you’re including Mei on this one.”_

“Fine. Kings and Queens. Flawless pranking royalty.”

_”Not to mention humble.”_

“So humble. Speaking of--”

_”Of humbleness?”_

“Yeah. I had Rose try and talk to me tonight.”

_”... Oh?”_

“Mmmhmm. She came and sat beside me, and the first thing she did was apologize.”

_”Oh. Wow.”_

“Yeah. Said she misunderstood what had been going on, but even still, she obviously didn’t have a right to take my phone or whatever.”

_”What’d you say?”_

“Told her it was okay, and that I should’ve found my balls and talked to her sooner.”

_“Total tangent, but I hate that phrase. Betty White had it right, I mean, balls are super sensitive, right?”_

“Okay, so I should’ve found my _vagina_ and talked to her sooner?”

_”Makes more sense than balls. Or, I mean, you could go totally old school and not mention reproductive organs at all. I think that the phrase ‘should’ve found the courage’ works handily.”_

“Ha, okay. So I should’ve found the courage to be honest with her sooner.”

_”There you go! Anyway, continue. What’d she say to that?”_

“Said she guessed we were both jerks who could’ve handled things better. Asked if we could still be friends, if she worked on toning down the rage and I did the same in turn.”

_”Cool. That’s good.”_

“Yeah. It is. I mean, people do dumb shit all that time, and if we don’t… you know. Learn and move on or whatever we’ll all just be stuck in the past with stupid grudges that have run out of merit.”

_”Yeah. Well said.”_

“Thanks.”

_“So. Um. Looking forward to tomorrow?”_

“Yeah. Yeah, a lot. You?”

_”Mmmhmm. Very much. I feel like. Like we’ve known each other for longer than we actually have, you know? And that this in person stuff is like… formality, at this point. I feel like I’ve been hanging out with you forever and a day.”_

“I. Um. Yeah I know what you mean. It’s like. It’s really hard to imagine a time before I was talking to you every day. Even though. I mean. It hasn’t been a month.”

_”People probably think we’re crazy. Pan’s rolling her eyes and making kissy faces at me right now.”_

“Haha, well. It’s not like some guideline exists out there that functions for all kinds of relationships. There’s not really a right or wrong way, you just sort of… I don’t know. Have to go with it. There’s no point in me denying that I really, really like you, Winry. So. Better that I just say it, don’t you think?”

_”... Yeah. Otherwise. Um. Maybe if we think too hard about it, we’ll. We’ll ruin what’s actually happening. Or. Take away from it. Like anything, you know, when you think too hard that organic response is just… jared.”_

“Yeah.”

_”I. I really, really like you too, Ed.”_

“Then I guess we’re pretty lucky.”

_”I think so.”_

“It’s um. Getting pretty late. Gotta get up early tomorrow to meet a… a pretty girl.”

_”What a coincidence. I’ve got to get up early to meet a handsome boy. Oh, shut up, Paninya!”_

“Heh. Tell her her discomfort sustains me.”

_”I will. See you tomorrow?”_

“See you tomorrow. Night, Winry.”

_“Good night, Ed.”_


	16. Starbucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- **Bold** is Alphonse

On Saturday morning, Winry woke up at an ungodly hour. She had spent the night dreaming about this morning, and Ed, and so woke up red in the cheeks and beaming, smile stretched from one ear to the other. Anticipation thrummed in every inch of her body, and before she really knew what she was doing she found herself on Paninya’s cot on the floor, straddling and shaking her friend with manic, uncontrollable glee. Paninya’s initial response to this was to call Winry a slew of rude names while grumbling and trying to burrow back to sleep. Winry was having none it, though. She bounced and whined and said ‘please please please’ over and over again until Paninya’s resolve finally broke.

She blinked with bleary rage at Winry’s enthusiasm and said, “Little kids on Christmas morning have got nothing on you, you _freak_.” She pulled herself into sitting position after Winry had bounded upward squealing. “Like. What is your major malfunction? How does this asshole have you completely and utterly _wrecked_?”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Winry chorused, taking down her chosen outfit from where it was hanging on the back of her bedroom door. She spread each article of clothing out on her duvet. “You’ve got no room to talk about crushes and major malfunctions! You’re in so deep you’ve got to breathe through your eyebrows!”

Paninya rolled her eyes. “ _Nuts._ ” She picked up her phone and flicked the screen on. “Sweet, synchronized-swimming Jesus, is it actually 5am?”

“Mmmhmm!” Winry answered, carefully pulling leggings and underwear out of her dresser drawers. “The early bird catches the worm!”

“It’s _way_ too early for euphemisms about Ed’s dick,” Paninya said dryly, rubbing an eye with one hand, scrolling through Facebook with the other.

“That’s _not_ what I meant, you _pervert_ ,” Winry frowned, kicking Paninya’s cot as she walked by with shoes in her hand to set by the edge of the bed.

“ _Whatever_ ,” Paninya answered. “Go shower so we can get your hair dried and straightened. And next time you invite me to sleep over the night before you’ve got a loser date, remind me to answer ‘fuck no’.”

Winry stuck out her tongue but did as Paninya requested, skipping out of the room and down the hall. Once she was out of sight, Paninya flopped back on her cot and repeated, “ _Nuts_.”  
  
  
***  
  
  
At 7:30am, the clock radio on Ed’s night stand kicked into the middle of a static-y version of _Timber_. He smacked the snooze button with an annoyed, still-mostly-asleep grump. At 7:35am, his phone went off too, an irritating, pre-programmed, excuse-for-techno ringtone that brought Ed to with a start. He blinked fuzzily at his phone; the screen glared the time at him and continued singing, the text under the ‘snooze’ icon reading “DATE WITH WINRY - GET UP !!!.” Once his sleep-fogged brain remembered English, Ed was suddenly _wide_ awake and made a strangled sound in the back of his throat, one that was loud and high-pitched enough to wake up Alphonse, who sat up in bed looking very, very lost.

“Whas goin’ on?” he mumbled, rubbing at his eyes with his firsts.”Wassamatter?”

“ _Nothing_!” Ed answered, throwing back his covers and rushing upward before trying to pull off his pajama pants and t-shirt at the same time. He tripped over his own feet and fell back on his ass with a thud. Alphonse studied him confusedly, still not quite awake. “ _Ugh_ ,” Ed groaned, and pulled his shirt off, tossing it behind him before standing again and successfully taking off his pants.

“What are you doing, brother?” Alphonse asked, moving his feet over the edge of the bed. “Is the school on fire?”

“ _Jesus_ , no,” Ed replied, gathering up his towel and shower paraphernalia in something resembling a panic. “Need to shower. Winry. Date. _Fuck_!” He tripped, _again_ , over his own feet, practically flinging himself _at_ their bedroom door without opening it. “I get up at fuck-off-o’clock every day, why the hell can’t I function right now?”

Having woken up a bit more, Al started snickering. “ Because you’re _nervous_? Because you wanna smell good for _Winry_?”

“Fuck off,” Ed snapped as he got the door open, struggling into the hallway like a harried, blond tornado. He walked side-long into Ling; both boys stumbled back into the opposite walls, and surveyed one another momentarily stunned.

“Morning, Edward,” Ling said cooly, mouth curling into a smile. He was wearing Hufflepuff-crest printed, yellow pajamas, and bowed in Ed’s direction. “You seem flustered.”

“Go away,” Ed said and moved to stomp past Ling in the direction of the bathroom. “Nice fucking pajamas!” he called back over his shoulder.

“Thanks! Nice underwear!” Ling called back, then knocked on and opened the door to Ed and Al’s room. He found Alphonse by Edward’s bed, turning his big brother’s phone alarm off. “Why’s Edward in such a strop?”

Al laughed. “Oh, he’s not upset, he’s panicking,” he said. “He’s got a _date_ this morning.”

“Oh ho! With Miss Rockbell, the wrong number?”

Nodding, Al opened Ed’s closet and started picking through the hangers. “He’s _very_ nervous.”

“Adorable,” Ling said, leaning against the doorframe. “And, uh. What’re _you_ doing?”

“Picking out his clothes for him. You think I’m going to let him dress himself for a date he’s losing his mind over? Nuh uh.”

Ed, rinsing his hair under the shower stream, swore for a moment he heard Ling’s laugh carry through the steam.  
  
  
***  
  
  
At 8:45am, Winry pulled her Bug into the mall parking lot, and found an empty spot near Starbucks. Most stores in the mall didn’t open until 10am; Starbucks was one of the few, along with the pharmacy and a couple of hair cutting places further in.

As she got out of the car, Winry smoothed down the skirt of her dress and looked back hopefully to the bus stop at the far end of the parking lot. She’d looked at the city schedule to see which bus Ed would be taking, and it should arrive at any moment. There were no buses pulling in or out though, just a handful of people milling about waiting. Winry sighed. She knew that he was coming, but the Disney-princess-magic-moment side of her had been hoping for a serendipitous little bubble of arrival. Oh well. She slung her purse over her shoulder and headed toward the store.

As Paninya had suggested she was wearing a lace, peachy-cream coloured dress with black leggings, though she’d forgone a scarf and traded the cardigan idea for a grey blazer. She still wore her brown boots though, something of a Winry staple, and she’d even washed the laces so her little Beetles were all the more visible. Her fingernails were, indeed, purple. Paninya had also straightened her hair and helped with her make-up. Winry had never really gone so all out for a boy before, and sincerely hoped there was a stark contrast between her present appearance, and how she'd looked when she and Ed had met the previous weekend.

Inside of Starbucks she let a barista know that she was waiting for someone, and that they’d order when he arrived, so the staff wouldn’t think she was loitering. She sat at a table near the door, where she had an unobstructed view of the bus stop. She set her purse on the floor, crossed her legs, and pulled out her phone.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Saturday Morning, November 1st

(8:51) _I’m here! A little early, but yeah._

(8:51) _I’m excited to see you!_

(8:53) I’m excited too

(8:53) And nervous as all hell

(8:54) I’ll be there soon

(8:56) _:)  
  
  
_ ***  
  
  
Ed thanked his lucky stars for his brother at least sixteen times on the ride into the mall from school. He sat tightly perched with his hands clasped in his lap, willing his body to stop shaking from the nerves. He really didn’t want to fuck this up. He really, _really_ liked Winry, and though he’d managed to come out alright given the circumstances of the previous weekend, he figured that the shock of meeting her had had something to do with that. Now… He’d had the whole week to stew and to vividly imagine 800 horrendous scenarios coming to life, the majority of which involved him thoroughly cramming his foot into his mouth. Al had tried to reassure him that everything would be okay; Ed and Winry talked every day, right? “You guys are used to one another,” he’d said. “Talk about the same things you normally do, just say them instead of texting them.”

Texting was a certain sort of anonymity, though; Ed couldn’t see her and she couldn’t see him, and so conversation was a little more controlled. He had time to react, to construct a response. Face-to-face Ed was very likely to be betrayed by his body language, which at present made him look like a kid held hostage by his own subconscious. (Which was totally accurate.) He might be a self-proclaimed dork or whatever, but he didn’t want to _completely_ descend into boob-ish, caricature-style idiocy. Winry was… _amazing_. She was smart, and funny, and absolutely freakin’ beautiful, and Ed was completely and utterly intimidated by the idea of her finding him attractive. He was a shitstarting chemistry nerd who watched too much anime, and he spent the bulk of his time in head-to-toe blueberry wool. _He just wasn’t cool_.

Thankfully Al had had the presence of mind to dress him that morning, otherwise Ed would’ve shown up in his usual schlub attire, including jeans he probably hadn’t washed in a week, a half-worn graphic t-shirt, and his Amestris Royal hoodie. Instead he was wearing blue jeans, a black, plaid short-sleeve button up with a red undershirt, one of Al’s slip-on black shoes, and a black belt with a wallet chain. He had his brown coat on too, and as the bus turned onto the last stretch before the mall stop, he started fidgeting nervously with the hem. This could all end either very, very well, or very, very poorly. Ed didn’t think that there was much opportunity for a neutral result, considering what he and Winry had invested.

The bus reached the mall and Ed climbed off, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets and looking across the parking lot to where Starbucks was. He buried his neck and chin in the top of his jacket, turning against the cold wind that was blowing across the highway. (In the span of one day the city’d gone from fall weather to winter in-between, and it was _gross_.) He hopped off the bus platform and started walking, balancing somewhere between excitement and dread. It didn’t take very long to get across the relatively empty parking lot, and he spotted what _had_ to be Winry’s Beetle. Involuntarily he smiled at the sight of it, then reached Starbucks’ door and pulled out the handle. Nothing left to do but take the plunge.

She was sitting at a table close to the door and was already watching him with a big smile on her face. He smiled back, feeling his cheeks warm up, and hoped that the wind had made his face red so his pleased embarrassment wasn’t quite so noticeable. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and waved a little awkwardly. “Hey, Winry,” he said and shuffled toward her as she stood to greet him.

“Hey Ed,” she said, and reached out and put her arms around him.

The hug was brief, but it definitely made Ed’s heart rate speed up.

He cleared his throat. “So,” he said, gesturing to the counter. “You haven’t ordered yet?”

“No,” Winry replied, and they made their way to the cash. “I was waiting for you.”

They ordered and Ed, stammering only a little, insisted on paying. He got a caramel macchiato, while Winry ordered an earl grey tea latte. He picked banana bread, she went with lemon loaf. They went and sat back down at the table Winry had been occupying when Ed arrived. Ed shrugged off his jacket as he sat down, finding it very hard to stop looking at her.

“You. Um. You look very pretty,” he managed, cupping his mug in both hands.

“Thanks,” she replied sweetly. “You clean up pretty nicely yourself. No accessorizing with Pepsi this week, I see.”

“Ha ha,” Ed answered dryly, rolling his eyes. “Gotta keep it original I guess.”

Winry snorted.

Ed cleared his throat again. “So. Um. How was the rest of your night?”

“Good! Paninya ate a whole bunch more chocolate to the point of nearly making herself sick, which is hilarious, to me, because she always harps on me for eating shit. She made beached whale sounds and threw empty wrappers around with her Elsa snow concoction… _so_ my room is covered in confetti, glitter, and candy wrappers.”

“Could be worse,” Ed said with a laugh. “It could be covered in legos. Or banana peels.”

“Both very dangerous, and in such similar ways. Anyway. She fell asleep on the floor so I dragged her into the cot and then went to bed. This morning I woke her up dumb early for revenge.”

“Nice!”

“Haha, right? She was totally pissed.” Winry grinned. “She did my hair for me, though. It’s a pain in the butt to straighten it all myself.”

“Cool. Well. It looks great, so thumbs up Paninya?”

“I’ll pass it on. How about you, how was the rest of your night?”

Ed shrugged. “Well, I mean. By the time I’d called you it was pretty much over. Al and Ling and I re-watched the hand-jive video a few more times, and I told them some of your Star Wars jokes, but that was pretty much it. Crashed pretty soon after that.”

“I’m glad that the dance went well.”

“The flash mob part of it did, the rest was about as boring as it usually is. The punch was confiscated super fast, so nobody got tipsy.”

Winry snorted again. “What a terrible, _terrible_ shame.”

“Al had some. He accused me of trying to melt his insides.”

“Oh?” Winry raised an eyebrow. “What’d you put in there, ethanol?”

“Peach schnapps. Close enough.”

“Oh, _gross_!”

Ed laughed. “I got to watch my history teacher drink some and then spew it all over the place. That was pretty awesome. He’s this nuclear family man and he’s always waving around pictures of his kid, and sneaks them into notes slides. ‘ _In January of 1942 United States and Philippines troops fought in the Battle of Bataan… Aw and look at my little Elicia! Isn’t she the cutest little girl you ever saw_?’”

Winry’s eyes were wide. “Actually?”

“Yup.” Ed nodded solemnly, then took a sip of his drink. “Ever since she was born. Before that it was wedding pictures, though he peppers the lot with pictures of his wife still.”

“Well. That’s incredibly sweet in a really weird way,” Winry said.

“That about sums up Hughes, yeah.”

“Do you… I mean I’ve done a ton of World War history too, but… since it’s military school, does your history class focus _more_ on the military?”

“Uh, well. I don’t really have a basis for comparison,” Ed answered, setting his mug down and running a hand back through his hair. “I don’t think so? I mean, standardized testing and whatever is still the same, so.”

“Huh. I never really thought of it that way. Did you go to public school _before_ Royal Amestris?” Winry asked. She blew on her drink and then took a sip. Ed tried not to get lost in the small details.

“Oh, yeah, right up until. Military school is a culture shock, coming from that, let me tell you. Ling’s always been in private school, so it was like a cakewalk for him beyond his usual dickish tendencies, but… I felt so freakin’ out of place freshman year. Al, coming in, had me at least. I don’t think it was as bad for him.”

Ed and Winry kept conversation up for the duration of their breakfast eating, talking more about school curriculum and the differences between public and private schools. Winry asked more questions about life at Royal Amestris, and Ed did his best to answer while completely drunk on her presence. With their empty plates and mugs pushed out of the way, one of Winry’s hands rested on the table, and she leaned into their conversation. At some point Ed had sidled his chair a little closer to her, and had leaned in as well. The guise of pleasant conversation melted into cute and awkward exchanges of smiles, lip biting, and oh, so much blushing. Ed’s face, neck, and ears burned, and Winry had an adorable flush across her cheeks.

Ed couldn’t help but think that missing a digit that day when he had meant to text his brother was probably one of the best mistakes he had ever made.

40 minutes into their date, Ed found the courage to reach out and touch her hand.

Winry’s blush deepened, and she smiled at him shyly.

They laced their fingers together. Ed swallowed, mouth suddenly dry, then leaned in a little more as he brought their hands to his mouth and kissed her fingers.

“Oh my _gosh_ , Ed,” she whispered.

Ed gave her a crooked grin, pleased at the reaction.

For a little while they just looked at one another.

Finally Ed leaned in and kissed her.

It was hesitant at first. Soft, sweet, questioning. Then they both smiled into it, making the lining up of things a little awkward momentarily, but that didn’t last for long. Winry squeezed the hand she was holding while Ed brought his other up to her face, touching her cheek very gently.

When they pulled away, Winry leaned her forehead against Ed’s.

“I’ve been daydreaming about that since I saw you last week,” Winry said, a little breathless.

Ed nodded, then he kissed her again.  
  
  
***  
  
  
They kissed at the Starbucks table for a solid ten minutes, damn the PDA and damn everything else, because it wasn’t like either of them was aware of anyone else’s existence anyway. Then Ed’s phone gave him the half and hour warning for the bus. They bundled up and moved outside, holding hands all the way, almost unwilling to let go. They kissed more on the sidewalk, Winry leaning against the brick exterior wall, their bodies pressed together ever so slightly; they were still both tentative. They held hands and touched each others faces, whispering laughs to each other when they surfaced to breathe.

“I feel like I’ve found the secret to life, the universe, and everything,” Winry said, playing with the top of Ed’s shirt through his open jacket. She looked up at him from her fingers, eyes shining.

“What, it isn’t 42?” Ed asked. His phone was playing the ten minute warning in his pocket, and he was struggling to resist the urge to pitch it across the parking lot.

Winry shook her head. “Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“This.” Then they were kissing again, another in a long, long line of wonderful kisses spanning the most spectacular morning of Edward Elric’s life. His alarm went off again, and Ed groaned in frustration. He pulled away from Winry’s mouth, as much as he didn’t want to.

“I have to go, or I’m going to catch hell.”

Winry nodded. “I know. I’ll see you next weekend, though. Right? For the show?”

“Yeah. And I’ve got the day. I had my dad book the time for me. He’ll be in town. So. So he’ll come get me when the show’s over and I’ll stay at his hotel, go back to school on Sunday.”

“What time will you leave school on Saturday?”

“Noon.” Ed gave her one more kiss, then started pulling reluctantly away, backing into the parking lot in the vague direction of the bus stop.

Winry gave him smile that was a cross between sly and shy. “ _So…_ lots of time for making out in my car, then?”

Ed gave her his best shit-eating grin as he continued to move away. “Fucking A!”  
  
  
***  
  
  
Saturday Morning, November 1st

(11:20) **SOOOOOOO!?!?!**

(11:20) **How did it go, brother?!?!**

(11:22) I wanna kiss that girl for the rest of my freakin’ life

(11:24) **AAAAHHHH!!!! WAY TO GO BROTHER!!!!!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments and kudos keep me writing. Thanks for all the love <33333


	17. Tiger Beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- **_Bolded, Underlined Italics_** is Hohenheim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the extended absence! I've actually been pretty ill. Please see the end of the chapter for a more in depth explanation, if you're so inclined. :)

Saturday Morning, November 1st

(11:40) _Paninnnnyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!_

(11:42) is that a desperately wounded text-screech, or a embarrassedly excited one

(11:43) they need text inflections for shit like this, i mean, seriously

(11:44) or throw a girl a smiley face, win, don’t string me along

(11:46)  _!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

(11:47) _DOES THAT CLEAR A FEW THINGS UP!!!!!!!_

(11:49) emojis AND eight-million exclamations AND capslock ????????

(11:50) YOU KISSED HIS STUPID FACE, DIDN’T YOU

(11:52) _YES!!!! A LOT!!!! LIKE, A LOT A LOT!!!!!_

(11:54) winry has boooooy cooties, winry has boooooooooooy cooties!!!!!

(11:56) he must not’ve been total shit for a retelling of that calibre

(11:58) _He was the OPPOSITE of total shit, like. I wouldn’t care if I were on the verge of suffocation, I would just go ahead and die happy all glued to his lips._

(11:59) go ed go

(11:59) he should’ve just tracked you down and laid one on you from the start then, would’ve saved himself a lot of crap-ass wooing

(12:01) and you a lot of wading through the weirdness

(12:02) _I think it’s a mutual sort of weirdness._

(12:04) whatever you say, dr seuss

 

***

 

Saturday Afternoon, November 1st

(12:04) _Brace yourself._

(12:06) Not sure anything could throw off my vibe right now, but do your worst oh She Who Is Too Fond of Unsettling Lead-Ins

(12:09) _Edward Elric’s Dating Tips #8:_

(12:12) AW CMON, NUTS TO THAT

(12:14) _Kiss her stupid so that you’re all she can think about._

(12:16) …

(12:16) You get a pass

(12:16) THIS TIME

(12:18) _Seriously, though; did you take lessons or something to become so Kissing Accomplished?_

(12:21) Oh yeah, nights and weekends at good ole Mack it Up Community College

(12:22) Glowing referrals follow me around like stray puppies

(12:25) _That makes you sound kinda promiscuous, friend._

(12:27) Well since by ‘glowing referrals’ I actually meant ‘an assortment of daydreams’ I’m not too worried about my reputation

(12:28) Or maybe I am…

(12:28) ??

(12:29) ANYHOOT, if I’m a good kisser it’s dumb luck

(12:31) _Yeah, sure it is, hot boy._

(12:33) … hot boy !? !

(12:34) Now I’m concerned that we accidentally went on dates with other people

(12:36) _Pfft! Don’t be modest. You’re like, cover of Tiger Beat drool-worthy._

(12:38) What the shit is Tiger Beat

(12:40) _A magazine for girls filled with pictures of teen actors and musicians._

(12:43) I am neither of those things

(12:45) _I am sure they would make an exception for a smokin’, science-y dork._

(12:48) Seriously, you were at Starbucks, right

(12:50) _Oh shut up and take the compliment. I think you’re hot! This isn’t news to you, Pan text screamed it at you WEEKS AGO, for goodness sake._

(12:53) Eh, k I guess

(12:55) _Baby._

(12:57) Uh

(12:58) Cupcake?

(1:00) _...What the heck, Ed._

(1:03) … you were calling me A baby, gotcha

(1:05) _If I were going to call you a pet name, I’d come up with something better than ‘baby’._

(1:06) _Like… I dunno. Prince Hotbod?_

(1:08) Hahahahahahahaaaaaa does that mean I get to call you Lady Quietbottom ??

(1:10) Or DUCHESS GUMMYBUNS

(1:13) _Edward Elrics Dating Tips #9: Make jokes about her ass, even abstract, Adventure Time-styled, ones._

(1:15) *flips a table*

(1:19) _Drama queen._

(1:23) I think quiet bottom is on the verge of a compliment

(1:25) Expert fart holder-inner

(1:28) _… what the hell is wrong with you?_

(1:30) Wha ??

(1:33) _Go show that to your brother. Go show that to him right now!_

(1:35) Jesus donut-eating christ

(1:36) Yes drill sergeant

(1:40) He glared at me and smacked me

(1:42) And said, “Brother, NO”

(1:44) _Good._

(1:43) _Dummy._

(1:45) Sadist

(1:47) _You seem like a masochist, so I guess I’m in good company._

(1:49) RUDE

(1:51) _Callin’ um like I see um, remember? You can stick a bugle on a pony’s forehead, that doesn’t make him a baby unicorn!_

(1:53) …

(1:54) What the balls kind of metaphor is that

(1:55) How would sticking a bugle on a horse even remotely illustrate a unicorn comparison

(1:57) _How would it not? It’s cone-shaped, so it makes a tiny like horn, so…?_

(1:59) You’ve seen some fucked up bugles, Win

(2:01) _OMG._

(2:03) 

(2:03) _LEARN YOUR SHAPES._

(2:05) I THOUGHT YOU MEANT LIKE LITERAL HORNS, LIKE THE INSTRUMENT

(2:06) 

(2:07) LIKE, A PONY WITH A FOREHEAD PLAYING REVEILLE AND SHIT

(2:09) _Hahhahhaha oh God, all I can image now is a freakin’ horse with an actual brass instrument on it’s head going ‘No, really, I’m a unicorn! Check out my horn!’_

(2:11) Lol

(2:12) Okay, okay

(2:14) Before I confuse anymore snack foods for instruments, Al’s dragging me on a run

(2:15) And probably for a manners lesson, because SOME PEOPLE are MEAN

(2:17) _Says the dude who suggested that calling me ‘not farty’ was a compliment._

(2:19) _Were you raised by dogs?_

(2:22) I think we can both agree that dogs would prefer more smell to less

(2:34) So that is a grossly inaccurate assumption

(2:36) _Whatever; the point still stands that your complimenting abilities are severely lacking._

(2:38) I put that energy to greater pursuits

(2:40) _Pfft, sure you do. Like what?_

(2:43) Making sure good-looking ladies know Ed Elric’s got kissin’ phinesse

(2:44) YO

(2:47) _You are. The biggest. Dorkwad._

(2:49) I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I

(2:50) OH YEAH, HOT AND GOOD AT KISSING

(2:51) NO TAKE-BACKS, GEARHEAD

(2:51) BYEEEEEEEEEEEEeeee

(2:53) _*eyeroll*_

 

***

 

Saturday Evening, November 1st

(6:04) So, like, this tiger beat shit

(6:06) _... Yes?_

(6:08) Since when are vine stars and youtubers teen idols

(6:08) ??

(6:10) _Since both YouTube and Vine became a sort of integral part of the entertainment industry?_

(6:12) Other than One Direction and Selena Gomez, I don’t know who half these freakin’ people are

(6:14) _Not sure that that particular industry is aiming to appeal to seventeen year old boys, Ed._

(6:16) Sure, but I consider myself at /least/ moderately pop culture aware

(6:17) When did Justin Bieber start making constipated faces in his selfies

(6:19) _Not really something I track._

(6:21) ‘what will the biggest beauty trend of 2015 be?’

(6:22) Why is there no custom option

(6:22) ??

(6:23) Fuck your ‘big, bold eyebrow’, rainbow that shit

(6:25) _You think that the biggest beauty trend next year is going to be rainbow eyebrows?_

(6:27) Sure, why the hell not

(6:28) ‘what do you think of harry [styles]’s braids’

(6:28) Custom answer: Why does anyone give two fucks

(6:30) _Did you actually go look up Tiger Beat after your run?_

(6:32) Yeah I’m looking at their neon pink website right now

(6:34) They had this thing, answer six questions and get a free HD poster

(6:35) I got one of Zayn Malik, completed unrelated to any of my answers

(6:36) I was gunning for an HD print off of Harrison Ford

(6:38) _I don’t think their archives go back that far._

(6:40) Which is total bullshit

(6:41) K, lets see who you get:

(6:41) Favorite male actor?

(6:42) _Burt Reynolds._

(6:44) Fuck yeah, Smokey!

(6:44) Favorite female actress

(6:46) _Oooh, that’s a tough one. Um… Gillian Anderson?_

(6:48) Niice

(6:48) Favorite singer

(6:50) _Adele, probably._

(6:52) Favorite group?

(6:54) _Hanson, duh._

(6:56) Favorite TV show

(6:58) _Oh, God. Er. Right /now/ I guess… Once Upon a Time?_

(7:00) I dig it

(7:01) K, last one… favorite star?

(7:03) _Like, literal constellation, or celebrity?_

(7:05) I’m gonna take a stab with celeb

(7:08) _How famous we talking here?_

(7:10) Flip if I know, but that vine kid who tried to tell girls what was attractive and what’s not could apparently be your soul mate, so

(7:10) The spectrum’s probably pretty broad

(7:12) _Markiplier, then?_

(7:14) Freakin’ his shit playing Five Nights at Freddy’s, that Markiplier ?

(7:16) _Are there other Markipliers?_

(7:17) Iiiiiii don’t konw

(7:18) Mariplier it is

(7:19) BIG REVEAL TIME

(7:21) _The excitement is contagious._

(7:23) RIGHT

(7:25) Who in the name of potatoes is Ross Lynch

(7:27) _Wasn’t he in Austin and Ally?_

(7:29) The Disney channel show

(7:29) ??

(7:31) Well that’s crap

(7:33) SCREW YOU TIGER BEAT

(7:35) _I don’t know what you were expecting._

(7:35) _Weirdo._

(7:37) I don’t know either

(7:38) Something more gratifying than this

(7:39) Liiiiiiiiiiiiiike

(7:40) How does Justin Timberlake like his paragraphs

(7:42) _Wild shot in the dark here, but--- /Justified/?_

(7:44) Damn

(7:45) Okay, Okay

(7:46) What does Missy Elliot say when it’s cold

(7:46) ??

(7:48) _No idea, what?_

(7:49) Get Yur Fleece On

(7:50) _Haha, oh gosh._

(7:51) _I’ve got one for you:_

(7:52) _Which rock band makes the best cookies?_

(7:54) I dunno, which one

(7:56) _Oreo Speedwagon._

(7:58) Heh

(7:58) How about: Who is the most bubbly pop star on the planet ??

(8:00) _Do tell._

(8:01) Katy Perrier

(8:03) _Oh, /groan/. Where do you even find these?_

(8:05) I have my wily ways

(8:06) Here’s a doozy

(8:06) Have you heard Kayne is branching into erotic fiction for his new novel ?

(8:08) _Ew._

(8:10) Yup. It’s called ‘Fifty Shade of Cray’

(8:12) _o.O_

(8:13) _You should probably be ashamed of yourself._

(8:15) Probably

(8:17) _I’ve got another pretty awful one._

(8:19) I’m all ears

(8:19) Or eyes, I guess

(8:22) _What’s the preferred type of social networking for nu metal bands?_

(8:24) No idea

(8:26) _LinkedIn Park._

(8:28) And YOU said ew to Kanye

(8:29) That’s Price is Right Losing Horn lame

(8:30) AND outdated

(8:32) _Linkin Park still makes music! They released an album this year!_

(8:33) _They were even on Top 40 for a while!_

(8:35) I can’t think of one song that came after Numb

(8:36) And I was like, /six/ when that was released

(8:38) _You suck._

(8:40) Nope

(8:41) Which member of the Funky Bunch is best at putting up tents?

(8:42) _Who?_

(8:44) Marquee Mark

(8:46) _I can’t believe I let you kiss me._

(8:48) _I am killing this. Killing it dead. Right now._

(8:48) _I can physically /feel/ my sanity fleeing._

(8:50) And YOU called ME a drama queen

(8:52) I’m just harkening back to our humble beginnings, Cupcake

(8:54) _There is something wrong in your brain._

(8:56) Probably

(8:57) But you started it with the dick jokes

(8:59) _Believe that I regret it._

(9:02) Ah, but I really, really don’t

(9:04) _I’m going to bed before you start telling more._

(9:06) Dick jokes or music jokes ??

(9:10) _ANY jokes._

(9:11) _You can’t be trusted._

(9:13) Nope

(9:14) Can I call you tomorrow

(9:16) _Only if you promise not to tell anymore awful jokes._

(9:18) I can’t make promises like that; it’s against my nature

(9:20) _For which you should be ashamed, Edward._

(9:23) Won you over, didn’t it?

(9:25) _No comment. :)_

(9:26) _Good night!_

(9:28) Night, Winry

(9:28) Talk to you tomorrow

(9:29) (I will prepare a fresh onslaught of shitty jokes, aw yeah!)

(9:31) _(NO.)_

 

***

 

Sunday Morning, November 2nd

(5:15) **_GOOD MORNING, EDWARD_**

(5:20) UGH

(5:21) 1) why the hell are you texting me at 5:30 in the morning ON A FRICKIN SUNDAY

(5:22) And 2) how many times do Al and I have to tell you that using all caps is the equivalent of screaming on the internet before you STOP

(5:24) **_YOU USE CAPITALS FREQUENTLY. THERE ARE TWO EXAMPLES IN YOUR RESPONSE(S)._**

(5:26) The difference is that I’M ACTUALLY YELLING

(5:27) It’s this great thing called tone, mixed with inflection

(5:28) A /usually/ effective means of conveying emotion in text

(5:30) **_WHAT DO / / MEAN?_**

(5:32) I italicized

(5:34) **_AH, I UNDERSTAND; IS THAT YOUR TEXTING MEANS OF CONVEYING SARCASM?_**

(5:36) Good fucking god, Hohenheim

(5:37) Just answer the questions

(5:38) **_I AM INQUIRING AFTER YOUR DATE. HOW DID IT GO?_**

(5:39) **_AND I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CAPITAL LETTERS, BUT I HAVE ACTIVATED SOME SETTING THAT I AM UNABLE TO REVERSE._**

(5:41) You’re a potential fucking nobel prize candidate and you can’t change settings on your phone ??

(5:43) **_HARDLY MY DISCIPLINE, EDWARD._**

(5:45) How do you even use lab equipment, like

(5:47) You know what, never mind

(5:49) Who the hell says I had a date

(5:49) ??

(5:51) **_YOUR BROTHER._**

(5:53) Well NATURALLY, that shit

(5:55) It was fine, thanks

(5:57) **_THIS IS THE SAME GIRL WITH WHOM YOU WILL BE ATTENDING THE CONCERT?_**

(5:59) Yeah

(6:01) **_DO YOU LIKE HER, EDWARD?_**

(6:03) The hell kind of question is that ?? Why would I be going out with her if I didn’t like her

(6:05) **_WELL, I MIGHT BE AN OLD FART NOW, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE THAT TIMES HAVE CHANGED SO DRASTICALLY THAT THERE’S NO LONGER SUCH A THING AS ‘PLAYING THE FIELD’._**

(6:07) … please quit while you’re ahead

(6:09) **_YOU MIGHT HAVE WILD OATS TO SOW; HOW WOULD I KNOW SINCE YOU HIDE THINGS FROM ME?_**

(6:11) Just because I don’t join in on yours and Al’s little secret sharing slumber parties doesn’t mean I’m sow-ing… /anything/

(6:13) Apparently I missed the memo where I was made obligated to share my social calendar with you

(6:15) **_IF SHE IS AS LOVELY AS ALPHONSE DESCRIBES, I JUST CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD WANT TO KEEP TO YOURSELF._**

(6:16) **_IF SHE LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE HER MOTHER, DOUBLE THAT. SARAH WAS A BREATH-TAKING WOMAN._**

(6:17) I didn’t realize that going to Starbucks for coffee was a relationship milestone

(6:18) Keep your fucking pants on, Hohenheim

(6:20) **_I WISH YOU WOULD SWEAR LESS._**

(6:22) And I wish you wouldn’t text me a dick-oclock, but here we are

(6:23) Look, can I /call/ you about it, if you’re that damn curious ??

(6:23) When I am more-or-less awake and coherent, and don’t have plans to murder my brother

(6:23) ??

(6:25) **_THAT WOULD BE FINE._**

(6:26) **_ADDITIONALLY, YOU AND ALPHONSE SHOULD BE RECEIVING A PACKAGE THIS WEEK, IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY._**

(6:28) I don’t think either of us have checked the mail

(6:29) Why, what’d you send us

(6:31) **_CONDOMS._**

(6:33) For FUCKS sake

(6:35) **_LITERALLY, YES. SAFETY FIRST!_**

(6:37) I can’t believe I’m related to you

(6:39) **_YOU’RE WELCOME._**

(6:40) **_SEE, I CAN BE FUNNY!_**

(6:42) I have no response to that

 

***

 

Sunday Morning, November 2nd

(8:04) **Brother.**

(8:06) Yo

(8:08) **Why did I wake up covered in condoms?**

(8:10) Ask dad, shitface

(8:11) I’ll pass the phone to you when I’m calling him to tell him all about my date

(8:14) **Touche.**

(8:16) **Where do you get this many condoms? Ling?**

(8:18) Dad sent them to us

(8:20) **... Gross.**

(8:22) YUP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
>  
> 
> We're hoping we get it all sorted by October...!


	18. Bad Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long absence! I also recently posted a short story in this universe, Juno: http://archiveofourown.org/works/6276295

Sunday Afternoon, November 2nd

(12:15) So there’s this thing

(12:15) And I’m not sure whether it’s weirdly genius or just plain weird

(12:17) _If you’re talking about your dick, we’re breaking up._

(12:19) … I can see how you might think that, but no, I am not talking about my dick

(12:20) It could involve dicks, I guess, or /does/ presumably, but not my dick specifically

(12:21) Also, how could my dick be weirdly genius

(12:23) _You started this conversation, don’t ask me. I don’t claim to be a dick expert; I’m just sitting here trying to eat Froot Loops in peace._

(12:25) Well, I mean, seriously… some might argue, I guess, but it’s not like penises are sentient

(12:25) They can’t be villainous masterminds, or sexually deviant in their own right

(12:26) My brain would determine the general weirdness of my dick, like, in terms of what gets it going

(12:28) _I can honestly say that this is not how I expected my Sunday morning to go._

(12:30) WELL it’s technically afternoon, so

(12:31) How’d you expect it to go

(12:33) _Oh, you know, more along the lines of a sweet, flirty, endearing phone conversation._

(12:34) _Less dicks._

(12:36) Says the Queen of Dick Jokes

(12:36) I DIGRESS

(12:37) There’s this app called Tinder

(12:39) _Thaaaaaaaat presumably has something to do with dicks?_

(12:41) Yes, but--as established--not my dick specifically

(12:42) It’s like a dating app, I guess, where you swipe right if you think someone is hot, and left if you’re not interested, and then you can hook up

(12:43) With the hot person, I mean

(12:43) If they’re into you too

(12:45) _Uh huh._

(12:46) _And you’re looking at dating apps, because…?_

(12:48) OH

(12:48) OH NO NO NO

(12:48) !!!!!!!!

(12:50) Not looking, not at all, Ling showed me

(12:51) Like I said, my dick is entirely uninvolved

(12:53) _Ling showed you a hookup app._

(12:54) _Isn’t he supposed to be secretly (or not so secretly) in love with Lan Fan?_

(12:56) Yeah, idk what’s up with them, and I don’t even try to pretend to know or care how Dickling’s cogs turn

(12:58) _”How Dickling’s Cogs Turn.” Sounds like a porno._

(1:00) Or the worst soap opera you’ve ever seen

(1:02) _I’m not even going to bother asking why you call him Dickling._

(1:04) Honestly I think it’s pretty self-explanatory

(1:05) In other news

(1:05) My dad sent Al and I a massive box of condoms

(1:07) _Huh._

(1:07) _Are your Sunday mornings always this interesting?_

(1:09) Only when I go on dates the day before, apparently

(1:09) ??

(1:11) He texted me at 5-freakin-am to ask me how things went

(1:13) _Aw!_

(1:15) No. Nope. Not even a little bit /aw/

(1:16) The least /aw/. The ANTI-/AW/

(1:17) He texts in all caps and can’t figure out why, and apparently puns about fucking are his new thing

(1:19) _Gross._

(1:21) YOU HAVE NO IDEA

(1:24) _So, to recap: So far your Sunday morning has included condom delivery and puns about sex, FROM YOUR DAD, and introduction to a hookup app by your presumably also underaged buddy who may or may not actually be in love with his-- what was it? Ass-kicking pseudo-girlfriend or something like that?_

(1:27) I also had like, nine waffles

(1:27) But yeah, pretty much

(1:28) OH and I took most of the condoms out of the box(es) (not out of wrappers) and dumped them all over Al while he was sleeping

(1:30) _...Because…?_

(1:33) Not sure valid reasons are required for most anything of that nature done by a big brother to a littler brother, BUT

(1:34) He told dad about our date

(1:36) _Ah._

(1:37) _Thus he is partially responsible for sex puns._

(1:39) And Bingo was his name-o

(1:39) !!

(1:42) _Speaking of sex puns…_

(1:44) YOU SAID NO JOKES

(1:46) _I lied._

(1:46) _Thank God for nipples. Without them, boobs would be pointless._

(1:48) Are you just

(1:49) Are you Googling sex puns right now

(1:51) _You can’t prove anything._

(1:52) _What do you have when you have both a man’s balls in your hand? His undivided attention._

(1:54) WINRY

(1:56) _On some level, Edward, you asked for this._

(1:57) _What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use lube!_

(1:59) IMPLYING I DESERVE THIS IS A NEW LEVEL OF CRUEL

(2:00) SO HERE: I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it

(2:02) _Hurr._

(2:04) _So, I’m trying to write a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot._

(2:06) Cheesus rice

(2:07) Just remember, you started this

(2:08) The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired

(2:10) _Hold up a tick. Am I /actually/ seeing the expletive “cheesus rice”?_

(2:12) The world of inappropriate sex puns, and you get the giggles from a childish means to blaspheme Jesus

(2:14) _Who says I’m giggling!_

(2:16) If you’re not, I’ll eat a condom, package and all

(2:18) _Ew._  
  
(2:19) _That gives new meaning to: “For my next trick, I need a condom and a volunteer!”_

(2:21) HA

(2:24) Most visceral magic show of YOUR LIFE

(2:26) Interpret that however you like

(2:28) _Probably not the best advice, that._

(2:30) _So are you gonna call me, or is this how we’re going to have pun this afternoon?_

(2:33) I see what you did there, Winry Rockbell, don’t think that I missed that on purpose type-o

(2:24) Gimme two minutes

 

***

 

[Calling Winry Rockbell]

“ _Hello_?”

“I should really just take puns away from you, you know. You abuse the privilege.”

“ _Puns are a privilege now_?”

“So I decree, so it shall be done!”

“ _Lord Edward, the idiot_.”

“Sssh. So. I assume you finished your Froot Loops?”

“ _Yep. Have long since moved on to a ham sandwich_ ”

“I guess I did first text you at like, noon. Our conversations have a tendency to fly off on tangents.”

“ _Usually dick tangents_.”

“There are worse things than dick tangents. Like. _Meth_. Or. Uh. Well any drug I guess, really. Or cigarettes. Or… Oh, I dunno... graffiti-ing the side of a school building with the phrase ‘Eat a dick, Mustang!’”

“ _You didn’t_.”

“No. But I’m pretty freakin’ tempted.”

“ _Why? What’d he ‘do’ now?_ ”

“Did you make air quotes when you said ‘do’? You totally did. Your lack of faith in the veracity of my claims is disturbing, FYI.”

“ _You haven’t actually_ made _any claims, Edward_.”

“Right. Well. Semantics. Anywho. I was minding my own business at breakfast, gorging myself on waffles, and Ling and I were doing a crossword--”

“ _Wait, you and Ling do crossword puzzles together?_.”

“The New York Times, yeah. Why?”

“ _*snort* Aha, no reason_.”

“What?”

“ _You and your friends are super weird, like. *snort*_ ”

“Why? What’s weird about doing crossword puzzles together?”

“ _I dunno? I think most people would be playing Minecraft or snap-chatting or something._ ”

“When we’re right across from one another at the breakfast table? What do you and Paninya do if you’re eating together? Sit staring at your phones the whole time, ignoring one another?”

“ _Well. No. We just talk, I guess._ ”

“Yeah, and every conversation that Ling and I have veers toward my wanting to punch him, so. We had to come up with some sort of mealtime truce. We get bored easy too, so crossword uses brain power, makes us communicate together, and amazingly doesn’t _usually_ end in either a yelling match or a fist fight, so.”

“ _Huh_.”

“It was Al’s idea.”

“ _That makes sense. He seems like the neutral ground sort._ ”

“Yeah, I should really just start calling him Switzerland.”

“ _Okay, so you’re eating waffles and crosswording with Ling_...”

“Right! Yeah, so we’re just there, and we’re stuck on some dumb cryptic clue…”

“ _Cryptic clue?_ ”

“Yeah, there’s different types; like fucked up anagrams and shit. This one was… like charades? The clue was ‘outlaw leader managing money’, for seven letters.”

“ _Did you figure out the answer?_ ”

“Yeah, it’s ‘banking’.”

“ _... Huh?_

“The first two words are the answer, the second two are a clue in relation to them. So to outlaw something is to ‘ban’ it, and a leader can be a ‘king’. And a means of managing money is ‘banking’. So. Banking.”

“ _I am not sure that that actually makes sense._.”

“Other clues we answered fed into it, so we already had some of the letters. Ling and I can’t usually figure them out without a little hint, though I’m okay with the anagrams.”

“ _I thought crossword puzzles usually stated when they’re asking for anagrams?_ ”

“Easy ones. The cryptic ones are more like the ‘banking’ clue. Like… Um. Well, they’re a little more complicated to explain because the use indicators? When we started doing crosswords they used to piss us the hell off, because what the fuck, but you sort of get used to it. Um…. um um um. Okay, so like. (I’m googling examples because I can’t think of any off the top of my head.) Ooh, okay, how about: Chaperone shredded corset, six letters.”

“ _’Chaperone shredded corset’. Chaperone… so. Okay, so it’s an anagram…_ ”

“Yep.”

“ _The only six letter word is corset. So the anagram is probably off that word?_ ”

“Mmmhmm… Keep going.”

“ _So what did you mean be indicator, exactly?_ ”

“Well one of the words is basically a suggestion. Like. To the anagram. Kinda… conferring change? Like A [decoded] = B. Ish.”  
“ _So the indicator in that clue is probably ‘shredded’._ ”

“Probably.”

“ _Um. Okay. So then the anagram or corset is going to be a synonym for chaperone?_ ”

“Exactly.”

“ _Huh. Okay. Um…_ ”

“Ahem. *whistles the Jeopardy theme song*”

“ _Ha ha. Jerk. Uh. Hmm…_

[Phone static]

“ _Oh! ‘Escort’!_ ”

“Ding ding ding! Winner winner chicken dinner.”

“ _Ha! Awesome! See, now, I could do that! I mean, that’s a weird puzzle, but that clue wasn’t half as nonsensical as that charades one._ ”

“And that’s why Ling and I like crosswords.”

“ _Huh._ ”

“Yeah.”

“ _Okay! So. You were solving cryptic crossword clues and eating waffles…_ ”

 “Right! Holy crap I forgot what we were talking about. Right, so we’re doing that, having a silent but vicious waffle-eating contest simultaneously, and then Mustang strolls up to the table all la-de-fucking-da. He hands me some papers about the Science and Engineering fair to give to Hohenheim, and tells me there’s a business-y dress code, but he asked, and I can wear my uniform if I don’t want to wear a suit or something.”

“ _Uh-huh…_ ”

“So I’m like, ‘okay, whatever, I’ll probably wear my uniform’ because then I don’t have to think about ties and shit. And he goes, ‘oh, good’ with this stupid fucking smirk on his face and says, ‘because I seem to remember someone in summer orientation in platform sneakers and a leather jacket, and I don’t think that’s an impression the judges would look favorably on’. Then he _walks away whistling_.”

“ _Oh, Ed. You’re totally overreacting._ ”  
“Well come on! Like I’d go to some international science fair all strapped up like Sid Vicious. Sweats or sneakers or something, maybe, but Al’d kill me. He dressed me for our date, for Christ’s sake.”

“ _Haha, did he really_?”

“Yeah. In terms of first physical impressions, meeting at the mall was pretty much it for me. I don’t even know where that shirt I was wearing yesterday came from.”

“ _So not only does Al dress you, he buys your clothes?_ ”

“No! Well. Sometimes. I guess. Dress shit.”

“ _Ha. That’s awesome._ ”

“Whatever. Anyway. I don’t even own a leather jacket anymore.”

“ _But you did. And platform sneakers._ ”

“... I wasn’t exactly the tallest dude, alright?”

“ _Heh._ ”

“Shut up.”

“ _So you were trying to be all punk rock at your orientation? Make the teachers think you were totally bad ass_?”

“I _was_ totally bad ass. _AM_ totally bad ass.”

“ _Sure you are. Nothing says ‘bad ass’ quite like a Doctor Who t-shirt. Or doing breakfast crosswords with your buddy over waffles_.”

“I am totally fucking legitimate. Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy waffles.”

“ _Nope. Beer, coffee, and cigarettes only_.”

“Then fuck it, I’m redefining ‘bad ass’.”

“ _Not sure you have that kind of power. Besides, aren’t you like the antithesis of bad assery? I mean. You’re a science nerd, and you want to cosplay. You probably even play Dungeons and Dragons_.”

“... So what if I do?”

“ _Ha! I knew it!_ ”

“Dungeons and Dragons is totally bad ass. I’ve got a God damn battle bard.”

“ _Do you, and Al, and Ling play together_?”

“... So what if we do?”

“ _You’re freakin’ adorable_.”

“Shut up.”

“ _Do you own a Dungeons and Dragons t-shirt_?”

“Yes. And it’s _totally_ bad ass.”

“ _I doubt that._ ”

“I’ll text you a picture when we’re done on the phone. Then you’ll see.”

“ _Anyway. You’re totally overreacting about your teacher. He’s just trying to rile you because he can. Besides, didn’t you say he’s got a Star Wars poster on the back of his office door or something? He can’t really talk about lame-ness._ ”

“You’re really going above and beyond in shooting me down today, Win. ‘Lame’, ‘Not Bad Ass’, ‘Nerd’...”

“ _Callin’ ‘um like I see ‘um, remember._ ”

“Can’t a guy have a dream?”

“ _Well, the Big Bang Theory is making more of that kind of stuff pop culturally accessible, I guess?_ ”

“Not sure that the Big Bang Theory is making strides in claiming geeky people are cool.”

“ _Maybe not ‘cool’, per say, but… Mainstream?_ ”

“Mainstream isn’t cool.”

“ _Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, Edward._ ”

“Tch.”

“ _So, believe it or not, I’ve never actually played Dungeons and Dragons. Is it fun?_ ”

“I think so, but it might just be my nerdy bias.”

“ _Oh, stop sulking. It’s roleplay, though, right? You make a character and someone builds a world and your fight battles and things, yeah?_ ”

“Yeah, you’re an adventurer. Al’s our dungeon master; like, game controller. We play every month or so. It’s me, Ling, and Lan Fan, sometimes Mei.”

“ _Oh, it’s not like a one time thing, like a board game?_ ”

“No. Al built a world and each session is us doing stuff in it. As like a group of heroes kinda thing. Each session is like, 4 or 5 hours long.”

“ _Holy crap_.”

“Time just gets away from you when you’re really into it, or when you’re doing something really cool. Like, last time we played we were trying to be all diplomatic with this green dragon… We’d been travelling through the forest, and Ling’s character is a druid? And noticed that the area wasn’t a normal sort of forest, it was actually newer than other stuff we’d walked through. And then we figured out it was a dragon, so my character woke it up to talk to it. It wasn’t happy to be woken up.”

“ _Huh. And so… Al played the dragon?_ ”

“Yeah, he does all the NPCs.”

“ _NPCs?_ ”

“‘Not Played Characters.’ Oh, and since we were talking about Mustang, and him being _lamer than I could ever possibly be_ , he played with us in a session once.”

“ _Your teacher. Played Dungeons and Dragons with you._ ”

“Yeah. He built some bullshit character that just wanted to throw fireballs around all the time. But he heard us talking about it, said he hadn’t played since college, and asked if he could ‘guest star’ once in awhile. That was last spring, though; he hasn’t played with us since.”

“ _That’s hilarious. I really don’t understand how you can hold such a grudge against him. I can’t imagine any of my teachers doing anything socially with me._ ”

“He makes it easy, trust me.”

“ _If you say so. I’ve always wanted to watch people play, because I don’t really get it._ ”

“We probably won’t play again until Christmas break… Or we’ll try to, if Ling and Lan Fan can get back up here for New Years.”

“ _You’ll ring in the New Year playing Dungeons and Dragons._ ”

“With the added challenge of copious drinking, yeah. But you could come out to Resembool. If you wanted.”

“ _That might be pretty cool. Not sure that Granny would go for it. But maybe._ ”

“Cool.”

“ _Speaking of Granny, she’s calling me for dinner. Text you later?_ ”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

“ _Bye!_ ”

“See-ya.”

[Call Disconnected]

 

***

  
Sunday Evening, November 2nd

(7:20) _Still waiting for that ‘bad ass’ D &D t-shirt_.

(7:24) 

(7:26) _Ha! That’s totally awesome!_

(7:28) Told ya

(7:30) Wanna Netflix later

(7:34) _Sure! Finishing up some homework, so… gimme an hour?_

(7:36) Cool

(7:38) _I’ll text you when I’m done!_

(7:40) Sounds good

 

***

 

(8:45) 

(8:47) Laugh it up, Winry

(8:48) Remember you’re engaging a prank master, here

(8:50) I will find your weakness and I will EXPLOIT IT

(8:54) _I dare you to try._

(8:56) _Doctor Who?_

(8:58) Allons-y !!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please visit my INABD tumblr tag to see some absolutely amazing story fanart by fennethianell: (andhttp://alisoncooney.tumblr.com/tagged/it%27s+not+a+big+deal; she also did some pictures for Goodyear, a short story within this universe <333 There's also extended universe info and the fanart by other readers that I've shared before. Thank you everyone for all your kudos and comments; I appreciate them SO MUCH.


	19. Phrasing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- Underlined is Paninya  
> \- **Bold** is Alphonse  
>  \- _**underlined italics**_ is Roy  
>  \- **_{bold italics}_** is Riza

Monday Morning, November 3rd

(8:25) **Your proctologist called, he found your head**.

(8:30) You must have been born on a highway, because that’s where most accidents happen

(8:33) **It looks like your face caught on fire and someone had to put it out with a fork**.

(8:36) If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid

(8:41) **We all sprang from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough**.

(8:45) Jesus thinks you’re a dumbass

(8:49) **Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory**.

(8:53) Can I borrow your face? My ass is on vacation

(8:55) **I love what you’ve done with your hair! How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that**?

(8:57) I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you

(9:02) **I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse**.

(9:08) Speaking as an outsider… what do you think of the human race ??

(9:12) **Keep talking! Maybe someday you’ll say something intelligent!**

(9:15) If your brain was donated to science, science would return it

(9:17) **You’re about as sharp as a shoelace**.

(9:21) You look like a before picture

(9:23) **God made coke! God made pepsi! God made me (oh, so sexy)! God made rivers! God made lakes! God made you…! Well. We all make mistakes.**

  
***

(12:01)  _**Are you on duty for lunch?**_

(12:03) **_{Not today, sir. Why?}_**

(12:05) _**Stop calling me, sir. It’s weird.**_

(12:08) **_{I’ve called you sir for eight years, sir. Why’s it weird today?}_**

(12:10) _**You know why.**_

(12:13) **_{I’m afraid I don’t, sir.}_**

(12:15) _**Is this how you flirt? You need lessons.**_

(12:17) **_{If you’re offering, I think I’ll pass.}_**

(12:17) **_{Sir.}_**

(12:19) _** :( **_

(12:21) _**Anyway. I’m getting off track. I’ve got the Elrics in lunch hour detention again, but I’m hungry. Can you bring me a sandwich?**_

(12:24) **_{What did they do this time?}_**

(12:26) _**Texting in class. Edward in mine, Alphonse in Hughes’.**_

(12:27) _**They were texting each other a rash of insults for no reason other than to see who could make the other laugh in class.**_

(12:29) **_{That sounds about right. Who won, sir?}_**

(12:32) _**Stop calling me sir. It’s making me feel like a porn star.**_

(12:35) **_{Sir, there are some wires crossed in your brain.}_**

(12:36) _**I don’t see what that has to do with you calling me “sir” being weird.**_

(12:38) **_{I’m not sure that this is an appropriate conversation to have via text messaging._**

(12:38) **_{Sir.}_**

(12:40) _**You’re doing that on purpose.**_

(12:42) **_{What?}_**

(12:42) **_{Sir.}_**

(12:45) **_{Sir?}_**

(12:47) **_{Sir?}_**

(12:49) _**Sorry, I am wasting away because no one has brought me a sandwich. WOE. ALAS. WOE.**_

(12:52) **_{You still haven’t told me which of the Elrics won their little battle.}_**

(12:56) _**Oh, right, you’re tallying, aren’t you. Not sure teachers should have that sort of vested interest in their student’s personal idiocy. (Not that the Elric’s special brand of insanity can actually be explained.)**_

(12:58) **_{On the contrary, sir; meeting their father made a lot of things plain.}_**

(12:59) **_{And that’s rather hypocritical of you to suggest, considering your sought /them/ out so that you could play Dungeons and Dragons with them.}_**

(1:02) _**Touche.**_

(1:03) _**(Without an accent mark, that looks like I misspelled tush.)**_

(1:04) _**At any rate, I /did/ get reprimanded for that, despite my best arguments that I was attempting to foster a stronger relationship with that group, to hopefully deter their… /constant shenanigans/.**_

(1:06) **_{I daresay that the CO saw through your bullshit, sir.}_**

(1:09) _**I’m not talking to you anymore.**_

(1:10) _**I have wasted away, as some rude person did not bring me a sandwich.**_

(1:13) _**While I spent the lunch hour supervising detention.**_

(1:15) _**Over Elrics.**_

(1:17) _**Enduring their snideness on an empty stomach! WOE.**_

(1:19) **_{1. You are doing a terrible job of not talking to me.}_**

(1:20) **_{2. You set them detention.}_**

(1:21) **_{3. Alphonse Elric is many things, but he is not /snide/.}_**

(1:23) **_{4. You are a chemistry teacher, you do not work for Shakespeare in the Park. Please cease and desist your WOE-ing.}_**

(1:25) **_{5. I am not your mother.}_**

(1:26) **_{6. You STILL have not told me who won.}_**

(1:28) **_{SIR.}_**

(1:30) _**You’re mean.**_

(1:32) _**I guess I’ll just go spend my prep block in my office. Eating stale salt and vinegar chips out of my desk drawer. WOE-ING. DRAMATICALLY. SHAKESPEARE-ICALLY.**  
_

***

(1:42) _**Some kindly house elf left a sandwich on my desk.**_

(1:45) **_{Imagine that.}_**

(1:46) **_{They must have known you would go back to your office to nap through your prep block. Perceptive, those house elves. Wouldn’t you say, sir?}_**

(1:48) _**Verily. Forsooth.**_

(1:50) **_{You’ve used forsooth incorrectly, sir.}_**

(1:54) _**Yeah. I know.**_

(1:58) _**Hey, Riza?**_

(2:01) **_{Yes, Roy?}_**

(2:04) _**You free for dinner tonight?**_

(2:06) **_{Yes.}_**

(2:07) **_{Sir.}  
_**

***

(4:02) _**Alphonse had the winning insult, but they called it a draw, because they both laughed and got caught.**_

(4:04) **_{Thank you, sir.}_**

(4:05) **_{So it’s still 5 to 3 for Alphonse.}  
_**

***

(1:30) Fucking cock knuckle

(1:35) **You mean Mustang**?

(1:37) Yeah

(1:37) Not that you’re not a cock knuckle sometimes

(1:39) **What even /is/ a cock knuckle? Cocks don’t have knuckles, brother.**

(1:42) I DUNNO

(1:43) WHO CARES

(1:44) THE POINT IS: MUSTANG IS THE EMBODIMENT OF ONE

(1:47) **Okay, Ed. Mustang’s a cock knuckle. Why?**

(1:50) Because he put us in detention for texting in class, then spent that whole time he was supposedly “supervising” us texting

(1:51) Probably sexting Hawkeye

(1:54) **Gross, brother.**

(1:56) WELL

(1:58) **I’m not disagreeing with you; it was hypocritical. It’s hardly the first time, though.**

(2:00) That makes it worse

(2:01) It makes me want to pelt cellphones at his stupid face

(2:02) And like, 90s cellphones a la Zack Morris in Saved By the Bell

(2:03) Phone bricks, WHAM WHAM WHAM

(2:05) **I don’t want to be an accessory to your weird murder plot.**

(2:08) I don’t want to murder him

(2:10) I just want him to end up a little ugly

(2:11) Like, crooked nose, a few teeth missing

(2:12) Maybe the imprint of the phone keys on his face forever

(2:15) **Anyone who saw this without knowing that you’re joking would be very concerned about the state of your mental health, brother.**

(2:17) Yeah, well, what else is new

(2:19) Anyway

(2:20) If that was a draw, do you and I rematch next month

(2:20) ??

(2:22) **We could, I guess; or we could get someone not participating to act as judge.**

(2:24) Okay

(2:26) So if not Ling or Lan Fan, then…

(2:28) **Mei?**

(2:30) Nah she wants to shack up with you, she’d pick you

(2:31) I could ask Winry

(2:35) **If Mei is a no-go for the ‘shacking up’ reason, then the same goes for Winry**.

(2:27) The difference being Winry doesn’t think the sun shines out of my ass

(2:29) She’d tell it like it is

(2:32) **Well, that’s bullshit**.

(2:34) She would !!

(2:35) She gives me shit all the time, she wouldn’t pick me just because it’s me

(2:37) **Uh huh**.

(2:39) WHATEVER

(2:40) WHO THEN

(2:45) **Um.**

(2:46) **Do you think Winry’s friend would do it?**

(2:48) Paninya ??

(2:49) Uh

(2:50) I dunno, I guess

(2:52) **She doesn’t text either of us, so she wouldn’t have a precedent for how we type grammar. Or, well, how you /don’t/ anyway. She also doesn’t really /know/ either of us. Besides, from what you’ve told me, she probably has a sense of humor that would appreciate refee-ing our insanity.**

(2:54) Those who generously use contractions SHOULD NOT talk shit about other people’s grammar

(2:56) **You use contractions all the time!**

(2:58) YEAH and I DO NOT talk shit about other people’s grammar

(3:00) **Touchy, brother.**

(3:02) …

(3:04) 

(3:06) **I’m disowning you.**

(3:08) Yup, and I’m Elrond of Rivendell

***

(3:30) Just waiting to hear back from Winry

(3:31) About Paninya

(3:34) **Okie dokie.  
**

***

(2:45) This day is assed

(2:50) _Why?_

(2:53) Al and I got detention for texting in class, and Mustang fucking supervised and he spent the entire lunch hour sexting Hawkeye

(2:55) _... Dare I ask how you know he was sexting?_

(2:57) Well I don’t know if he was actually sexting

(2:57) But he was definitely texting

(2:58) And either Hawkeye or Hughes, or both

(2:59) But he definitely wasn’t playing clash of clans

(3:01) _Hughes… He’s the one with the cute kid?_

(3:03) Yeah

(3:05) _So you both managed to get caught texting in class? Were you texting each other?_

(3:07) Yeah, insults

(3:09) _Insults. Why, what’d he or you do?_

(3:11) Nothing. He and I and Ling and Lan Fan have an ongoing insult tournament

(3:13) _... Of course you do._

(3:15) First Monday of every month it’s the last month’s winner against whoever’s next in line. I won last month against Ling, and Al was my challenger

(3:17) _Who won?_

(3:19) Al probably, but we called it a draw because we both got caught; the object of the game is to get the other person caught; that’s really how you win

(3:21) _You guys need more constructive hobbies._

(3:24) Probably

(3:26) Al wants me to ask you to ask Paninya to judge our insults and pick a proper winner

(3:28) _I feel like I should be surprised by that request, but I’m really not. I’ll ask her._

(3:30) Thanks

(3:31) Al just thinks that she’s got the right sense of humour for it, but doesn’t know me (or him) enough to be bias

***

(3:30) _So. Weird request._

(3:34) i hope the fact that that statement did not make me nervous proves that my love for you knows no bounds

(3:36) _Your obvious devotion is appreciated._

(3:37) _Edward has asked if you would like to judge an insult contest, between him and his brother._

(3:38) _Apparently they have an ongoing game with their friends where on the first Monday of each month, the winner from the previous month and the new month’s challenger text insults back and forth in class; whoever laughs out loud/gets caught first is the loser._

(3:40) they sound like my kind of people

(3:41) this is my scene, man, but i have to ask… why?

(3:44) _They called it a draw because_ _they both laughed at it and got caught at the same time._

(3:46) no, i mean why does your asshole want me to do it

(3:47) couldn’t you? or do they not have the whole amestris royal populace to choose from?

(3:49) _Evidently you were Alphonse’s suggestion, as you are unbiased but seem to have an appropriate sense of humor._

(3:51) so what you’re saying is that your man boy has been telling people about my marvel limericks and disney satire

(3:52) i approve

(3:53) soooooooooooo sure!!! why the hell not !?

(3:56) _Okay; I’m giving Ed your number and he’s going to text you cropped screenshots._

(3:58) yes ma’am

(4:00) _Do not abuse this opportunity, Paninya! If I find out you started harassing him about me or something, I’m going to push a wrench in one ear and pull it out of the other!_

(4:02) after all that devotion acknowledgement, this is the thanks i get

(4:03) RUDE

(4:04) besides you should have thought of that before you gave him my number

(4:05) sucks to be yoooooooooooooou

(4:07) _Paninya!!_

(4:09) feel free to imagine me cackling deviously

(4:10) BECAUSE I TOTES AM, YO  


***

(3:59) got um

(4:03) have also officially saved you to my contacts as ‘winry’s asshole’

(4:05) … uh

(4:06) 

(4:09) heh

(4:15) LOL where the fuck do you guys find these insults

(4:16) how long have you been doing this???

(4:18) Since last fall

(4:19) Al (my brother) and I just started doing it one day, you know

(4:22) insulting siblings for no reason, like ya do, sure

(4:24) Right, and then our friends got in on it, because they always seem to

(4:27) friends have uncanny wiles in that respect

(4:29) i didn’t even have to whine after your phone number, WINRY GAVE YOU MINE

(4:30) can o’ worms, up in here

(4:33) I feel like you think I should be worried or something

(4:35) eh

(4:35) when i feel like it

(4:37) otherwise it’s all smoke bombs and challenging you to rap battles

(4:40) Hahah ha I can handle that

(4:43) i mean, here’s your cursory ‘break her heart i’ll run you over with my car’ text

(4:44) but i don’t think you’re an internet predator anymore

(4:46) and you two losers are basically every suck-fest naruto x hinata fanfic i’ve ever read

(4:47) so good job, i guess

(4:50) I wanna say thanks ??

(4:53) good boy

(4:56) anyway, i think the winner of your insult trade-off is whoever came up with that last one, because LOL

(4:57) i wanna write that shit on my brother’s face in sharpie while he’s sleepin, and i just might yet

(4:59) That was Al

(5:02) give him a high five from me

(5:04) I’ll slap him in the nose for you

(5:04) Thanks for officiating

(5:06) anytime!! happy to be of service  


***

(5:08) You win, and I’m supposed to give you a high five

(5:11) **Whoohoo! Go me!  
**

***

Monday Evening, November 3rd

(6:01) _Edward._

(6:04) Yes, ominous Winry ??

(6:06) _I just met your teachers._

(6:08) Which teachers

(6:09) NO

(6:11) _Oh, yes._

(6:12) _Paninya and I just met Mr. Mustang and Miss Hawkeye at TGI Fridays._

(6:14) WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

(6:16) _Well we didn’t seek them out or anything._

(6:17) _I had a coupon for 2 for 1 appys, and Granny is away this week, so Pan and I scrounged up some money and ordered some mozza sticks and spinach dip. I got up from the table to go to the bathroom just as the hostess was leading them to their table, and I turned around and crashed right into Mr. Mustang._

(6:18) _I guess I looked at him weird or something, like shell-shocked, because immediately he starts this smooth character routine like… Is he a politician?_

(6:20) No, but I won’t argue that he should be one

(6:21) Though I wouldn’t fucking vote for him

(6:24) _ANYWAY. I don’t want to be like, the /worst/, so I’m just apologetic and I’m going to brush it off, because, you know, it’s kind of awkward that I’ve just crashed into my boyfriend’s teacher, who he was bitching about sexting earlier in the day…_

(6:26) PHRASING, HOLY HELL, WHAT IS WITH EVERYONE TODAY

(6:28) _What?_

(6:30) You make it sound like I was bitching about having to sext Mustang

(6:31) Oh jesus my eyes are bleeding, gross gross gross gross

(6:33) _Edward._

(6:36) Like the engish language is fucking fucked, that sentence should not be able to make sense in multiple ways

(6:39)  

(6:40) _You’re raving. Get a grip._

(6:43) That whale doesn’t know me

(6:44) I HAVE NO CHILL

(6:46) _You don’t have to tell me that. What is this, Jerry Springer?_

(6:47) _ANYWAY._

(6:48) _So I’m going to ignore Mr. Mustang, for your sake, because I am not a shitty person, but…_

(6:50) You can’t tell me to calm down, then throw in buts with ellipses

(6:52) _Yeah, and you can’t crap on people for phrasing after ‘buts with ellipses’._

(6:55) 

(6:58) _Moving on! So, yes, I was going to just let the moment pass when boom, Paninya yells out: “Holy shit! It’s your asshole’s hand-jiving teachers!”_

(7:00) Jesus christ almighty

(7:02) _Yeah._

(7:03) _Naturally this statement both alarmed and intrigued Mr. Mustang and Miss Hawkeye, who looked at me with considerable confusion. I didn’t really have much choice but to explain._

(7:06) Oh god

(7:07) What did you tell them

(7:09) _That I was your girlfriend, and that you’d shown me the video, which I had, in turn, shown to my very loud and inappropriate friend._

(7:11) … fuck a luck a ding dong

(7:12) And did that smarmy, pompous ASSFACE smirk like Christmas had come early

(7:12) ??

(7:15) _Pretty much._

(7:16) _He asked me a little about myself, but yeah. Pretty sure he started plotting the second he heard the phrase ‘Edward Elric’s girlfriend’._

(7:18) Not that I don’t like you calling yourself that

(7:19) Because, you know, I really REALLY do

(7:20) But fuck

(7:22) _Phrasing_.

(7:24) Lol

(7:26) Well tomorrow is going to suck

(7:27) And I’m going to have to come up with something appropriately annoyed to text Paninya, now that I can give her shit first hand

(7:30) _Sorry, Ed. That immediate plotting aside, they both seemed really nice!_

(7:33) Eh, I’ll survive

(7:34) Besides, it’s not like I’m embarrassed or something

(7:35) He’s probably going to default to out-of-your-league jokes

(7:36) Which will be factually accurate, if annoying

(7:38) _Oh, shut up. You’re not out of my league. We’re in the same league. Whatever that means._

(7:40) Bowling league, maybe

(7:42) _You’re ridiculous._

(7:44) Yeah

(7:45) I should go do some homework, since I have otherwise accomplished nothing today

(7:48) _Yeah, me too. Talk to you later, if you’re still up?_

(7:50) Sounds good

***

(8:20) 

(8:25) I’VE BEEN WAITING

(8:26) SORRY NOT SORRY

(8:27) HE LOOKED LIKE HE LIVES TO SHIT ON YOUR DREAMS

(8:30) I hate you

(8:32) that implies that you wouldn’t have done the EXACT same thing in similar circumstances, and on that i call bullshit

(8:34) ps, holy crap he’s a good-looking dude

(8:35) and so is his lady

(8:36) they should make babies like, asap

(8:38) I’m surprised you didn’t yell that at him

(8:40) it was tempting, ngl, but there’s only so much spastic shit you can reasonably shout without getting kicked out of nice places

(8:42) I’m totally going to get you back for this

(8:43) There will come an opportunity, oh yes, and I will fucking own you

(8:45) literally? cause that’d be weird for winry

(8:47) You’re the worst

(8:49) in your brother’s words: ‘you’re sharp like a shoelace’

(8:50) excuse me while i don’t worry even minutely about your retribution

(8:51) muahahahahaha !!!!!!!!!!!

(9:00) what, no sassy comeback ?????????

(9:01) sulky sulk sulk

(9:02) paninya -1, ed -NADA :DDDDDD


	20. Meatballs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- 'Plain Text' is Edward  
> \- _Italics_ is Winry  
>  \- **Bold Underline** is Ling  
>  \- _Underlined Italics_ is Lan Fan  
>  \- **Bold** is Alphonse

Tuesday Morning, November 4th

(8:20) **Lan Fan.**

(8:20) **In the Harry Potter movies, there is this scene where Alan Rickman blurs the lines between pithy Shakespeare-in-the-Park and Severus Snape the Arrogant Slytherin.**

(8:23) _I think you mean…_

(8:24) 

(8:26) **YES.**

(8:28) **Captain Mustang reminds me strongly of that, this morning.**

(8:29) **With, admittedly, less disdain and more glee than Severus Snape ever abused Harry Potter with, but I think that the sentiment still stands.**

(8:30) _I know what you mean. Though Captain Mustang has never struck me as the… /subtle/ sort. And perhaps especially never when it comes to Edward._

(8:34) **Very true. This morning, however, I think it is more specific than just generally looking to irk.**

(8:26) **Edward is wound like a top.**

(8:29) _This is what Grandfather means when he says that the teachers here are inappropriate._

(8:31) _I have no idea what Captain Mustang has been lecturing on today, I have been too preoccupied by Edward the Walking Trainwreck._

(8:34) **Hmm. True, and yet he has kept himself together admirably in the Edward-scheme-of-things..**

(8:35) **Also: Punnett Squares.**

(8:37) _... ?_

(8:39) **That is what Captain Mustang has been lecturing on, albeit poorly. Punnett Squares. Predicting outcomes of breeding.**

(8:41) _Oh._

(8:43) _I feel like the background character in a high school soap opera._

(8:44) _They cannot possibly be learning anything while the main characters are busy being outrageously dramatic._

(8:47) **In all fairness, I think that the only prerequisite for those characters to graduate is that the actor playing them must be over the age of 24.**

(8:49) **Also, shame on you, Lan Fan! You are NOT merely a background extra. Or even if you are to this inexplicable Mustang/Edward drama, you are absolutely a full-time player in /my/ life’s drama.**

(8:52) _Thank you?_

(8:54) **You are very welcome.**

(8:56) **It is meatballs for lunch today, yes?**

(8:59) _I think so._

(9:00) **Good. Shall we goad Edward into starting a food fight?**

(9:02) _Is that a real question?_

***

(8:25) This fucking fucker

(8:27) _Oh dear._

(8:29) If I could punch a teacher and not get arrested, oh my God

(8:30) What a fucking tit

(8:31) You’d think that he’d just come off one of the Maury paternity episodes

(8:31) And he’s not the Goddamn father

(8:35) _You’re only making it worse by reacting so spectacularly, Edward._

(8:36) _Be aloof! Nonchalant! If it seems like he’s not bothering you, he’ll probably leave you alone._

(8:40) You are underestimating that taint goblin spectacularly

(8.44) _Taint goblin?_

(8:46) _Do you, like, have some sort of insult generating app, or something?_

(8:47) _Because otherwise you are unnaturally skilled at calling people names._

(8:50) Maybe he’s born with it, maybe it’s suppressed rage

(8:52) _If I had a dollar for every time I thought ‘drama queen’ in relation to something you said about yourself, I would be able to pay for university without loans._

(8:54) Look, Mustang just inspires me, okay

(8:55) What with the smarmy face

(8:55) Ego

(8:56) Hypocrisy

(8:56) That general asshole-ishness he tries to pass for demeanor

(8:57) I could label him WITH GUSTO for DAYS

(8:59) _Uh huh._

(9:01) Dick dragon

(9:01) Crotch pirate

(9:02) Shart balloon

(9:02) Nut Jockey

(9:03) Turd biscuit

(9:04) Douche waffle

(9:06) _Yes, thank you, you’ve painted a /very/ vivid word picture._

(9:08) Artless, onion-eyed biscuit

(9:09) _What the actual hell._

(9:11) Un-muzzled, clay-brained foot-licker

(9:13) Snot-flicking hemorrhoid

(9:15) _You need to stop before you hurt yourself._

(9:15) _Don’t make me bring that whale back out of the ocean._

(9:17) One more, Win

(9:17) ??

(9:18) Just one, I swear

(9:20) _You are. So weird._

(9:20) _Remind me again why I enjoy sucking face with you?_

(9:21) Brace yourself

(9:23) _No._

(9:35) Mustang is a

(9:35) Ham Juggling--

(9:36) Dildo Sniffing--

(9:37) Flap-mouthed excuse--

(9:38) For a Twat Sandwich

(9:39) !!!

(9:41) _Two points (and no that wasn’t intentionally a rating out of ten, but it works)._

(9:42) _First, you at no point topped ‘taint goblin’._

(9:44) _Second, Alphonse should have you committed._

***

(9:50) _Seriously? I figured that this was the rest of my day. Have you given up so quickly?_

(9:53) _Eddddwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard_.

(9:55) _Oh._

(9:55) _Oh no._

***

Tuesday Morning, November 4th

(11:00) **It is my solemn duty to inform you that brother is a colossal /taint goblin/ who has had his phone taken away for the remainder of school hours.**

(11:02) _Oh my god._

(11:03) _Mustang read every single one of those insults, didn’t he?_

(11:05) **Oh yes. Out loud.**

(11:08) 

(11:10) **Consequences of this have included (but are absolutely NOT limited to):**

(11:11) **a. The speed at which gossip has traveled.**

(11:12) ****b. The fact that now everyone who passes brother in the hallway sing-songs ‘taint goblin’ at him, or makes exaggerated kissing noises.****

(11:13) ****c. Quite a lot of people have been inquiring as to how he managed to convince someone to ‘suck face’ with him.****

(11:15) ****d. Myself being pelted with inquiries as to whether or not you are imaginary.****

(11:16) ****e. A month’s worth of detention, and (from what I can tell), brother was at the receiving end of a Very Loud lecture from the CO. Plus he had to apologize to Captain Mustang. PLUS if he gets caught in class using his cellphone again, they’re going to bring Dad in for a conversation. (As it stands he will be receiving a call from the CO directly about this instance, and the tenterhooks on which brother is now hanging.)****

(11:18) ****Etc., etc.****

(11:21) _OH MY GOD._

(11:22) _How’s Ed?_

(11:24) ****Mortified and angry.****

(11:25) ****But his apology to Captain Mustang was about as sincere as his belief in the power of prayer.****

(11:27) _Oh jeez. I feel terrible! I should’ve stopped him! Of course it was going to culminate in something like this; he was already on edge and Mustang was looking to goad him._

(11:30) ****Don’t feel bad, seriously.****

(11:31) ****You didn’t make brother do anything, you just provided a channel in which to do it. If it hadn’t been you, it would’ve been me, or Ling.****

(11:33) ****(Also, you’re right, I should definitely have him committed. For his safety and our sanity.)****

(11:34) ****Dad is going to have either a conniption or a mental breakdown. Or both.****

(11:36) _And, um. How pleased, exactly, is Mustang?_

(11:38) ****On a scale of Grumpy Cat to Success Kid?****

(11:39) ****Ermahgerd Gersberms.****

(11:42) _I’m starting to believe Ed’s insistence that Mustang is out to get him._

(11:45) ****Someday, those two will be good friends.****

(11:47) ****Good friends of the Ling and Ed variety, but I am not entirely sure that brother could enjoy a regular sort of friendship with anyone.****

(11:49) _I hope I’m still around to witness it._

(11:51) Uh.

(11:52) ****Forgive me if this is blunt and insensitive, but: That’s a little dark.****

(11:54) _What?_

(11:54) _Oh, no, I mean I hope that Ed and I are still dating._

(11:56) ****OH. That makes… a LOT more sense.****

(11:56) ****Right. Lunch. Time to stand by brother for another round of very public heckling.****

(11:58) ****I’m sure he’ll text you once he’s given his phone back.****

(12:00) _No doubt. Thanks for the head’s up, Alphonse!_

(12:01) _Please do your best to keep him from murdering anyone._

(12:03) ****Ha! All I can do is try.****

***

(12:10) _This, admittedly, seems a little cruel._

(12:12) ****Flaunting our freedom to text in front of Edward?****

(12:13) ****He is the one who is thicker than pea soup.****

(12:15) _No, instigating a food fight._

(12:16) _If he gets blamed for it… in light of the morning’s events that might mean expulsion._

(12:18) ****Lan Fan! Are you /empathizing/ with Edward ‘I’ll kick your grandmother’s ass’ Elric?****

(12:20) _He’s our friend._

(12:22) ****Yes, well.****

(12:23) ****That hardly means I should not enjoy his suffering.****

(12:24) ****One /might/ even argue that being Edward’s friend is all the /more/ reason to enjoy and/or perpetrate his suffering.****

(12:26) ****Are you ignoring me now?****

(12:28) ****I never thought I would see the day.****

(12:30) ****Fine, Lan Fan, you win. I hate to see that beautiful face concerted in ire. Ire directed at me, at least; I enjoy it when you direct it at others.****

(12:32) _Shut up._

(12:35) ****I am still flinging meatballs. But I will take the blame.****

(12:35) ****Happy now?****

(12:37) _Yes._

(12:38) ****Incorrigible.****

***

Tuesday Afternoon, November 4th

(1:10) ****A further update.****

(1:15) _That is terrifyingly ominous._

(1:18) ****Ling /pelted/ Captain Mustang with meatballs at lunch.****

(1:19) ****Which instigated a food fight where he was the primary target.****

(1:20) ****Captain Mustang, I mean, not Ling.****

(1:22) _What!_

(1:24) ****That man was a walking spaghetti massacre when it was all said and done.****

(1:25) ****So was most of the student body.****

(1:27) _Please tell me that they’re not trying to blame Ed for it._

(1:29) ****Kind of hard to. Ling walked straight up to the head table, like maybe 10 feet away from Captain Mustang, and then started pitching.****

(1:30) ****He hadn’t even been sitting anywhere near brother and I (plus Ed had no phone with which to plot, and I am generally not labelled as the devious one, or as one with a thirst for vengeance).****

(1:32) _Oh thank goodness._

(1:33) _But why on Earth…?_

(1:35) ****That’s the million dollar question!****

(1:36) ****He saluted Ed when being escorted to the office, so now brother is having an existential crisis about the weight of Ling’s loyalty.****

(1:37) ** ****Plus Lan Fan won’t say a word about it.**** **

(1:39) _I’m surprised he’s not monologuing about the repercussions of accepting that sort of solidarity._

(1:41) ** ****Oh, that too.**** **

(1:45) _How’d Mustang take it?_

(1:47) ** ****All things considered? Very well. He was laughing anyway, and I don’t think maliciously.**** **

(1:49) _What a weird man._

(1:50) ** ****Truer words were never spoken, Winry.******

***

Tuesday Afternoon, November 4th

(3:15) ** ****Lan Fan.**** **

(3:18) _Yes?_

(3:20) ** ****You owe me.**** **

(3:22) _Oh?_

(3:25) ** ****Don’t play coy! I saw the smile on your face in the midst of that meatball carnage!**** **

(3:26) ** ****You enjoyed that far too thoroughly.**** **

(3:28) _I do not know why that should mean I owe you anything._

(3:29) _In fact, given the aftermath of Halloween, I do believe that /I/ was the owed one._

(3:31) _So I might suggest that we are even._

(3:33) ** ****Even!**** **

(3:35) _No one forced you to throw meatballs at Captain Mustang._

(3:37) ** ******

(3:39) _Not saying, of course, that that was not very /honorable/._

(3:40) _/Gallant/, even!_

(3:42) _But you could’ve have done nothing at all._

(3:44) ** ****Your casual patronizing is noted.**** **

(3:46) _Again: No one forced you to throw meatballs._

(3:47) _I was suggesting a raincheck._

(3:50) ** ****I do not care. You still owe me.**** **

(3:53) _And you called /me/ incorrigible._

(3:55) _What do I owe you, then? This feels very specific and directed._

(3:57) ** ****For a month’s detention and a teleconference with my irate father?**** **

(3:58) ** ****Hmm.**** **

(4:00) ** ****A kiss, at least.**** **

(4:05) _Um._

(4:07) _A kiss from who, exactly?_

(4:09) ** ****You, you ninny.**** **

(4:10) ** ****Did you actually think I was trying to ply you to organize romantic entanglements for me?**** **

(4:12) ** ****Better yet, would you have actually done it?**** **

(4:15) _Shut up._

(4:17) ** ****Ha! You would have!**** **

(4:19) ** ****You are loyal to a dizzying fault, Lan Fan.******

***

(4:33) ** ****Lan Fan.******

(4:33) ** ****You do not have to kiss me if you do not want to, you know.**** **

(4:34) ** ****It certainly is not my intention to back you into some sort of emotional corner.**** **

(4:36) _Are you being serious?_

(4:48) ** ****I am always serious. Albeit with a bit of flair, sometimes.**** **

(4:49) ** ****But yes.**** **

(4:51) _Because you think I tricked you into starting and taking responsibility for a food fight?_

(4:53) ** ****For a lot of reasons.**** **

(4:54) ** ****Not specifically that one, however.**** **

(4:56) _Okay._

(4:58) ** ****’Okay’ as in ‘Okay, Ling, kiss away!’ or ‘Okay’ as in ‘Okay, nice BS answer.’?**** **

(5:01) ** ****I’m going to take your silence as confirmation of the latter.**** **

(5:03) ** ****I see you over there, blushing spectacularly, trying to avoid making eye contact.**** **

(5:04) ** ****That is a reason.**** **

(5:06) ** ****You are both kinder and ruder to Edward than he often deserves. That is a reason.**** **

(5:08) ** ****When that first meatball hit Captain Mustang square between the eyebrows, I heard you laugh above the din of lunch hall conversation and meatball squelching.**** **

(5:09) ** ****And I thought: ‘Hmm. Maybe there is some merit to Edward’s ongoing suggestion that we just ‘bang and get it over with’.’**** **

(5:10) ** ****Not that I am suggesting anything inappropriate!**** **

(5:11) ** ****I would NEVER.**** **

(5:12) ** ****Or, well. Yes, I would, but in due course.**** **

(5:15) _I really have no idea what to say to any of that._

(5:17) ** ****Would you like me to drop the subject?**** **

(5:18) ** ****We can pretend I never attempted this awkward, romantic proposal.**** **

(5:19) ** ****Proposal of a KISS. I mean.**** **

(5:21) ** ****(You shake my composure, also; that is certainly another reason.)**** **

(5:22) ** ****(Or a reflection on many other possible, perhaps endless reasons.)**** **

(5:23) ** ****Should I stop typing?**** **

(5:25) _I am not sure._

(5:27) _In the grand scheme of things: Yes. You are more like Edward than you would ever care to admit, or that I would ever elaborate on out loud. You certainly take no stock in suggestions to quit while you are ahead, anyhow (whether it is me or your conscience suggesting such)._

(5:28) ** ****Blasphemy!**** **

(5:29) _In relation to this current pronouncement: Well. I._

(5:30) _I always thought that perhaps your father would not approve of me, so I never pushed anything. You tease, but you tease everyone, Ling; why should I consider myself different, or special?_

(5:32) _So, if you are just teasing to get a rise out of me, or to test the weight of your efficacy, then yes, please stop typing and I will forget that this ever happened._

(5:33) _If you are being sincere, however… Well._

(5:36) _I am still willing to read._

(5:38) ******You, my dear, are uncommonly adorable.**** **

(5:40) _And you, /young lord/, are a patented casanova by reputation._

(5:41) _So I will not apologize for being wary._

(5:44) ** ****Young Lord!**** **

(5:45) ** ****I forgot about that completely. Was I ever so arrogant to think I could convince girls that I was royalty?**** **

(5:47) _And that I was your bodyguard. Yes. You were. You are._

(5:49) ** ****You wound me, Lan Fan.**** **

(5:51) _Again: I will not apologize for being wary._

(5:52) _Fool me once, shame on you._

(5:54) ** ****Fool you twice, shame on me as well.******

***

(6:01) ** ****Are you avoiding me now?******

(6:03) _Perhaps._

(6:05) ** ****Why?**** **

(6:07) _Because you have a penchant for dramatic statements._

(6:09) _(And no, I am not confusing you with Edward, and will cite today’s meatball insanity as supporting evidence.)_

(6:11) ** ****I feel as though one ought to be more complementary to one’s love interest.**** **

(6:13) _I am fluent only in insults, indifference, and sarcasm._

(6:15) _”Take me as I am, or have nothing at all.”_

(6:19) ** ****I think perhaps it’s time to turn down the dramatics, Mary J. Blige.**** **

(6:20) _”One ought to be more complementary to one’s love interest.”_

(6:22) ** ****Touche.**** **

(6:25) ** ****Lan Fan.**** **

(6:29) ** ****Laaaaaaaaaaan Faaaaaaaaaaaan.**** **

(6:35) ** ****LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN FAAAAAAAAAAAAN.**** **

(6:39) ** ****You leave me no choice, Lan Fan. I am going to have to go full-Elric and say ‘to hell with this’.**** **

(6:42) _If it involves throwing dildos at me, I’m never speaking to you again._

***

Tuesday Evening, November 4th

(6:05) ** ****An update:**** **

(6:06) ** ****Brother has been informed that he will receive his phone back after detention.**** **

(6:09) _Lordy._

(6:11) _Has he blown up yet?_

(6:15) ** ****Amazingly, no.**** **

(6:17) ** ****By dinner most people were laying off of kissy noises and calling him a taint goblin, so. Then again, they might be doing it on purpose so he lowers his guard to a fresh, new onslaught of abuse.**** **

(6:19) _Either you have a school full of schemers, or you’re giving their attention spans a little too much credit._

(6:21) _I mean, meatballs, public humiliation… that’s a big slate of events for a high school day._

(6:24) ** ****True.**** **

(6:26) ** ****And the food fight was spectacularly distracting.**** **

(6:28) ** ****I would accuse Ling of trying to steal brother’s thunder, but given the context I seriously doubt that Ed cares.**** **

(6:29) ** ****He’s probably even thankful (though he’ll never admit it).**** **

(6:31) _I think he’s actually quite the softy, deep down. Not that he doesn’t put on a good show with all the swearing (and I imagine his eyebrows can get quite furtive and waggly) and what not._

(6:33) ** ****You have no idea.**** **

(6:34) ** ****Whereas I have a childhood’s worth of first-hand observation.**** **

(6:37) _Okay, now, that’s a leading statement if I ever saw one._

(6:38) _How am I supposed to /not/ ask about wee kiddo Edward and all his soft, boyhood moments?_

(6:40) ** ****I don’t know if I could ever properly convey the joy I get out of driving brother nuts.**** **

(6:41) ******And this will drive him 20-shades of /ballistic/.**** **

(6:43) _You are dragging this out too long. SPILL DETAILS._

(6:45) _Aw, c’mon. You got me all hyped over cutesie things to rub in his face._

(6:48) _Um. Rude._

(6:50) ** ****Uh. I’m sorry, but. I think I’m in shock.**** **

(6:52) _... From me being gleeful at the idea of embarrassing Ed?_

(6:53) _... After JUST saying that contributing to such brings you insurmountable happiness?_

(6:55) ** ****Ah.**** **

(6:56) ** ****No.**** **

(6:59) ** ****I just witnessed Ling come into the quad, grab Lan Fan, and dance her around the fountain. After which, he dipped her, then kissed her /very/ enthusiastically on the mouth.**** **

(7:01) ** ****Am I dead? Did that just happen?**** **

(7:01) _WHAT!_

(7:03) _No, you are not dead! But actually? Actually that happened?_

(7:04) _(Also why the hell am I so invested? I barely know you all, but I feel like I’ve been watching your CW teen drama for my entire life!)_

(7:06) ** ****Yes, it actually happened. Unless I ramped myself up to such levels of gleeful little brother possibilities, that I hallucinated the entire thing.**** **

(7:07) ** ****(I don’t know. Are we that compelling?)**** **

(7:09) ** ****Also, brother is going to be saying ‘I told you so’ for the next 500 years.**** **

(7:12) _For good reason, apparently._

(7:14) _He is also going to be totally choked that he didn’t get to witness it._

(7:19) ** ****Thank gloria for the age of camera phones!**** **

(7:21) ** ****I started recording the second Ling started skipping out of the dining hall.**** **

(7:24) _Edward will be ecstatic!You are too good to that boy._

(7:18) ** ****Saving all my good deeds up to cash in on a massive favor someday.**** **

(7:20) ** ****Speaking of subterfuge…**** **

(7:21) ** ****Here comes brother.**** **

(7:25) _I will brace myself for a flurry of texts._

(7:30) ** ****I’m sure he will be reaching out shortly. After I melt his brain, obviously.**** **

(7:31) _*salutes*_

***

Tuesday Evening, November 4th

(8:00) WHAT

(8:01) EVEN is

(8:02) MY Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife

(8:05) _I did tell you to stop._

(8:08) That was just, just

(8:09) An unspecific observation

(8:09) 

(8:10) Seriously, though, that was the biggest fuck-fest of a Tuesday

(8:14) _You make it sound like a day of orgies._

(8:16) _(Your brother kept me very informed, by the way. Network TV should start syndicating Royal Amestris.)_

(8:18) I need a reality show

(8:20) ‘Keeping Up With… Whatever the Hell This Is’

(8:22) _Yeah… wow. What a hook! I /definitely/ see a future in entertainment for /you/._

(8:24) I have endured a cavalcade of sass today, Win

(8:25) !!!

(8:28) _If you are hunting around for sympathy, I have none to spare you; in fact you picked the wrong lady-friend for shits given for self-inflicted injuries._

(8:30) WOE

(8:31) ALL THE WOE

(8:32) 

(8:34) _Rough life._

(8:36) ANYWAY

(8:37) I have already decided that my yearbook quote is going to be some sort of hidden word puzzle with a solution of Taint Goblin

(8:39) _If you can’t shake it, embrace it?_

(8:41) Something like that

(8:42) That or just a nice, plain ‘Ling Yao + Golden Girls = 5eva’

(8:45) _Ow._

(8:47) What ??

(8:49) _I rolled my eyes so hard I strained my neck._

(8:51) WHATEVER THERE IS NO IMPRESSING YOU

(8:52) EVIDENTLY MY ONLY GOOD COMEDIC QUIPS WERE WASTED IN WOOING

(8:53) HAHA YOU’RE STUCK NOW

(8:55) _You say that like we’re married, and I have no escape._

(8:57) Part of your history forever now, muahahaha

(8:59) Also, can’t marriage end in divorce

(9:00) ??

(9:01) _You’re weird._

(9:01) _We’re weird._

(9:02) _Everything is weird._

(9:05) You’re making me feel more insane than I know I must be

(9:07) _Job done, then._

(9:09) _Anyhow!_

(9:11) _Ling kissed Lan Fan!_

(9:13) I KNOW RIGHT

(9:14) I AM GOING TO CACKLE MADLY BEHIND THEM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

(9:18) _I get the feeling your life will be short, in that case._

(9:20) Worth it

(9:22) SO VERY worth it

(9:25) _AND your teacher read out our message exchange in front of your class._

(9:30) OH MY GOD don’t even remind me

(9:32) The absolute fucking RELISH that he applied to the recitation

(9:33) You’d think he was playing MacBeth

(9:35) _But then, REVENGE, in the form of meatballs?_

(9:37) Oh COME ON Winry

(9:38) Like I would be mollified by meatballs

(9:40) _Right. Silly me. Whatever was I thinking?_

(9:43) But I won’t say I didn’t enjoy it or anything

(9:44) Even if I don’t know why the hell Ling did it

(9:46) _Friendship: One of life’s great mysteries?_

(9:48) I’ll settle for that, for now

(9:49) At least until I get a chance to heckle him a bit

(9:51) Part of me hopes I was a catalyst for him macking up on her, so I can hold it over him forever

(9:53) _I am starting to think that you do not know what ‘friendship’ is meant to entail._

(9:55) Probably not

(9:56) But I don’t think I’m the only one

(9:58) _Fair enough._

(9:59) _So. It’s ten o’clock._

(10:01) Yeah the day just flies past when you’re phone-less and scrubbing plaques with a toothbrush

(10:04) _Oh, /gross/._

(10:06) My hands smell like Comet

(10:07) And they look like I spent like, 2 hours in the bathtub

(10:08) I think they’re more chemical than skin now

(10:10) _You didn’t wear gloves?_

(10:12) For a while, but they made it hard to scrub

(10:13) I felt like it was going to take me twice as long to do a decent job

(10:15) _Lesson learned then? Maybe?_

(10:18) YEAH RIGHT

(10:20) If ANYTHING this has been escalated to new heights of required scheming

(10:21) And YEAH YEAH YEAH

(10:21) To your and Alphonse’s undoubted immense satisfaction

(10:22) I will tattoo ‘incorrigible’ on my forehead

(10:24) _Pick a good font._

(10:27) 

(10:30) _And now it’s 10:30._

(10:33) UGH I still have to do homework

(10:35) Go to bed, Winry

(10:36) I will text you tomorrow

(10:36) (Though probably not in class)

(10:38) _Sounds good._

(10:38) _(Though I don’t believe you.)_

(10:40) Yeah, I don’t believe me either.

(10:41) Night!

(10:43) _Good night! :)_

(10:44) _TAINT GOBLIN._

(10:47) 


End file.
